Spoof on Fanfics
by Savage
Summary: In a nutshell: This story is a spoof on cliche fanfiction. Rating info inside.
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: Listen up, because I'm only going to say this once. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Artemis Fowl. I do not own Lord of the Rings. I do not own Star Wars. I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean. I do not own anything else mentioned in this story that I do not own but I forgot to mention. Blah blah blah blah blah blah.  
  
IMPORTANT: This story was originally started on a different site by a different person but the person left eventually and allowed readers to add to the story. Now there's a bunch of co-writers who have unofficially taken over writing this. (Including me)  
  
In other words, I'm not writing this story all by myself. There's a couple co-writers.  
  
RATING INFO: This story is rated PG-13 for mild language and certain things that might not be suitable for young children to see. Nothing is extremely descriptive or explicit, (thankfully), but there is some stuff I wouldn't want my 7 year old sister to see. I don't think the "stuff" is anything totally OUTRAGEOUS, but just stuff that's not suitable for really really young kids. (i.e. very very very sporadic and MILD slash, people doing inappropriate things in closets (the story does not go into any details about those parts thankfully) )  
  
One more thing: Most of this story was written before the 5th book came out.  
  
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"Where's Hermione?" asked Ron anxiously, craning his giraffe-like neck over the crowd of people milling around the Hogwarts Express. "I can't see her anywhere!" Ron looked extremely upset.  
  
"It's only in some fan fictions that Hermione gets a fabulous new makeover during the summer, you know," Harry reminded Ron exasperatedly, rolling his eyes.  
  
Ron looked rather disappointed. Suddenly a voice popped up from behind the two friends.  
  
"Ron! Harry!"  
  
They whipped around. A beautiful girl stood a few feet away, waving merrily at them.  
  
"Hermione?!"  
  
"I guess this'll be one of those fan fics, eh mate?" whispered Ron excitedly to Harry, nudging him with his elbow.  
  
There was a long pause. No one said anything. One minute passed... two minutes... three...  
  
Finally Ron frowned upwards.  
  
"Are you going to get the description of Hermione over with up there, or what? That's what we're waiting for!" he demanded angrily.  
  
Harry nodded vigorously in agreement.  
  
Ahem.  
  
Hermione flipped her newly straightened hair. Her tanned skin seemed to glow bright enough to light up the entire platform. A tank top and tight jeans showed off her curvy new figure -  
  
"Ok, ok, enough!" interrupted Ron. Just then, a small red-headed girl speeded by, stealing a quick glance at Harry, and then moving quickly on.  
  
"Did she get a magical makeover too?" asked Harry eagerly to Ron.  
  
Ron shrugged, looking rather disgusted. "I'm her brother, you know.I don't notice these things. And anyway, I shouldn't be talking to you."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Hello? Where have you been? I'm supposed to be gaping at Hermione over here. Don't you ever read those fan fictions, young Harry?"  
  
Harry nodded reluctantly. "But aren't I supposed to be the one who's taken with her?"  
  
"Um, no!" piped up Hermione. "According to my research, In 62.8% of the fan fictions, you become enamored with Ginny. Best go with the majority."  
  
Harry nodded again. "I'll do that then," he said, walking off in search of the youngest Weasley child.  
  
"Ginny!" he called, spotting her with her friends.  
  
She looked up, astonishment written all over her face.  
  
"Yes?" she asked, walking toward Harry, leaving her group of now giggling friends.  
  
Harry fiddled with his glasses. Suddenly, the pointy end poked him in the eye. He blinked, eyes watering.  
  
"Darn. . ." he muttered.  
  
Ginny looked at him curiously. "What's wrong?"  
  
"My -er- well, you see.my coloured contact just fell out," Harry stammered.  
  
"Colour contact? You mean your eyes-"  
  
"Yes, what of it?" said Harry angrily. "Now, help me search for it."  
  
So, the two crouched down on the ground, running their hands over the concrete, looking for Harry's contact lense. Before they could find it, a whistle from the train sounded.  
  
"Bloody hell," said Harry. "Never mind this. Let's go, Ginny."  
  
They boarded the train, in search of Ron and Hermione.  
  
Following in true fan fiction fashion, the "train ride part" will not be present in the story, and the next scene will find our heroes at the feast.  
  
"There's the first years!" said Ron, nodding toward a line of nervous- looking children that had just filed into the Great Hall.  
  
"Oh, looky! There's the Sorting Hat!" said Harry giddily.  
  
After singing its usual jovial rhyme, the Sorting Hat sorted the first years into their houses. Harry had thought that 'Carmon Zanzini' was the last of the lot, but -  
  
"Oy! Look at her!" yelled Fred Weasley inanely, pointing wildly to a girl equipped with the usual looks that seem part of the packaged deal with exchange students. Long blonde hair, sky blue eyes and perfect, creamy skin.  
  
"Could it be?" gasped Ron, letting go of Hermione's hand.  
  
"An American exchange student?" countered Harry.  
  
"Here?" said Neville rather hysterically.  
  
"At Hogwarts?" asked Seamus Finnigan.  
  
"Yes, yes," said Professor McGonagall impatiently. "And she will be entering into fifth year. Now come forward, Karen Bell."  
  
"Which house do you think she'll be sorted into?" asked Ron anxiously, grabbing Harry's arm.  
  
Harry didn't answer. He was too busy biting his nails in anticipation. "GRYFFINDOR!" said the hat.  
  
Dean Thomas pumped his fist in the air. Ron and Harry whooped loudly. The Weasley twins jumped up from the table and danced around in circles.  
  
Hermione interrupted their celebrations by clucking her tongue loudly. "I hate to burst your bubble, but what house did you think she'd be sorted into? I mean, don't tell me you thought she wouldn't be in Gryffindor. You've all read those "exchange student" fan fictions, haven't you? "  
  
"No, unlike you, Hermione, we don't find it necessary to read every fan fiction on the Harry Potter boards," Ron answered, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Come sit here!" Harry said to Karen, oblivious to the tears welling up in Ginny's eyes.  
  
Karen sat down, smiling, showing two rows of perfectly straight, pearly white teeth.  
  
"Hello," she said.  
  
For the rest of the feast, none of the girls at the Gryffindor table could get a word in to the boys. They were all quite busy conversing with Karen, telling her about the great feats of bravery they had performed, handing her lavish bouquets of flowers and boxes of candy, or simply staring at her, mouth hanging wide open. One day, Harry, who had by now put Ginny on the shelf for the time being, saw Cho Chang standing in a cluster with approximately fifty of her very best friends.  
  
"Cho?" said Harry.  
  
She looked over at him, sadness in her eyes.  
  
"Hi," she whispered, breaking away from her now giggling friends.  
  
"Dammit!" cursed Harry, turning toward the group of girls. "Your stupid giggling is going to throw me off-balance and make me feel like a fool. Then I'll stutter and carry on for twenty minutes or so before becoming capable of human speech. Now bugger off!"  
  
The girls, looking quite scandalized, immediately skedaddled, leaving Harry and Cho by themselves.  
  
"I -er- suppose I should -er- ask you out," mumbled Harry. "I haven't been -er- keeping up with.the -er- latest trends in fan fictions.am I supposed to -er- forget about you over the summer. . . or -er- not?"  
  
Cho looked thoughtful. "I'm not sure. I'm busy trying to figure out whether I'll happily say yes if you end up asking me, or still be in mourning for Cedric and say no."  
  
Harry shrugged. "Well, -er- there's that new -er- American exchange student, who's sure to -er- muddle things up for whatever could have -er- happened.between you and me."  
  
Cho looked miserable. "So.are you going with the "forget about me over the summer" lead?"  
  
Harry nodded. "I think I'll do that. For the time being anyway. Trends are subject to change, you know. Good-bye, Cho." He turned away awkwardly, and walked silently down the empty hallway. Meanwhile, Hermione and Ron were skipping happily down a similar hallway, hand in hand. Suddenly, someone came running out of what one would think was an empty classroom. Ron and Hermione crashed headlong into this figure.  
  
"Watch where you're going!" shouted Ron.  
  
"Why, it's Weasel, isn't it?" said a familiar drawling voice.  
  
Ron rolled his eyes. "Great, now we'll be getting a word from our dear friend Draco," he mumbled.  
  
To Ron's utter surprise, Hermione threw her arms around Malfoy's neck.  
  
"Um, Hermione," said Ron, waving his arms in front of her face. "I'm over here. Oy, Hermione! I thought I was your one true love!"  
  
Hermione let go of Malfoy, giggling girlishly. "Oh, Ron," she said, as though explaining something to a two-year-old. "You can have more than one true love!"  
  
"But who'll I get now?" Ron demanded. "Notice how there are so many girls Harry could possibly go out with. and none for me?"  
  
"There's Padma Patil," suggested Malfoy in a sudden spurt of helpfulness.  
  
"Ok, I don't get it," said Ron angrily. "What makes anyone think that I should go out with Padma? Am I the only one who noticed that we didn't exactly hit it off at the Yule Ball last year?"  
  
"I suppose so," answered Malfoy, squeezing Hermione's hand, and looking at her with a smile on his pointed face.  
  
"Blast it all. now I know why those D+H fan fics suck so much," Ron muttered to himself. "Always take the focus off that whole R+H vibe."  
  
"There's Karen Bell," Hermione said.  
  
Ron's ears went extremely pink. A dreamy expression crossed his face. "I like it, Hermione. A new angle"  
  
"Well, off you go then!" said Hermione, pushing him away. Ron found Karen Bell sitting by the lake, and miraculously, by herself. He sat down.  
  
"Hullo," he said, ears pink.  
  
"Hello there," answered Karen in musical tones, flipping her hair.  
  
"You're so beautiful," Ron blurted out.  
  
Karen smiled and flipped her hair again.  
  
"So, how is it for you? Switching schools and all that?"  
  
"Oh, it's fine," she said airily. "Everyone has been so nice." Yet again, she flipped her long blonde hair.  
  
"My, you like to do that an awful lot, don't you?" asked Ron.  
  
"I have to. Supposedly, this maneuver will attract you to me."  
  
Ron nodded dumbly. "Seems to be working."  
  
They leaped into a nearby bush and began to make out. So, if you've been able to keep track, at this moment in time, everyone has someone.except our poor little Harry.  
  
Who's out there for me? Were his thoughts as he roamed idly up the streets of Hogsmeade, feeling very sorry for himself. Hermione and Draco and Ron and Karen were all in the Three Broomsticks, enjoying butterbeers tête-à- tête. Even Ginny had a date; Neville Longbottom.  
  
He decided he must muddle things up a bit. So, the angry teenager stormed into the Three Broomsticks, and proceeded to break up Hermione and Draco.  
  
"It's time to add a little of that H+H groove," Harry said, grabbing Hermione out of her seat.  
  
"What about me?" Malfoy whimpered.  
  
"What about you?" questioned Harry.  
  
"You know what I'm talking about," Draco said smoothly.  
  
"I - I can't say that I -er- do," answered Harry, in a tone that revealed that he did in fact know exactly what Malfoy was talking about.  
  
"There's a small but significant number of Harry+Draco fan fictions out there," Malfoy reminded him.  
  
"Must we get into that?" Harry demanded, rolling his eyes. "I don't understand those.we do hate each other, don't you know?"  
  
"I think most of the audience would prefer H+H," said Hermione bossily. "Come on, Harry, let's get out of here."  
  
"Fickle, isn't she?" muttered Malfoy after the new couple had left. "Well, I guess that just leaves me with Ginny." He looked at her scathingly. "Even though the only time we've ever exchanged words is when she stuck up for Scarface when I was teasing him, and the only time we see each other is in the hallways at school, I'm sure we'll soon discover a true and undying love for each other. Opposites attract, you know," he said, as though trying to convince himself. When the students had returned to Hogwarts, safe and sound, they trooped down to the Great Hall for a hearty meal. Halfway through Harry's fourth helping of bean sprouts, however, Dumbledore interrupted them.  
  
He stood up on his chair and waved his arms back and forth in the air in an attempt to get their attention. Finally Professor McGonagall, who was standing not too far from the aged headmaster, had to resort to whistling through her teeth, high and shrill. Dumbledore clapped his aged hands over his ears and scowled at McGonagall. She sat down meekly.  
  
"Yes, thank you, Professor McGonagall," he said, still scowling. "Now, if you'll just listen to me for a moment, I would like to make an announcement. As you all undoubtedly know, next week is Halloween. In honour of this occasion or perhaps only because most fan fiction authors seem to like doing this, the school will be hosting a Halloween Ball. Everyone fourth year and up is encouraged to attend. Dress robes are a must. Hopefully we'll see you there!" he finished, waving jovially at them and sitting back down.  
  
High-pitched shrieks coming from the girls suddenly filled up the momentary silence of the room. All the girls began to chatter noisily, except for Karen Bell, who simply tossed her hair provocatively. Harry and Ron, watching Hermione, Lavender and Parvati nanner on senselessly, rolled their eyes at each other. The day of the Halloween Ball, no one over fourth year could concentrate on their classes.  
  
In fact, no one over fourth year showed up for classes, as they had decided that getting ready for the evening's festivities was more important than their schoolwork.  
  
"Do I look all right?" said Harry, facing the mirror to pop in his forest- green contacts.  
  
"Sure you do... but that's not important," answered Ron, nervously tugging at the sleeves of his dress robe. "How do I look?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
"I can't believe I'm going with Hermione!" burst out Harry happily. "She probably wouldn't have said 'yes' if I'd asked her something like this last year, but ever since the makeover, she's been a totally different person! She never does her schoolwork... and did you hear about that business with Justin Finch-Fletchley?"  
  
Ron nodded. "And I can't believe I'm going with Padma Patil! We're so damned compatible!"  
  
Harry frowned, quite puzzled at this statement, but agreed with his friend anyway. "Whatever shakes your butt, Ron."  
  
They descended soon after into the Gryffindor common room to meet their dates. Here will follow a lengthy and dramatically detailed description of how their dates looked and what their dates wore, as this is such a very essential component of any fan fiction. Padma was dressed in robes of a deep, midnight blue material that shimmered whenever she moved. A golden rope belt that matched her earrings, necklace and shoes was wrapped around her waist, setting off the gold tint in her eyes. Her long, dark hair was braided into multitudes of tiny braids, which fell down her back becomingly. Ron's jaw fell open and crashed through several floors when he saw her. As soon as Harry saw Hermione, he followed suit, for his good friend had never looked so gorgeous in her entire life. She was wearing robes of deep red or purple, depending on what light you were in. Her jewelry set of a bracelet, necklace and earrings twinkled magically like stars in the night sky. Her hair spilled loose and straight over her shoulders, forming slight waves at the ends. She was -  
  
"Ok, cut the crap," said Ron, rolling his eyes. "Let's just go and get this scene over with." The foursome entered the Great Hall, which was decorated for the occasion. I will mention the usual coupling formations in fan fics. Not that most of these characters is very important to the story, or would ever go out together, but to each his own, right?  
  
Fred and Angelina were surrounded by a large circle of students watching them energetically cut a crease in the dance floor, Ginny and Draco were waltzing mournfully, while Neville Longbottom and Susan Bones danced, or shall I say tripped, their way about the room. And the list goes on.  
  
When Harry and Hermione tried to find an empty classroom later on in the evening to make out, they found it impossible, as every single one was already occupied.  
  
"Guess we'll just have to make out in the dormitories, then, won't we?" asked Hermione quite roguishly, as they entered the empty Gryffindor common room.  
  
Harry guffawed. "Good night, Hermione," he said, kissing her long and slowly, and then going up to his dormitory.  
  
"Have fun?" asked a voice from near the fireplace suddenly.  
  
"Ron?"  
  
"No, it's your great uncle Mervin," said the ruddy-haired boy, swiveling around in his chair.  
  
"Yes, I did have fun as a matter of fact," Hermione answered stubbornly. "Now, good night."  
  
She scampered off to her bedroom, leaving Ron all alone. The next day, everyone slept late, and spent the morning lazing around the common room in their pajamas and chatting.  
  
"Oi! Harry!"  
  
Fred's voice traversed the room, making Harry look up.  
  
"What happened to," Fred's voice dropped to a stage whisper, "You-Know-Who? We're halfway through this fan fiction, and he hasn't been mentioned once. Isn't he supposed to be taking over the wizarding world about now, or something?"  
  
"Realistically... but I've found that a popular trend in many stories is to forget about his existence entirely, and just concentrate on our tangled love lives."  
  
Fred nodded comprehensively. "I see. Well, that sounds good, then." And he went back to making it out with Angelina. One evening, the oh-so-cliche couple Harry and Hermione took to the Quidditch pitch for a romantic midnight stroll. As Harry leaned his head toward Hermione suggestively, a ball hit him on the forehead, knocking his glasses off. The angry boy shook his fist at the sky, before realizing that, indeed, it was not the sky that had dropped the ball, but his Quidditch captain Oliver Wood.  
  
"Sorry, Harry!" he yelled down.  
  
"What're you doing up there, Wood?" Harry yelled back.  
  
"Well, you know, the Quidditch final is only 7 months, 3 days and 11 hours off! I've been practicing all my new strategies! Plus, I wanted to ruin what could have been a wonderful cheesy, lovey-dovey scene between you and Hermione."  
  
"Oh." Harry thought for a moment. "Why?"  
  
"H+O, Harry, that's all I'm saying. H+O."  
  
Wood touched down onto the ground, winking roguishly in something of the fashion that Professor Lockhart used to do.  
  
Hermione began giggling like the schoolgirl that she was, and between that and Harry's aching head, he couldn't take any more and left the Quidditch pitch in a hurry, in direction of his dormitory.  
  
On his way up, he couldn't help but hear as Professor McGonagall was telling off a couple of students for using her classroom to suit their -er- needs.  
  
"Yes, happy as I undoubtedly am that your undergarments are made of matching material, Miss Weasley, I think it would be in your best interests to keep such vital information to yourself!"  
  
"Professor -" Harry heard Draco Malfoy's familiar voice saying.  
  
"Not a word, Mr. Malfoy, or I shall be informing the headmaster of your actions. Now, please, put your clothes back on, and both of you get to your dormitories. I shall punish as I see fit tomorrow." Harry paced up and down the common room, checking his watch at intervals to see if it was time to descend to the lake to meet Aylis. This new addition to the school was a girl who, under most mysterious circumstances had been sent to Scotland to live with her aunt, grandmother, cousin, sister... I've seen many possibilities in my day... they seem to be endless, don't they?  
  
However, she had enrolled in Hogwarts in the middle of the year, and had been sorted the previous evening into Slytherin. Little did Harry know that, gasp! She was his nemesis, Lord Voldemort's daughter.  
  
He soon made his way to the lake, and saw Aylis standing on the brink watching interestedly as the squid propelled its tentacles in the air. Harry walked up to her from behind, and surprised her by grabbing her shoulders. She turned around furiously. For a moment Harry thought that her eyes had glowed red, but they had turned back to their usual hazel colour before he could put two and two together. Probably just the sunlight, Harry concluded to himself simply.  
  
Our hormonally hazed hero knew that he loved this girl, just by looking at her. He would never have feelings such as these for anyone else but her. It didn't even matter who she was...  
  
These thoughts circled through his mind as the couple leaped into the infamous bush to start making out. Meanwhile, in the library, Hermione was desperately trying to score her ex- boyfriend, Draco's attention.  
  
"How hot is it?" she murmured to him, fanning her face.  
  
"Unbearable," he said, not looking up from his book, entitled 1001 Ways to Make it Seem as Though You're a Good Seeker.  
  
"Summer just showed up out of nowhere... " Hermione said.  
  
"Like a visit from you, Hermione, unannounced and uncomfortable," answered Draco scathingly.  
  
"Well something's gotta give, Draco, because I'm sweating like a prostitute in church!"  
  
Draco answered by rolling his eyes, slamming his book shut, flinging it at Hermione's head, and leaving the library. ******************************************  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione sat in the library working for the first time in months, in fact, scratch that, in fanfiction they never go to class! They were sitting in the library-gossiping.  
  
"I've got to go to the bathroom." said Ron.  
  
As soon as Ron was gone Harry looked deeply into Hermione's eyes.  
  
"Hermione... I have to ask you something, I want you to give me the honest truth..." Harry gulped.  
  
"Yes Harry?" Hermione asked hopefully as she stood.  
  
Harry stood up with her, took a deep breath then--  
  
"Does my bum look big in this?"  
  
"No." Hermione sighed and slumped down into her chair.  
  
"Are you sure?" He asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"YAY!" Harry screamed girlishly and ran out of the library. Ron and Harry were getting slightly brain washed by the increase of fanfics sounding more and more similar to American teen movies. "Too right." said Ron. So in the true spirit of Clueless, She's all that, and every other teen cult movie, they randomly decided one day to give a girl a makeover and turn her into Yule Ball Queen.  
  
"We did?"  
  
They spotted their lucky girl one day in potions, sitting next to Crabbe. It was. . .  
  
"Oh no not Pansy Parkinson!" gasped Ron  
  
. . .no. . . it was. . .  
  
"Not Millicent Bulstrode!"  
  
CAN I CONTINUE?!  
  
"Oh yeah, sure"  
  
It was. . . Goyle.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Well Ron I'm sure that behind that hard, grossly repulsive exterior there is a beautiful young woman...very deep down..." "Very, very, very deep down," Ron said skeptically. "I mean, really, he needs a new wardrobe, something more his color . . . what's with this black we wear all the time?"  
  
"Doofus, it's a fanfic," Hermione said hotly. "We girls go around in tank tops and mini skirts and you guys all get muscle shirts. At least, according to 78.93% of fic writers, and that's good enough for me." Hermione - who, if you remember, had already gotten her makeover - was spotting a hot pink spaghetti strap top, a dark blue denim skirt, strappy shoes with five inch heels, silver hoop earrings, and her hair was of course no longer bushy but sleek and attractive.  
  
"Man, we need to make Goyle look like her," Harry whispered, a trail of drool escaping down his chin. Hermione approached Goyle after potions class with the idea of a makeover. This being a fanfic, he was, of course, perfectly friendly and flattered that the Gryffindors were taking so much interest in him.  
  
So, for weeks, completely forgetting her homework, and of course skipping classes, Hermione and co. used the especial Apparating licenses they had (because this is a fanfic) and went shopping in Muggle London at all the trendiest boutiques for incredibly hip baggy argo pants, highlighting kits, and hair gel. With his newfound potions skill, Neville whipped up a secret anti-acne potion to give Goyle the ladylike skin he'd always dreamed of. Finally, one Saturday morning in the trophy room, they set to work. Harry, Ron and Hermione were just about to start transforming Goyle when a large black dog leaped into the room and knocked Harry over.  
  
"Sirius!" he cried happily as the dog changed into his beloved, convicted murderer godfather.  
  
"Harry!" the thin man cried, hugging Harry tightly.  
  
Harry suddenly pulled away, worried. "You shouldn't have changed here! Someone could see you."  
  
Ron whispered to Harry, "You're forgetting, Harry, nothing bad can happen in this story."  
  
"Actually, Harry," Sirius answered, "I have been cleared of all blame and am no longer a fugitive."  
  
"Was Pettigrew caught?" Hermione interrupted.  
  
Sirius shook his head. "Nope, I've got no idea why they think I'm innocent now. But I wanted to ask you, Harry, if you would like to come and stay with me over the summer?"  
  
Harry nodded happily, though he had known all along something like this would happen. Sirius noticed Goyle and said, "I'd better be going, I can see you have a lot of work to do fixing this one up." He gave Harry one last hug and disapparated, much to Hermione's distress ("He really can't do that in Hogwarts, you know.") So our trio began the long and tedious process of turning Goyle into Yule Ball Queen material. Thanks to Hermione and her endless supply of beauty and makeover spells ("That's all I did all summer," she sighed happily.) Goyle did indeed look beautiful when they were through with him.  
  
As they admired their work, Ron and Hermione shot each other nervous glances and began to blush.  
  
"What's gotten into the two of you?" Harry asked.  
  
Neither one answered, seeing as they were rather busy making out. Harry nodded knowingly, and then turned back to Goyle.  
  
"Thanks, Harry," the Slytherin shyly said.  
  
"You're quite welcome, Goyle," Harry said. "I'm sure you'll get to be Yule Ball Queen."  
  
"I'd-like-you-to-be-my-King," Goyle said very fast. Harry stared.  
  
"Uh, thanks, Goyle, but you must be stuck in the American teen movie, where the newly beautified queen always gets the man who made her over. We're in a Harry Potter fan fiction. The man I could ever care for is Draco Malfoy," Harry explained.  
  
Ron and Hermione stopped exchanging spit long enough to look at Harry. "Um, Harry?" Ron said hesitantly.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"That Harry-Draco thing is so three weeks ago. Harry-Snape fics are on the rage now, remembered?" the redhead pointed out.  
  
"Oh yeah. . . "  
  
Hermione snorted." Harry-Snape fics? What about the Hermione-Snape fics? They're cropping up all over the place!"  
  
"Why don't we find the ratio of Harry-Snape to the total number of posts and the ratio of Hermione-Snape to the total number of posts," Goyle said way more intelligently than any Slytherin had ever said anything before.  
  
Harry and Hermione looked at each other. "Nah," Harry said at last. "We can share him." "But Harry," said Goyle, who was showing an unknown aptitude for both magic and match as he had whipped an abacus out of the air, "Hermione-Snape fics are ten percent more popular."  
  
"But no one writes a Harry-Goyle fic," our hero said disgustedly.  
  
"Sadly, know. But I do wish to point out -"  
  
"Harry-Goyle?" Ron wrinkled his nose. "What about Ron-Goyle? At least we're in the same House."  
  
Goyle sighed patiently. "I was about to tell you that 53.685% of readers who see a fanfic labeled D+H or some variation thereof are shocked, as their first thought is that it is a Draco-Harry fic."  
  
Harry frowned. "Yeah, but didn't we already do that? I mean, I have the distinct memory that he's a bad kisser . . . "  
  
"He's not as bad as Snape," Hermione said thoughtfully, forgetting that D+H fics hardly ever evolved into a H+S fic, unless it was a D+H+S, and that was just too freaky.  
  
"But better than Ginny," Ron agreed.  
  
Everyone stared at him and he blushed, causing the author to throw in some sort of clincher sentence really quick so they could move on to another scene and not have to puzzle out the complexities of who kissed better than whom, especially with all these secrets flying about . . . . Harry suddenly noticed that Goyle had passed out cold on the floor. The debate on who was a better kisser mixed with all of the ff statistics overcoming his tiny brain.  
  
"Oh no!" Harry exclaimed, silencing Hermione and Ron's furious debate about Ginny's kissing abilities. "How is Goyle going to become Yule Ball Queen now?"  
  
"I know!" Ron cried, suddenly becoming the hero and pushing Harry into the loveable sidekick role. "It's like Sleeping Beauty! You'll have to kiss him, Harry."  
  
Harry looked scared and disgusted, the only two faces the sidekick is allowed to make. But he knew that the hero was always right, so he leaned over and gave Goyle a quick kiss. "Yuck!" he said, "You're a worse kisser than old Mrs. Figg!"  
  
But Goyle sat up and smiled.  
  
"We'd better get to the ball now, before any other plot twists happen to us," Hermione urged. Hermione, being already very beautiful, simply used watermelon-scented lotion on her tan skin and clear gloss on her strawberry- colored lips to make them shiny. Her long brown hair (no longer bushy, of course) was twisted up into a French twist on the back of her head with a few tendrils trailing seductively on the back of her neck. (Later I'll keep a running commentary of who was seduced.) Her robes were of course not the same pale blue as last year, but she wore a slinky black gown that was strapless, backless, and really, really short with a slit up to there. It was really cute on her, especially with the strappy stiletto heels.  
  
And Goyle . . . oh, Goyle! S/he was the hit of the ball! His/her hair was beautifully permed and highlighted with the palest blonde, setting off his/her dark unibrow. (For the ease of typing, Goyle had a bit more than a regular makeover and is now Goyla, feminine, if you please.) Goyla wore a simple ribbon headband, a pale blue shimmer that perfectly matched her low cut, off-the-shoulder gown, magically enhanced so that her extra pounds did not show. She also wore bright blue contacts, as she thought her glasses did not compliment the dress, but she loves to read. Her shoes were glass slippers, as Goyla forgot they were doing a Sleeping Beauty theme and was all set to play Cinderella.  
  
But, of course, there were also the Patil twins, Padma and Parvati . . . . . . But we can merely recommend a few good fanfics (2,821 at last count) where the girls are described in full detail. But what about the guys, huh? What about them?  
  
Harry had borrowed a bunch of Hermione's hair care products and managed to get the entire mass into a shining, sleek style reminiscent of Draco Malfoy (who, on a side note, was a better kisser than Mrs. Figg, perhaps tied with Ginny, though Ron might disagree). His robes were a deep magenta that shimmered when he walked in his gold ballet flats. He, of course, still wore his glasses, but some face-care products, borrowed from one Gilderoy Lockhart, were able to cover up that nasty scar on his head, one he didn't really like, anyway.  
  
Ron was wearing a frilly orange thing with gobs of old, moldy lace at the collar and cuffs. Sadly, Harry had used up all the make-up, so Ron's freckles stayed. Instead, using a bit of burnt wood from the fireplace, Harry drew a rather lopsided lighting bolt on his friend's forehead, just to be fair. At last, the boys were ready for the ball (which should only happen during Tri-Wizard Cup years, but no I'm repeating myself, and 78.32109% of fanfic authors disagree, so that makes me in the minority . . .) The Potions professor was clad in black (gee, really?) though it was neither slinky nor sparkly. In fact, it was just his common everyday garb, and his hair was of course still long and greasy, again owing to the fact that Harry used up all the hair care products. So everyone was (in at least his opinion) looking very sexy, except Snape, which really doesn't explain what happened next . . .  
  
Dumbledore had imported at least seven dozen new bushes onto Hogwarts ground for the sole purpose hiding couples while they did things I'm not going to explain because I do believe this has currently been rated G. (Sorry, I do know that 23.65894% of fics go above and beyond anything we really need to know as far as the authors describing exactly how they want to make out with Harry, but that's not above 50%, so, for the moment, those statistics are being ignored.) Anyway, Snape found his way into one of the bushes, knocked Ron unconscious, and . . . (Ugh, I can't believe I'm writing this . . .) anyway, we're going to do a time lapse thing here, and the next thing you know, Hermione comes up to Ron and Harry here they are playing wizard's chess, clears her throat, and says "Guys, I have something to tell you. . ." "Harry, I'm really your long lost twin sister. Don't ask me to relate all the details, as the author of this post is too lazy to play around with the jigsaw puzzle pieces of the Harry Potter world, but I thought I would tell you this rather important bit of information."  
  
Harry stood gaping at Hermione, only able to utter the occasional "er" sound, as Ron kept saying "bloody hell" loudly to himself in the background, trying to top the overly-tragic music playing that was supposed to add to the dramatic turmoil.  
  
Finally:  
  
"That means...all those times...and we were really related?"  
  
Hermione nodded. "Plus," here she gulped, "I'm...going to have a baby, Harry. I don't know who the father is." (Geeez this is getting x-rated fast)  
  
"Well..." Harry also gulped. "Well hell."  
  
Ron gulped also. "That's bloody odd, you bloody lot." Hermione sighed. "I know, it's rather a lot of DNA tests to pass around, isn't it? I've loads of lists to make: you two, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle (well, she was still a he back then), Snape, Filch -"  
  
Ron stopped his "bloody hells" long enough to puke into a bucket. "My word, Hermione! You don't mean you . . . I mean . . . er . . . eww."  
  
"And I don't remember anything." Harry scratched his head. "I mean, butterbeers are only so potent, and . . . well . . . you'd think I'd remember," he finished lamely.  
  
Hermione flushed. "Well, you don't always guard your drink very well."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"And it's so terribly easy to slip something in," she rushed on.  
  
Ron stopped puking and went back to his "bloody hells." "Won't someone shut off that music so a bloke can think?" he called out irritably and, amazingly, it stopped. "There. Hermione, you knew Harry was your twin brother and you still slipped something in his drink?"  
  
She shrugged. "Well, yeah. C'mon, Ron, you're just jealous you never thought of it."  
  
Ron turned bright red.  
  
Harry massaged his temples. Could this get any worse? Of course, things could always get worse, as Harry found out when he opened his eyes and Peter Pettigrew was standing in the room. He stared at Wormtail, surprised, as Ron (back to his sidekick role) looked terrified and Hermione looked annoyed.  
  
"You can't apparate into Hogwarts, Peter," she scolded. "You've just ruined my big dramatic scene. For the first time, I was the center of attention for something other than grades, and you go and interrupt!!" She buried her face in her arms and cried.  
  
Peter looked confused for a moment, almost as confused as Harry, who had been reassured that Peter never factored into most fanfics. But after a moment, Peter recovered and grabbed a stunned Harry by the arm and disapparated. This caused Hermione to cry even harder as she tried to shout, "You can't DO that, you weasel!" Ron gasped and began to run around like a chicken with its head cut off, having no idea who he was without Harry there. Hermione stopped bawling long enough to take charge, and she pulled Ron through the halls to Dumbledore's office, where she proceeded to say the name of every candy she had ever heard of, but to no avail.  
  
"Bloody he--," Ron said, slumping to the floor. To their amazement, that appeared to be the password and they entered the Headmaster's office.  
  
To their further amazement, Harry was sitting in the office, having tea with Dumbledore.  
  
"What happened?" Ron exclaimed, grateful to know who he was again. "How'd you get back?"  
  
Harry smiled. "You see, Voldemort and Peter knew about some ancient magic, but they had forgotten about the Magic from WAAAAAAAY Before the Dawn of Time, which says if a prisoner is popular enough to have over 10,000 fanfictions written about him, he cannot be killed by his nemesis. I reminded them of this ancient magic, and they sent me back to school."  
  
Ron nodded in absolute amazement, and then Dumbledore cleared his throat and said... "I never liked those fanfictions, anyway."  
  
Harry's eyes bugged. "What?!"  
  
"Oh, come on, Harry." The headmaster set down his teacup. "To actually like those things, you have to be a fan."  
  
"But there's a rumor that Harry's biggest fan was going to be killed in the next book, and we all thought it was you!" Hermione said.  
  
"Unless it's Hagrid," Ron pointed out. "He's a pretty big fan . . ."  
  
"Yeah, but there's also the unpopular theories, like Colin, Ginny, another one of the Weasley clan . . ." Dumbledore was ticking off on his fingers.  
  
"Wait - I thought you didn't read the fanfics," Harry said, confused. He rather liked reading them, especially the H+H fics and the ones where the authors brought in totally hot exchange students for the sole purpose of making out with him.  
  
"Just the rumors," Dumbledore assured him. "So I know what's going to happen next."  
  
"Well, you didn't predict this!"  
  
The four of them whirled around. "Oh, no!" Hermione shrieked, grabbing Harry's arm because he was closest. "It's . . . " We return to our trio as Hermione was gripping Harry's arm and pointing at the newcomer, saying, "It's...your cousin Dudley!", and fainting.  
  
Dumbledore looked calmly at the large boy who stood before him. "Actually, I did predict this, Mr. Dursley, seeing as I am the one who invited you to come to Hogwarts."  
  
Dudley looked confused for a moment, but then smiled and nodded. He looked at Harry and grinned more widely and maliciously.  
  
"What do you mean you invited him, Professor?" Harry sputtered.  
  
"Why, I am surprised you haven't heard, Harry," Dumbledore said. "It is quite a popular idea to have one of the Dursleys turn out to be magical, so I happened to notice Dudley's name on the list of wizards and thought it was high time he began his studies here."  
  
Harry groaned. All he needed was for Dudley to come and bully him at school. The foreign exchange student wouldn't think he was hot stuff if he was being shoved into a garbage can by his gigantic cousin. Except at this moment the exchange student - call her what you will; I prefer the name Daisy for some reason - came into the office and blinked her large, beautiful, baby blue eyes. Harry's jaw dropped lower than her neckline. "Uh . . . hi."  
  
"Hi." She flashed a couple dozen white teeth in a smile and whipped her perfectly straight blonde locks over her shoulder. "I'm here to . . . hello, handsome! where have you been all my life?"  
  
"Uh . . .Number 4, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey," Dudley said stupidly, once again naming the full address so all stalkers could find him.  
  
"Mmm-mmm-mmm, don't you look good enough to eat!"  
  
"Eat?" Dudley perked up at this; he understood food.  
  
"Yep." And, just as swiftly as she had come, Daisy dragged Dudley off in search of one of the Yule Ball bushes in order for a good make-out session.  
  
Hermione screwed up her face in thought. "Oh, yeah. Guess that's another DNA test to run."  
  
Harry opened his mouth to protest, but was stopped by . . . 


	2. The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom

If you haven't read the disclaimer at the beginning already please do so. 

Harry opened his mouth to protest, but was stopped by Voldemort who had just walked in with a evil grin on his face.   
"Haven't we gone over this before?" Harry said, addressing Voldemort. "You can do whatever you want but you will never kill me."   
Voldemort suddenly looked awkward. "I figured if you can't beat them, join them. Plus the fact that 2% of fanfic writers make you evil-"   
Harry put on an evil looking face. "Of course Lord Voldie. I will gladly join you."   
"ITS VOLDEMORT!! NOT VOLDIE!!"   
"Whatever you say Voldie"   
"VOL-DE-MORT!! NOT VOLDIE"   
"Voldie, Voldie, Voldie" Harry said, mocking him.   
"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! VOLDEMORT!!"  
"Voldie! Voldie! Voldie!" Harry continued to shout   
"Stop-"   
"Voldie"   
"Shut-"   
"Voldie!"   
"Aaaaargh!" all of a sudden Voldemort/Voldie spontaneously combusted   
"Whoa" said Harry   
"You shouldn't have done that Harry..." said Professor Dumbledore   
"Why not?" asked Harry... "I just killed the most evil wizard of all time..."   
"Yes..." said Dumbledore... "but in 23.546% of ff's... you mother Lily has an affair and Voldemort is really your father..."   
Ron shrieked like a girl and fainted

Harry stood there, dumbfounded. "But I thought this was a J.K. Rowling thing, not a George Lucas thing." He dug his script out of his pocket and leafed through it before giving up; none of this was anywhere in there.   
  
Hermione suddenly gave a shriek and clapped her hand to her mouth. "Harry!" She tugged his sleeve as ominous music built up in the background.   
  
"What?" our hero asked irritably, throwing his useless script into the fire.   
  
"It's Voldemort . . . just look, won't you?" she finished irritably.   
  
Harry looked. There, out of the ashes . . . "Oh, no," Harry groaned.   
  
Dumbledore laughed. "Yes. You see, Harry, Voldemort is part of the Order of the Phoenix. He can carry immensely heavy loads, and his tears have healing powers."   
  
Harry groaned once more and Ron took up his chorus of "Bloody hells" in time to the music as it built. The ashes were stirring. Something was in there. Something . . . evil . . .

It was the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM!!   
The slippers waved it's wand. 1000 Dementors entered the room. He struggled for his wand but then saw that the Dementors were arguing who should get to wear the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom. Harry sat entransified (I don't think that's a real word but who cares, fanfiction is a language all its own) by the argument but then suddenly there was a cry from the other end of the room.

"Shut up, I'm trying to think," Dumbledore shouted angrily, rummaging through his closet. "I absolutely _cannot_ decide what to wear tonight on my hot date with Minerva!"   
  
"What?!?" Everyone cried.  
  
"Oh, didn't you know?" Dudley inquired casually from the doorway. "In 3.67% of fanfics, Dumbledore is paired with McGonagall."   
  
"I'd prefer Arabella Figg," Dumbledore mused, "But no one seems to have thought of that..."   
  
"Excuse me," The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom interrupted. "You're supposed to be trying frantically to defeat me, not discussing Albus's love life!"   
  
"Oh, right," Hermione mumbled abashedly, and everyone began discussing possible strategies with a sect of anti-Evil Pink Bunny Slipper Dementors.   
  
"Of Course!" Daisy the exchange student, who had entered the room with Dudley grinning and holding his hand, groaned. "Voldemort's whole obsession with being immortal-which, being so very buddy buddy with you, I know _all_ about... you can make yourself immortal by enchanting part of your being into a pair of fuzzy pink slippers and wearing them at all times-when you die, your mind and powers live on in the slippers, but there're only two ways to destroy it."   
  
"Wh-what?" Hermione asked fearfully. "Does it involve breaking my perfectly polished nails?"   
  
Daisy-Sue giggled. "Oh no...the only antidote for Pink Fluffy slippers of doom is for a pink, fluffy Dementor to chew on them...or the person's daughter to throw herself into a bottomless chasm."   
  
"Voldemort doesn't have any daughters, soo-" Ron began.   
  
"Don't be silly, Ron, surely you know that in 3% of fanfictions, the exchange student is in some way related to Voldemort, of course?" Daisy whipped up a bottomless chasm in the middle of Dumbledore's office.   
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dudley screamed.   
  
"Don't be silly, Dudlykins," she giggled heroically. "Everyone knows that in fanfictions, if a Mary-Sue sacrifices herself for her friends, she's bound to come back to life later on."   
  
"Oh, alrighty then," he shrugged, kissing his love goodbye.   
  
And Daisy Riddle plunged into the bottomless abyss.   
  
"Argh," screamed the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM as they spontaneously combusted once again, this time into a pile of what looked like the contents of a pink pixie stick.   
  
"Mmmm, sugar," cackled Goyla as S/he placed his/her face into the mound.   
  
Suddenly, in his place, there stood a pink, fluffy necromancer.

Harry wondered what was going on but then there was a whoosh and he was spinning really really fast in a whirl color. He landed on the ground. He got up and looked around. Something was... different. "How did I end up on the grounds?" Harry wondered out loud. A familiar voice that he had never heard before came from behind Harry. "Well, in 15.486376% of fanfictions," A voice replied, "you for no good reason at all travel back in time to." It was the Marauders.

Sirius smiled at him, brushing long black hair out of his perfect blue eyes. (For some reason all fics that portray a young Sirius seem to make him have shoulder-length hair.) He was, of course, in his school robes, but utterly dashing. Back in the corner of the lawn Harry could see a line of policemen holding back a crowd of screaming girls and remembered that all ff writers agreed his godfather had been a bit of a ladies' man.   
  
Remus had brown hair, of course, and a cute, shy smile. He was not as tall as Sirius but not as short as Peter, and he was also considerably hot. Harry recalled that 85.3698% of Marauders writers were hopelessly in love with him.   
  
James, the tallest, has already been described as looking very much like Harry ('sides, no one has a crush on him; he's Lily's) and Peter's evil and short and chubby and no one has a crush on him, so they can be skipped over. (Yes, for some reason Harry was also attracted to Remus and Sirius; they were that hot!) 

Heh, heh . . .   
  
"Umm, who's that?" Harry asked, pointing to a girl who had appeared out of nowhere.   
  
"My girlfriend," Remus said, putting an arm around her. "In the time-honored tradition, Rhea has written herself into this story." And, of course, there I was, a pretty little thing with green eyes, red hair, and freckles.   
  
"And that?" Harry asked, pointing to another girl who had come up and taken Sirius' hand.   
  
"Jess." Because, of course, I had taken the best Marauder for myself and given my best friend her second choice, but hey, at least she's in it, right? Oh, and she had long brown hair and blue eyes and is extremely cute, too.   
  
Harry sighed. "Great. I know what's coming next, then."   
  
And he did. Anyone want to be Peter's girlfriend? Please give us an ample description of yourself and we will, of course, write you in. (Sorry, Ron's been taken too many times to count, and so has Harry, but the only spot open is Peter's girlfriend (or bf, if you really wish) so don't come in here asking if you can have Harry or Hermione or whomever, because they're _taken_ to the nth power, got it? Only Peter. Whew. Was I clear enough on that?)

So as the Marauders (a term, by the way, completely invented by ff authors to describe James Potter and his friends because they created a map by that name...) smiled lovingly at their significant other (for Lily was there with James as well, flipping her long auburn hair, and flashing her emerald eyes intelligently), except for Peter, who scowled at them all.   
  
Harry pulled Sirius aside to try to find out what was going on, since Sirius was his godfather. "What's going on?" Harry asked urgently. "Why are we here?"   
  
Sirius looked up absently. "Huh? Did you say something, Harry?"   
  
"Were you staring at Remus and Rhea?" Harry asked, distracted from his current predicament by any possibility of love gossip.   
  
Sirius shrugged. "What can I say? I'm insanely jealous of her. Look at her hang on his arm and giggle. He needs some one real... Like me."

Harry felt sympathetic; he knew how tangled Hogwarts love triangles could get.   
  
"I'm sorry," he said to the young Sirius.   
  
"Are you really?" Sirius said eagerly, perking up. "Will you help me then?"   
  
Harry looked puzzled and scratched his head. "With what?"   
  
Sirius sighed. "Duh. With getting Remus to like me."   
  
Harry nodded, happy to put the confusing situation of being thrown back in time out of his head and concentrate on something more important.   
Just then, Ron came over and announced...

"Damn, that Rhea is hot. Is Remus all that attached to her?"   
  
"Huh?" Harry frowned. This was all too convenient.   
  
"Oh, come on, Harry," Hermione said, flipping her hair over her shoulder and for the moment forgetting the fact that she was pregnant with . . . er . . . _someone's_ baby. "Don't you get it? Rhea's writing this. Just because she started out with Remus doesn't mean she cares if they break up, so long as she gets someone else. 'Course, she'll have to find someone else for Jess, too, but Sirius and Remus'll be happy."   
  
Harry nodded dazedly. "Well, right, then. We just need a plan to get this to work."   
  
Ron's eyes lit up. "I have an idea!"   
  
"Any good?" Hermione scoffed.   
  
"It involves French maid costumes," he said tantalizingly.   
  
"Well, then, tell us!" Harry said.   
  
Ron smirked and said . . . 

  
"Sirius, you don't happen to know your, ah, measurements?" Ron asked, actually blushing a bit.   
  
"Excuse me?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.   
  
"It's just . . . I happen to conveniently know someone in this time who knows how to sew and could make you a really smashing French maid outfit that I'm sure would have Remus floored."   
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "That's it? That's your entire plan?"   
  
"Well, yeah." Ron sounded a bit put out. "Why, d'you think it's missing something?"   
  
Hermione just smiled.

Hermione rolled her eyes.   
"Of course it's missing something, you ninny! This is a fanfiction- he has to have lots of fabulous accessories."   
  
"Oh, yeah!" Ron remembered, smacking his head. "Sorry about that. Hey, who votes to get into horrible danger so Rhea can heroically sacrifice herself for us? Maybe Jess too; we won't even have to get them new boyfriends."   
  
"Me." voted Sirius eagerly.   
"Me too" agreed Harry   
"Me three" confirmed Hermione   
"Me four," Peter added with a cackle of maniacal laughter.   
  
"Alrighty then," Harry said, rubbing his hands together. "Which do we do first?"   
  
"Costume!" Sirius chimed, clapping his hands together eagerly. "Please, let's do the costume first!"   
  
Hermione grinned, pulled out one of her long, sleek brown hairs and transfigured it into a pearly, fluffy black feather duster. "Okay then, practice suggestive tickling on the fat lady, Ron, you summon up that seamstress-pronto! This is important!"   
  
"Well, she's not really a seamstress..." Ron began awkwardly.   
  
"Who is she?" Hermione interrupted suspiciously.   
  
"My mum."

About this time Rhea had to interrupt to tell them that, no matter what, neither she nor Jess would sacrifice themselves for the others on any conditions, so they'd better fix their plans a bit. Say, hook her up with Ron - Ron was agreeable - and find someone for Jess. "But I like the whole idea of Sirius in a French maid costume," she added, "and I won't let on, but you'd better go find your mom now."   
  
Which was, of course, keeping in step with the whole fanfic idea, especially because it was impossible for Ron's mom to be at school and the Marauders to be sixteen and gorgeous (not that being gorgeous has anything to do with Mrs. Weasley) but, anyway, Ron went off to find her. When he explained what they were going to do, she opened her mouth and said . . .

"Of course I believe that you are my son from the future and of course I will make you a French maid costume for your friend, but I must ask, what on earth are you wearing?"   
  
Ron looked down at his shabby hand me down robe and said, "Oh, just Charlie's old robe that was Percy's and George's before it was mine."   
  
"Goodness," his mother exclaimed. "Are we that poor in the future?"   
  
Ron turned red and yelled, "Why does everyone have to make such a big deal about how much money we have? That's all anyone ever talks to me about!" And he stomped off.   
  
However, as he pondered the plan on his way back to see Harry, he was cheered considerably by the thought of Sirius in a French maid costume and Rhea falling for him. For once, he would be getting what he wanted...

Well, so he thought. When he got back to the group he was met by Rhea . . . except she was hanging all over another redhead, who, for all he knew, could have been his identical twin. Ron shook his head to clear it and turned to his best friend. "Harry, what the hell is going on?"   
  
Except Harry didn't have a scar and he must have been wearing blue colored contacts. "I'm not Harry. I'm Dan. I only play him in the movie."   
  
Ron's jaw dropped. "And he's . . . "   
  
"Rupert Grint. And he plays you, I guess. But I still think this is all a dream." Dan shook his head. "Man, I've read some of these fanfic things . . . but never an actual I-meet-Harry-Potter one."   
  
"Yeah, I was bored with the you-change-places-with-Harry ones," Rhea said. "Hey, wait . . . if _you're_ here . . ."   
  
"Then what?" Ron asked, exasperated.   
  
"Then we only need to do the French maid costume to get Remus and Sirius together. I've a new prospect." And, with a snap of her fingers, Sean Biggerstaff appeared.   
  
"Oliver Wood?" Ron asked.   
  
Rhea just rolled her eyes and went off with Sean in tow to find a more private corner.   
  
Hermione laughed. (It was her, because she was the one who'd gone through the make-over.) "Well, on with the plan."

"We need a seamstress" said Ron. Suddenly a blonde, skinny girl appeared "I can sew really good." Everyone except Rupert and Dan said, "Who are you?" The boys screamed. "Britney Spears!" "Ok guys let's get cracking." An hour later everyone was dressed in their French maid costumes. "Ok guys move out." She got ready to disappear. 

  
"Ok troops head out." Said Hermione who now looked very pregnant.

Sirius ducked behind another bush ("There seem to be a lot of those around," Emma noted) and changed into the frilly black-and-white silk concoction. Finally it seemed Remus had noted something was up. "Has anyone seen Rhea?"   
  
"In one of the bushes with Sean," Hermione said.   
  
"Who?"   
  
"The guy who plays Oliver," Emma supplied. "And don't even go looking for the boys who play Harry and Ron."   
  
"Except you might find them if you get the wrong bush," Hermione pointed out. "Because, unlike the general fanfic consensus, you _can't_ Apparate or Disapparate on Hogwarts grounds!"   
  
"Sheesh, calm down," Remus said, but, at that moment Sirius emerged in full French maid splendor. For a while Remus only stared, mouth hanging open, but when he finally managed to put his eyes back in the first word out of his mouth was . . .

"Run" and so he did.  Sirius' face fell. "But he's supposed to say 'wow'" 

"I have an idea!" shouted Emma. She pulled out a yo-yo. And grabbed Hermione's wand ("HEY!") and shouted "Accio Remus" "HEY! Muggles can't do magic!" shouted Hermione but Remus came anyway. Emma then hypnotized him to take Sirius into a bush. Then it suddenly dawned on Harry

"You didn't tell them to go to a empty bush..."

Just then they heard a scream.............

"Well, I couldn't remember which ones were empty!" she snapped as Brittney, (uh-oh, who was that, Ron?) and someone else fled into another bush, which, of course, was empty, since no one's about to interrupt me and Sean.   
  
"There," Emma said proudly. "That worked, didn't it?"   
  
Harry cleared his throat. "Umm, isn't there usually some purpose as to why I go back in time? Not just the make-out factor I mean. Isn't there something I have to do?"   
  
Hermione shrugged. "Sure, but at the moment Rhea's busy, and unless someone else magically appears- "   
  
"How else would they?" Emma muttered.   
  
"-So then we're stuck staring at bushes. Except we could always go back to the mystery of who the father is," she piped up happily.   
  
Harry and Rupert shared a look "I don't think . . . "

Suddenly Hermione disapparated and aparated back again.  "Wait I can't disapparate on Hogwarts grounds!" She said before disapparted again. 

"Ok that was weird." said Harry looking at Rupert. But Rupert wasn't there. He and Emma, and a team of archeologists were excavating a T-rex fossil. Now he was all alone. "What should I do now? No Voldemort, No Ron and Hermione, and no Qudditch..." But he didn't notice the movement at the end of the grounds. (and no it wasn't someone making out)

  
Suddenly the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom appeared and attached himself to Harry's feet. 

"Muahahahahaha! Now I will control Harry Potter and turn him evil and use him to take over the world!"   
"Hey get off of me! Why can't you go bother someone else?"   
"Because there is a small but significant number of fanfics that involve you being evil."   
"Oh yeah I forgot about that. Now should we blow up the Himalayas or attack the British Parliament?"   
All of a sudden someone appeared in the shadows. 

"Who are you?"   
"I'm Frodo Baggins. Hmmm this isn't Mordor -"   
"Enough chit chat. For my first act of EVIL, I will feed you to the wolves! Muahahahahahahaha!"   
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

Harry snapped his fingers and Remus came running. 

"Wait come back!" Sirius was crying in the distance. The clouds shifted and the full moon appeared. 

"I'm hungry Harry give me hobbit." he transformed. Just as Harry was about to feed Frodo to wolf-Remus, when Sirius (pausing from his crying for a moment) shouted, "Look in the sky it's a bird!"

"No it's a plane" Harry said (pausing from feeding Frodo to Remus)

"No," said Frodo, "it's- it's- it's........"

"Hedwig?" said Harry, "What are you doing here?" 

"I told you it's a bird."  
Hedwig had a roll of parchment in her beak. Harry took it out. It read:   
  
_Harry,   
  
Come back to the present now!!! Since in 32.6% of all ff's we host another Triwizard tournament... we need you!"   
  
Fondly,   
  
Albus Dumblydork_

"I need a timeturner" said Harry."

"I have one." said Voldemort taking it off.

"No, I can't take it. In 98.5% of fanfics I have to go on an adventure to get what I want."

"Okay." said Voldie ("It's Voldemort!" "Shut Up Voldie.")

Suddenly everyone disappeared. "What the..." Harry says but before he could finish a giant maze grew up before him. 

"What's this?" he asks. Suddenly a voice said, "Go through it and at the end is a time-turner."

"Who are you?"

"I'm your inner thought master. You have me in 67.2% fanfics and in 54.1% fanfics you tell me to shut up."

"Well stay now."

"Ok." And with a deep breath Harry entered the maze.


	3. Legolas

Note: There a few first person references (I was, I had) in chapter 2 so please note that part was not written by me. (See disclaimer)

----------------------------------------------

Hermione cleared her throat loudly. "And what about us?" she asked, twirling a lock of hair.   
  
"Doofus, we just stand here and wait for him to do whatever and get us back to the future. Er, now," Ron said, explaining the role of sidekick beautifully.   
  
"Always?" Emma wanted to know. "I've read a few fics where he runs into trouble and desperately needs our help, so we run in and save the day."   
  
"Only to find out it's all a movie set and his scar's been painted on," Dan agreed.   
  
"Hey, wait," Ron said, irritated. "Since when did you guys start writing this? And where's Rhea when you need her?"   
  
The others gave him a look.   
  
He sighed. "Right, well, we need _someone_ to tell us what to do now that Harry's gone."   
  
"I play him in the movie," Dan piped up defensively.   
  
"Bully for you. You wave around a stick and hope the props department gets it right," Rupert said crossly. "And I'm sick of all the stupid lines. If anyone ever quotes 'Why couldn't it have been follow the butterflies?' to me again, I'm quitting."   
  
Meanwhile the Marauders simply shook their heads. "We need help, and fast," James said, shouting it to the sky like we fic writers somehow live on clouds.   
  
And, lo and behold . . . "Look!" Peter shouted, pointing. "It's . . . "

Emily. 

"Hi Guys."

"Who are you" asked Hermione."

"I'm Emily a fic writer and I've come to give you advice on what to do." 

(Note: Again that's not me)

"Well hurry up do tell." said Rupert

"You guys go in the maze after Harry just in case something bad happens to him." says Emily.

"What if nothing happens?" asked Ron.

"Trust me I know something will happen."

"Ok." said the gang and they all went in the maze.

Then Emily realized she was all alone and couldn't get off Hogwarts grounds(for some unknown reason)

"Wait for me" she shouted but as she entered the maze she realized the gang was gone and then she heard the door lock. The only way out wass to get to the timeturner. 

"I hope something delays them all of them and nobody gets seriously hurt or killed." Then she realized there were three paths. Which one should she take?  

While Emily was struggling to catch up to the group of monsters she had helped to create, there was quite a fight going on between Hermione and Rupert.   
  
"What makes you think you know which way the timeturner is?" Rupert demanded.   
  
"It's simple logic, really..."   
  
"Logic? Do you think you're really a genius just because you play one in the cinema?" Rupert asked Hermione, laughing.   
  
"You half wit, I am Hermione! It's your sweetheart over there who plays me at the cinema," she exclaimed exasperated.   
  
Rupert blushed. "Right, then. Lead on...But she's not my girlfriend, you know..."   
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Is that supposed to excite me? Cause I'll have you know that Severus' lines are much better than yours, and he's an old dirty man..."   
  
Rupert opened his mouth to reply indignantly, but something flew into it. It was an arrow. Actually, a dud arrow, but there, out of the hedge clambered a tall figure with pointy ears. He frowned. "You are not hobbits."   
  
Ron coughed, as the fake arrow had turned to smoke and was now forcing its way down his throat. "No," he gasped.   
  
"But this seems to be where we meet the Lord of the Rings characters," Hermione said.   
  
"That would be correct. Ow." A girl - human - stumbled out behind Legolas, pulling branches from her hair.   
  
"Rhea?!"   
  
She rolled her eyes. "Sheesh, she's on her way to Vegas right now. I'm her better half, Tanardawen. Don't you ever check sig updates?"   
  
"Narda, what is going on here?" Legolas asked.   
  
"Well, she -" this new girl pointed to Emily "- has decided that they are all going to what, wait here for Harry to come out? I say we go in after him."   
  
"What, and look for halflings along the way?" Ron chortled, but Legolas had drawn another arrow - a real one this time.   
  
"We go to aid our friends. Onward!" And he ran into the maze, Rhea - er, I mean Tanardawen, since Rhea's the one with Sean, right? Right. - ran after him.   
  
The rest of them shrugged and followed. Meanwhile, getting back to Harry, we find our hero had already run into President George W. Bush. The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom whispered to Harry-"Persuade him to reek havoc on the whole United States so Britain will become the superpower of the world and I-"   
"Voldie" said Harry.   
"IT'S VOLDEMORT!! I, Voldemort will rule the world! Muhahahaha!"   
"Okay, okay just stop that laugh. 78.43569032% of fanfics start with me waking up to a dream with that laughter in it."   
"Fine." said the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom, crossing their pink arms.   
"President Bush, will you reek havoc on the US?"   
Bush stood there for a few minutes until-

"We're going to start a conflict with Iraq! Start up the draft! YEHAW!!"

Having found the perfect 'strategy' to ruin the US, W. scampered off through the bushes (tripping over several random couples along the way).   
  
Harry laughed at the comic figure and turned back to Voldie ("Voldemort!") and the Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom. "So, are you going to help me find the time-turner, or what, big V?"   
  
Voldie cringed at the nickname, but cackled, "So Harry Potter is asking for mighty Lord Voldemort's help?"   
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "Let's stop with all this dramatic stuff. I'm not bowing down to you and your evil ways, I'm just really lost..."   
  
Voldie's face fell. "Oh. Well, I guess I can help you anyway..." 

Just as they got started on their way Percy Weasley stepped out of a bush hugging close to his chest the single bone that used to be Mr. Bartemus Crouch Sr, while screaming, "I found you my love and mentor! Your awful son thought he could end our secret love affair just by killing you while in your pitiful mental state and the proceeding to bury you in the ground like some common cabbage seedling from Hagrid's garden!"  
It was then that poor Pecry realized he was not alone, and that Fred and George popped out of a hedge screaming, "I KNEW HE BROKE UP WITH THAT CLEARWATER BROAD FOR A REASON!"   
Percy, in a desperate attempt to take the spotlight off of himself so he could run away with his "love", asked very loudly "Hey! Weren't we just wondering about Harry?"

Narda rolled her eyes. "No, _we_ were just wondering about Harry. You just showed up out of nowhere, so far as I can tell."   
  
"And where did those two come from?" Emma asked, pointing at the twins. "And which set are you?" The rest of the group came around the bend as well, Legolas with bow in hand, eyes darting about for any sign of a hobbit.   
  
"We're Forge and Gred," one of them said.   
  
"The real ones, then," Ron sighed, though they had just noticed Emma.   
  
"Hey, you look a lot like Hermione . . . "   
  
"Except a lot less pregnant . . . "   
  
"And you're hair's not so bushy . . . "   
  
Harry rolled his eyes to the sky. "God, not an Emma-George-Fred triangle! Anything but that!"   
  
The Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom cackled. "You said anything," they warned, just as there was a bright flash of light. When the smoke cleared, Harry rubbed his eyes and looked around. His jaw dropped. He couldn't be seeing this. . . .

Behind a very high bush were, to Harry's surprise, Lily Evans and Remus Lupin.   
  
"Mom?" he said, interrupting.   
  
Lily managed to pull herself from Remus' lips. "Who're you?"   
  
Harry looked hurt. "I'm your son, Harry. You know, your and James' son?" He looked at her expectantly.   
  
"Me and James?" she looked at Harry in disbelief. "I don't think so. I'm quite sure Remie and I will be together forever."   
  
Looking at Lily suspiciously, Harry backed away. "What's she talking about?" he asked Hermione, who was still the brains of the operation despite her "delicate" condition.   
  
"It is a common theme in fanfics for Lily to be romantically involved with one, or all of the Marauders," Hermione explained. "Well, most usually Remus, but come to think of it, I don't think there has been one documented case of Lily falling for Peter..."   
  
"Well we've got to do something," Harry said. "If she marries Lupin, I won't be born."   
  
"This reminds me of a movie I saw once," Emma said, and began humming the music to 'Back to the Future.'   
  
"We can't interfere," Hermione said crossly. "We could change the entire future of the world. Besides, I have a huge craving for vomit flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor beans." When no one jumped to get her some, she roared at Ron, "GET ME SOME BERTIE BOTT'S!!"   
  
"She's scary," Ron said under his breath as he ran away, "an Iron Chef, but scary."   
  
Oh yes, as the temporary narrator of this tale, I would like to mention Hermione's interest for cooking with raw squid and a mallet. She learned this from a house elf who's secret lover had been eaten by the giant squid in the Hogwarts lake. They had been going for a stroll when the deceased house elf suggested preparing calamari for the next Hogwarts ball. That put the squid over the edge, causing him to mangle the tiny body of the little servant.   
  
Hermione and the house- elf, who's name was Jinky the Winky, smuggled in a TV and learned all they could from the muggle cooking show. Although she had never really been on the show, she told all her uh… "friends" that she had guest hosted for an entire season. So when Ron was speaking of Hermione's "secret talent", he was only half right, as he usually is.   
So off Ron scampered to collect all the Bertie Bott's Vomit Every Flavor Beans on the continent of Europe. His first stop however, was to Border's to buy the newest Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Fan Fictions gone Awry by a bunch of P.O. ed fans.   
 

"Wicked," Ron said, picking it up and paying exactly what it was worth - half a button and some pocket lint. Then, armed with Bertie Botts, he returned to the maze.   
  
Hermione eagerly seized the bag, but her face fell. "Ron, I had a craving for the vomit flavored ones five minutes ago! Now it's creamed spinach."   
  
"I'll go," Harry volunteered, yelling "Accio Firebolt" and somehow having it come back in time to exactly where he was standing.   
  
"What the hell, Harry," Ron said, nose in the book. "It says here you learn how to Apparate mysteriously within a few paragraphs of most fics."   
  
"Oh. Right." Harry shrugged and the broom disappeared with a small pop. Then Harry Disaparated.   
  
"On Hogwarts grounds!" Hermione said indignantly. "Let me see that." She snatched the book from Ron. "Ach! Why can't fans bit a bit more precise?"   
  
"Because we're not always interest in being precise," Narda said, linking her arm through Legolas'. "Sometimes it's simply a means of putting our daydreams on the Internet for all the world to see."   
  
"But you forgot to add the hobbits," the elf said, a bit disappointed.   
  
"Ooh, let me!" Emma squealed, grabbing Hermione's wand - "Hey!" - to give it a good swish and flick, yelling something incomprehensible. When the smoke cleared, everyone looked around expectantly. . . 

only to see Danny DeVito screaming something in a cell phone about wanting to be a hobbit in the Return of the King. Hermione began bellowing at Emma for not even knowing a simple hobbit summoning charm. Legalos fainted at the sight of the horrid little man. Rupert could be heard muttering something about elves being pansies.   
Danny DeVito noticed his surroundings were no longer his luxurious Beverly Hills estate. "Where the hell am I? What happened to my house? WHY IS MY CELL PHONE IN ROAM!? You little munchkins are going to pay any long distance fees I get!"   
Ron, looking up from his new favorite book, was utterly appalled by what this obviously vertically challenged man was saying. "You, little leprechaun man, are in Scotland at the prestigious Hogwarts School of uh... BACON GREASE! Yeah! The Hogwarts School of Bacon Grease is an academy devoted to the study of bacon grease and its effects on Evil Pink Bunny Slippers."   
"Hey! I resent that!" barked Voldemort.   
A resounding "SHUT UP!" could be heard all over the Hogwarts School of Bacon Grease grounds. A young Hagrid (keep in mind it IS the 70's) poked his out a new looking hut and said, "Could you please try and keep the noise level down. I'm entertaining some of my acquaintances from my alma mater, Oxford."

Then there was a pop and the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom turned back into Lord Voldie.   
"VOLDEMORT!! NOT VOLDIE!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AS-" But Lord Voldie got a hoarse throat and could not finish his sentence and started wildly waving his hands around for some water. Then everyone noticed that his shorts were moldy! 

"OH NO! I've lost my frying pans" said Hermione.

Then appearing out of nowhere. . . well, actually out of Hagrid's hut, came Merry and Pippin. "What ho, who goes there?" asked Pippin.   
  
"Cherrio old chap, just a couple of wizards," Merry said, rolling his eyes.   
  
Legolas blinked. "Where are Frodo and Sam? And what are you doing here?"   
  
"Having tea with our old friend Hagrid, what what!"   
  
"Discussing our jolly days at Oxford, old chap."   
  
Just then Harry reappeared with five large bags of Bertie Botts in his hands. "Oh, Harry," Hermione moaned, "Now I'm in the mood for mashed carrot flavor!"   
  
"Got 'em right here." Harry passed a bag over.   
  
Ron, still reading his book, nodded. "Yep, some fanfics have Harry become psychic for convenience only."   
  
"Kind of hard to continue the story until she gets over her cravings," Narda pointed out.   
  
"Quite right," Pippin agreed.   
  
"We're in a story? Bloody hell!" Merry exclaimed.   
  
"Hey, hey, hey - in most fanfics, that's my trademark," Ron warned.   
  
"But we must find Frodo and the Ring," Legolas said, looking a bit confused.   
  
"And we have to find ourselves a timeturner," Harry sighed. "And somebody has to get rid of him and those." He pointed to Voldemort and his moldy shorts, in that order.   
  
Narda shook her head. "Sorry. Writer's block. We have to wait for someone else to show up."   
  
Harry sighed and asked the stupid leading question that has a most obvious answer: "Could this get any worse?"

"Yesssss." a croaking voice could be heard from underneath one of the maze's walls. "Must give Gollum his preeeeeecious."   
  
"May the plague of the dwarves be upon she who brought this foul creature into the story!" Legolas scowled as he dragged Gollum out from beneath the hedge.   
  
"Let go of Gollumsessss!" the decrepit old hobbit cried, his limbs flailing desperately to get out of the elf's grasp. "Give Gollum his preeeeeeciousss!"   
  
Hermione sighed and rolled her eyes, nose scrunched up in thought. "If I remember correctly, Gollum, Frodo has it. He's with Samwise Gamgee at the moment, waiting for you to guide them into Mordor and then betray them-so scoot!" With that she snapped her fingers and, to all of our relief, banned Gollum from the Harry Potter Universe for (almost) ever.

Legolas clenched his teeth in frustration. "Hermione."  
  
"Yes, sweetie?" Dang, too bad she hadn't met him before . . . that was one DNA test she wouldn't mind if it proved true.   
  
Noticing the endearment the ever-faithful elf put an arm around Narda. "I am trying to find Sam and Frodo," he said evenly with an air of pleasantness.   
  
"So?"   
  
"God, is she really this mush of a ditz?" Emma asked.   
  
"Well, she can memorize the books in no time flat," Harry said softly.   
  
"Ah."   
  
Legolas took a deep breath. "You just sent Gollum off to Frodo and Sam. Not me; Gollum."   
  
"Well, he's not all that cute." She twirled a lock of hair.   
  
"Ron, what's going on?" Rupert asked.   
  
"Well, something seems to be wrong. We've the pregnant, made-over Hermione, but I think somehow she's melding with the ditzy blonde from America." He frowned. "But I can't be sure."   
  
"What does this have to do with the one ring?" Legolas exploded. "Where in the name of some famous elf I'm going to make up right now - "   
  
"Sheraniel," Narda suggested.   
  
"Perfect." He straightened his braids and started again. "Where in the name of Sharaniel are Frodo and Sam?"   
  
"I can answer that!" said Hagrid, coming back towards them with a pink blouse. "They are at Oxford!"   
"What?" Rupert exclaimed

"That's what I said! A person gets expelled from Hogwarts, and suddenly, everything they say is accompanied by 'what!'."   
"So what are we waiting for? Let's go to this Oxford place that this giant man speaks of!" replied Legalos.   
"Hey who're you callin' a giant, Blondie?" roared Hagrid.   
"You, beeetch!" shrieked Legalos, beginning to claw at Hagrid's flesh, his arrows entirely forgotten.   
The surroundings suddenly changed from the Hogwarts School of Bacon Fat to the set of The Jerry Springer Show, where the topic of the day was 'I am a magical being, who feels as if I've been insulted by another, more inferior magical being'. 


	4. No title

This chapter has been edited. Nothing major however.

----------------

"Hermione: the story of a girl. Whose child is she carrying? What have her relationships been? With many, many guest appearances"

Before the show had started, the crew had been giving Hagrid large quantities of mead, in an attempt to work him into a drunken rage at Legolas' insensitive comments about his ancestry. Little did they know that Hagrid is not a fighting drunk, but a weeping drunk.   
  
When the segment of the show began, Hagrid was crying tears literally the size of a crocodile, while Legolas stared coolly at him.   
  
"How could you say those things about me?" Hagrid bawled. "I couldn't help me mum was a giant, you nasty elf. And so what if I was kicked out of Hogwarts? I graduated from Oxford with those fine hobbits," he continued, indicating Merry and Pippin.   
  
Legolas was much too dignified to respond to this on a show that he could see was run by a being infinitely worse than Sauron. He sat silently, looking menacingly at Mr. Springer.   
  
Jerry spoke up, anxious to start a fight. "Did you hear that Mr. Legolas? That hairy giant just called you a nasty elf!" Seeing that the elf could not be provoked, he rolled up his sleeves and sighed, "I guess I'll have to send you back to the past where you were stuck..."   
  
Hermione heard this and knew what she had to do to save the day. They couldn't go back to the '70's...being in the Muggle present was better than the wizard past. Plus, she wanted to keep Legolas trapped in the wrong time long enough to get him away from that tramp he was with.   
  
She ran onto the stage, to everyone's surprise. "I have found out the results of the DNA test! I know who my baby's father is!"   
  
The crowd, especially Hermione's friends, went into an uproar. The words "DNA test" and "baby's father" brought Jerry Springer back to what little senses he had and he quickly said, "We'll be back with the startling results after these messages..."

As soon as the scene cut to commercials, Narda was all over Hermione, hissing and scratching. "How dare you think of me as a tramp!" she screamed.   
  
"Quick! Camera!" Jerry yelled.   
  
"Because you are, you little . . . I mean, why would I think that?" But Hermione had a few good swings left in her.   
  
"Hermione! The baby!" Ron was all concerned, but, for good measure, Narda decked him too.   
  
"Hey!"   
  
"That's for maybe creating such a thing!" Narda screamed, but Legolas was pulling her back. She was bleeding from a cut on her forehead and a black eye was blooming beautifully.   
  
"They are not worth it," Legolas said coolly, eyeing Hermione with nothing short of distain.   
  
Drat. Maybe he'd better go, anyway . . . .

But before Legolas could leave in a huff, or convince anyone else that they should, the commercials were over and the show was back on the air.   
  
Jerry asked Hermione to sit down and tell the audience her sad story.   
  
"Well, it all began when Malfoy called me a mudblood in my second year. I got quite an inferiority complex from that, despite being better than anyone here," she began sadly.   
  
The noble elf could stand no more, and using the special elf magic that J.K. Rowling has yet to disclose to us, though Dobby has used it, vanished.   
  
Narda burst into tears. Ron began to comfort her, but as Hermione saw she was no longer the center of attention, she skipped the rest of her life story and said loudly, "The father of my baby is the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM!"   
  
"Do you mean He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?" Ron asked stupidly.   
  
"No, it wasn't Voldemort, you idiot," Hermione scoffed. "Just his slippers." She began to cry, obviously faking, but Jerry Springer handed her a tissue.   
  
As she took the tissue, she felt a sharp tug around her belly button and she soon found herself in the lake, riding on the back of what looked like a horse with a mane of kelp.   
  
"What're you?" Hermione asked, suddenly, without explanation, able to breathe underwater, because this is a fanfic.

"I work at pizza hut" the thing said "YOU WILL EAT PIZZA OR DIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!

"But I hate pizza! It's the only thing that can bring my evil bushy hair back!" she screamed.   
"I'm sorry, said the kelpie, whose name ironically was 'Thing', but pizza is the only thing that can save your unborn child from all the public ridicule it will endure all because you were sweet talked by an evil sorcerer's fancy footwear."   
Ron and Harry, still gaping open mouthed like jellyfish. (I KNOW JELLY FISH DON'T HAVE MOUTHS! THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF FAN FICS! MWAHAHAHA!) Sorry. My alter ego, Ju Ju, (Don't ask about the name, your soul could be stolen) just went a little crazy. ::_ beats alter ego with large beating stick_:: BACK JU JU! BACK I SAY!! Well, now that that problem is under control, on with the story... Ron and Harry, were STILL gaping open mouthed like jelly fish, and started crying on each other's shoulders asking why the stupid pink bunny slippers of doom, "That's EVIL Pink bunny slippers of doom to you, Missy!" , as I was saying, before I was interrupted by a SHOE…   
Sooooo...  
Ron and Harry, were STILL gaping open mouthed like jelly fish, and started crying on each other's shoulders asking why the stupid, evil, pink, bunny, slippers, of doom were the only ones to pass the test, when suddenly, Fred popped out of a bush wearing pink spectacles and said, "My dear, insolent, slobbering, buffoons, it was not the kind of test that one passes, but one of specific genetic patterns."   
George then proceeded to grab Fred by the shoulders while apologizing and saying that he was working on following in his hero, Hagrid's, rather large footsteps and attending Oxford. (little does anyone know, but it's all an act! Fred and George only want to go to Oxford to blow up the toilets. But no one must know, because it might be perceived as an act of terrorism which would cause the U.S. to go to war with Britain, which would not be good for the world, seeing as they are our allies and… "YOU TOLD! STUPID NARRATOR GIRL! WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU OUR PLOT! NOW FRED'LL NEVER GET IN!" George bellowed at me. And I'm afraid that this is where I'll have to end it until Fred and George calm down a smidgen ::_runs away shrieking from pc_::

Back to the story:   
  
Fred and George decided the only way they would get into Oxford now was to have some influential friends put in a good word for them. Unfortunately, they didn't have any influential friends, so this presented a problem.   
  
"Hey," Fred said suddenly. "Let's go talk to Jo Rowling."   
  
"Do you think she'd help?" George said excitedly.   
  
"Sure she will. She created us, I'm sure she wants to see us succeed in life...by the way, how did everyone else get off of the Jerry Springer show and back to Hogwarts?" Fred asked.   
  
No one seemed to know this, but they were too relieved to be back in the correct time to question it.   
  
"Wait, Fred," George said. "Won't Jo be too busy writing Order of the Phoenix? I do want her to write in our graduation, and if we interrupt she may get mad and take that out..."   
  
"Haven't you heard?" Ron exclaimed. "Let the joyous news be spread: She has finished book 5!"   
  
There was much cheering and celebration and then Fred and George left on their quest. After more rejoicing, Emma looked around and said puzzedly, "Where's Hermione gone? I haven't seen her since she got port-keyed off of Jerry Springer?"

*****************************************

"I'm sorry," the kelpie sighed, flipping her mane to one side. "My alternate personality has this pizza fetish..."   
  
"What?"   
  
"Oh, never mind. We're getting near the mertown now, where the real father of your baby, Draco Malfoy, is waiting to propose to you."   
  
"Propose!?" Hermione shrieked. "But I'm only 15! Is that even legal? And how do you know-"   
  
"This is fanfiction, Hermione," the kelpie sighed. "Random characters mysteriously know things nobody else does. And it doesn't matter what age you are, or whether it's legal, certain fanfics marry you to a male character-in this one, it's going to be Draco Malfoy."   
  
"Oh, come on," Hermione sighed more quietly, leaping off the kelpie's back onto the lake bed, "It's just irrational to pair me with Malfoy. What are these authors thinking? WE might learn to respect each other, but our differences are just too insurmountable..."   
  
The kelpie let out what could be discerned as a snort. "You're so _naive_! Fanfiction authors don't think about that sort of thing! They just write whatever daydream pops into their heads!"   
  
"Oh, that's _horrible_" Hermione grumbled. "But I guess I'll just be stuck with every male character in the books until June, won't I?"   
  
"Sad, but true, "the kelpie agreed, leading Hermione into the mertown. " But even then-who knows if JKR will put a concrete romance between you and Ron-it could continue even afterwards!"   
  
"Oh, no!"

*******************************

"Yeah I haven't seen her either."   
Suddenly out of nowhere a midget with a leaf palm frond called _Savage appeared.  
"Hey! Who are you and what are you doing here?" someone asked.   
Well, going with the tradition of most fanfiction I have written one of my alter egos into the story."   
"Oh" they all said. So then they all arranged to search for Hermione. The search party was entitled "The Order of the Phoenix," Because 5% of fanfics actually have plots (whether anybody believes it or not) and this seemed like a good idea. However a fight broke out because Legolas wanted it to be called the "Fellowship of the Phoenix" and in the end, Ron and Rupert won and Legolas had to be brought along tied up from head to toe because they decided unanimously that throwing him in the lake was simply inhumane._

Meanwhile, it should be mentioned that Narda would not stand having her man trusse dup like that and managed to give _Savage_ a black eye until Ron and Rupert tied her up, too. So much for me. I don't have any more alter egos.   
  
Oh, and an update . . . Rhea and Sean happily married in Las Vegas with Elvis as a witness and are now honeymooning in Scotland, because he of course has that cute accent.

I am allowed to return since Fred and George have begun to take anger management sessions with a highly trained therapist! Yay!   
So the search party set off in a totally opposite direction with Rupert, Emma, and Dan singing something about the "Wizard of Oz." This was earning them sideways glances from the other members of this band of sputtering baboons.   
As they were approaching the Forbidden Forest, Ron decided he was tired and plopped his bottom on a stump.   
"Why are we walking when we could just wait for the Ford Anglia to appear? See as it comes back to us in 15.36% of fan fics."   
"But Ron!" shrieked Malfoy, popping out of a bush with a horrible red wig on, "Then you wouldn't be getting the recommended amount of exercise! And then you would get fat, and that is sooo not cute!   
This was too much for Harry, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE, MALFOY? AND WHY DO YOU HAVE A WIG COVERING YOUR BEAUTIFUL, PLATINUM BLONDE LOCKS?"   
"Oh Harry, you silly goose! Don't be so over order protective! Especially since I don't even love you anymore. I love Ronniekins. He has a much better sense of humor than you!" replied Malfoy, "Oh, and I've changed my name to Daisy Malfifi, since my father disowned (being disowned by his father happens in 59.6 of all fan fics that feature Malfoy errr… Malfifi) me for being a pouf! Plus, it sounds so cute on me! Don't ya think?" he and/or she giggled.   
"But Malfoy," began Ron, "THAT'S MALFIFI TO YOU, WEASLEY, oops! Sorry! Um… Puddin, what would you like to ask me?" responded D.M.

"Well," continued Ron, "I just wanted to ask why you were hiding in that bush."   
D.M. was just about to open his/her mouth when Albus Dumbledore popped out of thin air, lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his half-moon glasses.   
"It is time,' he said 'for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry. Please sit down. I am going to tell you everything."

Harry sat down, but it was a trap and he fell in a hole. Dumbledore took off his mask. It was Voldemort with moldyshorts and the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom!!! 

"Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah  
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah*cough*hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah  
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah  
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!   
I finally have Harry Potter in my trap!! AVADA KEDAVRA!!"

Voldemort killed Harry, became the most powerful wizard in the world, conquered the world, became supreme ruler of earth and renamed the planet Planet Voldie. "Hey!" Harry said, "That's not fair! You can't end the story like that!"   
Ok, ok, Voldemort DIDN'T take over the world. Have it your way.   
Voldemort with moldy shorts and Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom broke down crying. "But it's not FAIR!! I never get to win! WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

Just because he felt it was getting to quiet, Sirius (who somehow had showed up with a New York Yankees hat and green pinafore on) pointed his wand and shouted, "FINITE INCANTETEM!", at Voldemort.   
A ghost popped out of the Lord of the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom, formerly known as Lord Voldemort's wand. It was his mother!   
"MUMMY!" he cried.   
"Oh Tommy! I'm so proud of you! Upholding the family tradition of murdering innocent people just because they aren't like you! You're on the right track to becoming just like your German cousin, Adolf! But right now, you are disgracing the entire line. Sobbing just because you can't kill the "Boy who Lived". The relatives down in Hades are concerned... well not really. But they are talking about the prospect of you asking the Big Guy for a clean soul, because you're taking away all your pride by admitting that you are just a simpleton when compared to that Potter kid. So in the words of Olivia Newton John, 'you better shape up'!"   
Harry was slightly unsettled by this incident.   
"Wait. Last year, only dead people who he KILLED came out of his wand. Which means, Moldy Voldy Man killed his own mother?"   
Mrs. Riddle said, "Well of course he did! I never really died after giving birth to him. I just lied and went back to live with my retard of a husband, Tom, (really, he thought a witch couldn't manipulate him) and his parents. I knew that those stupid muggles would NEVER help me make my little Tommy evil enough. So I faked my own death. Some other muggles put him in a ritzy orphanage. I realized that this just wouldn't do, and took a polyjuice potion to assume the likeness of a nun. I said that this boy was worth nothing and should be put in the worst possible home for him. So dear Tommy grew bitter towards muggles, just as all us Slytherins do, and went off to Hogwarts. I planted some books that explained his true lineage, and then, when he was 16, he opened the Chamber of Secrets. The real purpose of that building was not to store the monstrous creature that would eradicate Hogwarts of all mudbloods, but as a bachelor pad for my late Grandpa Salazar. But alas! I am going off the topic. So Tommy killed a mudblood, framed the rather large man with the pink blouse on, became Head Boy, and then plotted to kill off his 'uncaring' muggle relations in Little Hangleton. He thought I was his Grandmother Riddle, so he offed me as well. Honestly Tommy, do I really look that old? How could you make that mistake? Oh well! And you know the story after that… my ickle Tommykins gains more and more power, and is just inches away from taking over the world when a certain little myopic brat ruins his powers. He tries numerous ways to gain his strength back, and ends up in one crazy fan fiction after another. But in this particular one, the idiotic, a muggle no doubt, (please don't be offended dearest _Savage_! Voldy's Mother is severely unhinged) writer has my Schnooglepudding crying over you, Harry. So in a last ditch effort to save our reputation, I was sent back to Earth"   
"Oh. Ok," said Harry, in an attempt to sound smart. Ron obviously felt the same way as he whispered to him, "Did you get any of that?"

"Nope." Harry whispered back, "Do you think she'll give us muffins?"   
"AHA!!" said Hermione, appearing out of nowhere, "YOU WERE THE ONE THAT STOLE MY FRYING PANS!!" she said, addressing Moldy Voldie's mom.   
"Well they're MY frying pans now!!" Moldy Voldie's mom answered.   
"GIVE BACK THE PANS OR YOU WILL DIE!!"   
"I'm already dead! And why should I give them back anyways?"   
"Because their mine. My own... my _precious_..."   
"You see son, this is what I'm talking about! Why can't you be more like the phycopathic nerdy girl?" Voldie's mom said turning back to him.

"Their making fun of me!" Voldie sobbed pointing to Harry and Ron who were sniggering at the thought of Voldie being called "Schnooglepudding".

"Don't let them make fun of you!" Moldy Voldie's dear mother screamed. "They are nothing – only a wizard with 3/4 pure blood and his excruciatingly poor friend! Kill them!"   
  
But Moldy Voldie kept sobbing- after all, he only wanted to be accepted- so his ghost mummy shrieked, "Then I'll do it myself!" She grabbed her only son's wand, pointed it at Harry and yelled, "A-"   
  
But before she could finish, Sir Nicholas De mimsy Porpington's head crashed into the wand and knocked it out of her hand. A moment later, as Harry and Ron stared in wonder, Nick's body came floating into view.   
  
"How'd you do that?" Ron asked, bewildered.   
  
"I asked Hagrid for help to get into the Headless Hunt," Nick began. "Since he learned so many fancy things at Oxford, he knew just what to do. Before I knew it, I was truly headless." He beamed proudly.   
  
"That's-er-great!" Harry said. "Thanks for saving us."   
  
"Don't mention it," the kind ghost replied. "Except maybe to the guy who runs the Headless Hunt (I can't remember his name)...he might be impressed."   
  
"Sure," Harry said as Hermione attacked Moldy Voldie's ghostly mum (who was still in shock at having her wand knocked out of her hand by a ghostly head) trying to get her frying pans back... just then, two small men with extremely large hairy feet tumbled out of the hedge, followed by a giant bloodshot eye. "Frodo!" Legolas shouted. Well, tried to shout - he was still gagged, remember?

"Legolas!" Frodo cried, attempting to run and free his friend, but Sam's hand on his arm stopped him.   
  
"Mr. Frodo, I don't think you should just go running into all them people. They could be dangerous," he said seriously, glaring at them all.   
  
Moldy Voldie's mother's ghost giggled. "I know who you are! My dear friend J.R.R. told me all about you! You're Samwise Gamgee."   
  
Sam turned a bit red. "Well, yes, m'am, I am."   
  
In a little girl voice, she went on, "I've always thought you were the cute one, so much braver than silly old Rolo."   
  
"Frodo, m'am," Sam replied, but he was smiling back. Before anyone knew what was happening, Sam and Moldy Voldie's mumsie's ghost had leapt behind the nearest bush.   
  
"Let's make a run for it," Moldy Voldie said pleadingly. "I can't face her again."

But Frodo was about to burst into tears. "No!" he sniffed, blue eyes full to overflowing. "I can't leave Sam, not even if he does this to me! We swore forever and ever that we would be true to each other and never snog anyone else!"   
  
"TMI!" Hermione said, making a face as if she were about to start burping up slugs.   
  
"TMI?" Harry asked.   
  
"Yeah, didn't you know?" Ron asked, once again reading his book. "Seems it's popular now for us to know computer slang and such. She means 'too much information.' As in, she could have gone her whole life without knowing Sam and Frodo had a special relationship recognized only in Vermont."

As everyone was pondering over what this "special" relationship was, Dean Thomas popped out the shrubbery with large pink lipstick marks on his face and started to bellow in a perfect New York accent, "SOCCER IS BETTER THAN QUIDDITCH!"   
Seamus Finnigan, Dean's "special" friend, leaped out of the same bush clad in a pink tube top, leather mini skirt, and fishnet tights. "Oh Deanie,' he giggled in a Southern Georgia drawl, "we all know how you feel about sports!" Seamus then proceeded to drag "Deanie" back into the bush, where some controversial noises were made.   
Ron and Harry had looks of utmost horror on their faces.   
Ron was able to express his feelings in words, "Th… They're…THEY'RE AMERICAN! NOOO!   
Just then, Lily Rose Daisy Geranium Chrysanthemum Marie Evans Potter Lupin (I've read one to many L+ J fics where Lily has the most bizzare middle names, so mwahaha!) shot through the air in a cannon while speaking with Darth Vader's signature wheeze, "Harry, ::shaaw:: I am your mother. ::shaaw::"   
"Uhh, I already knew that," replied Harry. But what Harry didn't know was that wasn't really Lily :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::, it was Nicole Kidman rehearsing for her role in Moulin Rouge 2: Harry P. Meets Star Wars, Which Meets a Lot of Pop Hits from the 80's and 90's.

"Well?" The cast rounded on Narda, who for some reason was still with them.   
  
She shrugged. "I've not seen Moulon Rouge, for one thing - heck, I can't even spell it - and for another, I don't listen to music that's from later than like the 70s!"   
  
Out of now where a big thing came hurtling towards them and it hit Ron.

"Ahh! Get it off, get it off!" Ron screamed, waving his arm wildly where the niffler had attached itself to his watch. "Ahhh!"

...but little did they know that it was an evil niffler working for the Dark Lord Dobby and was sent by the Dark Lord Dobby to kill Harry Potter so the Dark Lord Dobby wouldn't have to do it himself and so that the Dark Lord Dobby could stay home and watch the super bowl.   
"I'll bet that this "Dark Lord Dobby" they keep mentioning sounds like he wants us all dead for a ludicrous reason, is going to throw us into a pit of angry monkeys and has a over-sized Ego." Rupert said, "Who wants pizza?"   
Everyone agreed to this, even Moldy Voldie's mom and they all left Ron alone there and totally forgot that he was being devoured by an evil niffler.

Except, with all the complaints going on about how this is a little kids' site too, Ron didn't die; he was, um, shall we say . . . put back together in the gullet of the man-eating niffler and, well, expelled from the other end, much like a dwarf eating clay in a tunnel, but then Ron - looking a bit pale - shouts, "Hey, you! There are HP-LOTR fics, and maybe even HP-Moulin Rouge fics, if you can spell that, but absolutely _no_ HP-Artemis Fowl fics!"   
  
Well, ex-_cuse_ me for writing!

But I, as the omnipotent narrator, decide that a HP-Jane Eyre ff would be more to my taste (no kidding, I have actually read one of these...) So I sent Ron hurtling into the world of poor downtrodden Jane Eyre, since I can do whatever I want in this story.   
  
Poor Ron was deposited outside of Thornfield where a very plain girl, only a bit older than him, came upon him.   
  
"My goodness!" plain Jane exclaimed. "What do we have here? A poor orphan like I once was- long ago when I was locked away in the red room and then shipped to Lowood? I must take you in!"   
  
And before Ron could explain that Harry was the orphan, not him, he was escorted into the manor and brought before the man of the house, Mr. Rochester.   
  
"Jane, my darling," the older, ugly man said lovingly. "Who is this you bring before me? You have such a good heart, can't you teach me to be more like you?"

And since there is not just one omni-potent narrator, and I happen to be one, and because within the confines of this post I can do whatever I want, and since I have no idea who Jane Eeyrie is, Suddenly Jane turned into a walrus and squashed the old guy and Ron got transported back to the others because his pants were a portkey. All the others were eating pizza (execpt Legolas because he was all tied up if you remember) and drinking soda pop.   
"Can I have some pizza?" Ron asked.

And, sick of seeing him trussed up like that, Narda untied her boyfirend - er, elf-friend - and decided to make another attempt at the Artemis Fowl-HP fic thing. Out of the bushes - please, don't ask what they were doing in there - walked a centaur wearing tin foil on his head and a rather large, scary-looking man who may as well have been a transplant from MIB. Except he was Butler, and he wasn't looking very happy.   
  
"Where's Artemis?" he snapped, looking around from behind his mirrored sunglasses.   
  
Narda rolled her eyes. "Like I'd know? If I had a third personality, I'd be able to tell you exactly where he was and how good a kisser he is, but there's only two, remember? Rhea and Sean, Narda and Legolas . . . "   
  
"Oh, shut up," the centaur - named Foaly - whinnied, stiffing a gag in her mouth and securing it with duct tape. He then looked around expectantly. "Well? What's next?"

"DUCT TAPE!!!" screamed Gwen, appearing out of yet another bush, "I WANT SOME DUCT TAPE!!!"   
Foaly gagged her as well. She seemed satisfied and began searching the bushes for other authors.

"Right," Foaly continued, rather stunned by the appearance of Gwen.   
"So yes, what's next? Where will we find the hobbits?" asked Legolas expectantly, nearly hopping up and down on one of his feet in anticipation.   
"Hobbits??" asked Benjamin whom Gwen had found hiding in the bushes.   
Gwen explained, "Sweetheart, maybe you need some duct tape so you can keep your mouth shut."   
"COOL! DUCT TAPE!" shouted Ben, as he and Gwen had the same odd fascination with duct tape. He and Gwen took the duct tape from Foaly and started putting it all over their clothes.   
"Ummm, okay..." Narda said, watching the weird ritualistic ceremony.

"Is this some Mud Man thing?" Foaly asked, watching with morbid fascination.   
  
"Beats me," Narda muttered back, "but at least I don't war a tin foil cap to keep the Mud Men from reading my mind."   
  
"Didn't he ditch that in the second book?" asked Hermione who, of course, had read them. Hermione reads everything.   
  
"I suppose he did," Butler muttered, still a bit anxious as Artemis was no where in sight. And an anxious seven-foot tall man with fingers the size of sausages would have been funny, had he not also had various weapons strapped under the jacket of his designer suit.   
  
Narda shrugged. "I told you, it beats me. Maybe one of them can help you." She gestured to the faceless people who are only reading this story and have not yet contributed.   
  
"Well?" Butler demanded, looking menacing. "Can you?"   
  
So then Artemis arived in a plasma shuttle with this elf who looked a lot like Holly, a main character from the Artemis Fowl books, but was really Kelpy.   
  
"Who are these people, Kelpy?" he asked suspiciously, pointing to everyone except the centaur,(who was basically in charge of a police force called the LEP, which both Holly and Kelpy worked for) and Butler, his butler and bodyguard.   
  
"Them?" Kelpy grinned mischievously. "Just some characters from two fantasy books I really like-and some deranged fanfiction authors."   
  
"Oh, I see." Artemis nodded. "And where exactly are we?"   
  
"Well, to escape from the goblin militia unit that's chasing us, I hooked up the shuttle's motherboard with a dimension converter-and since we were already in a fictional dimension, I figured a good dimension to go to would be...the Harry Potter fanfiction dimension."   
  
"Kelpy, did you even consider the hazards?" Artemis asked with a small groan. "Do you know what being in the fanfiction dimension can do to you?"   
  
"Indeed," Kelpy sighed. "It can cause you to be possessed by a Mary/Gary Sue, to act completely out of character, and be placed in completely impossible situations. That's why, even if the goblins have a dimension converter, it won't have this dimension on it! And there are safe places here."   
  
"Safe places?" Artemis asked incredulously. "Like what?"

  
"LIKE THESE BUSHES!!!!" screamed Gwen and Ben who had just jumped out from behind some bushes.   
"Well, you could hide in there...usually they're used for...ummm...other purposes, though," said Narda, grinning at Legolas.   
"Yea, like HIDING HOBBITS!" yelled Legolas.   
"Riiiiiight," said everyone besides him, watching in awe as he jumped around in a circle with his bow and arrow out, looking for "orcs".

But suddenly Moldy Voldie' mom threw a giant cereal box fell towards Ron before he could take the pizza when no-one was looking. It fell directly on Ron and he was stuck in it and ran around screaming, "AAAAHHHHH!!!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!! 


	5. www dot FanFiction dot Ent

Non-writers please note that 80% of this was already written before Order of the Phoenix came out

-------------------------

Butler stared at Ron in awe of this sudden bout of fanfiction-ish out of character-ism, then shot the cereal box clean off his head with his favorite sniper pistol.   
  
"Hmm, since this is a fanfiction," Butler mused, "And everyone seems to act out of charcter in fanfictions, maybe I should fall hopelessly in love with someone...hey, maybe a guy! That would never happen in the actual Artemis Fowl books, so it must be CREATIVE!"   
  
"Butler, desist at once!" Artemis demanded, his fists clenched threateningly. The he turned to Kelpy with an angry expression on his face.   
"You see, it has begun already! Your creative little idea is going to lose me my bodyguard!"   
  
Kelpy hung her head shamefacedly. "Yeah, the fanfiction crossover thing never works, does it? But as I said, there are safe places...like my fanfiction."   
  
"Your fanfiction?" everyone asked incredulously. "You have a...?"   
  
"Oh yes...please view the signature lines. Everyone in the fanfiction either has their own fic or is a frequent reader of them-it's like having a house! A lot of them aren't very well protected against the sins and temptations of the fanfiction dimension, but mine is...most of the time. There are a few leaks, but at least you won't start acting out of character..."   
  
Artemis nodded, his face puckered in a scowl of thought. "I understand, Kelpy, but we really can't...the Artemis Fowl characters would completely mess up your fanfiction, throw everything out of whack...It would be best if we just went into some other dimension...any suggestions?" he asked the general audience. 

But the general audience didn't answer because they were enthralled by the fight between Hermione and Moldie Voldie's Mom when suddenly there was a shout. "I HAVE COME TO DESTROY YOU ALL!!!! FEAR ME!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!" The Dark Lord Dobby had returned.

 "I have come to avenge the death of my particularly horrible, mustard colored sock!" squeaked the Dark Lord Dobby, in what was supposed to be a menacing voice. He came with the most dangerous weapons of the universe, with his flock of Cornish Pixies and a peculiar object that only the Muggle oriented members of the group knew of: a television. Currently on this television was an episode of The Simpson's.   
"Oooh!" shrieked Daniel and Artemis in unison. "Wait, you like the Simpson's too?" again, they answered simultaneously. "Jinx!"   
"The Simpson's is my favorite show. I admire the way Monty Burn's is always plotting to take over the world with some devious scheme," said Artemis. "I've never told anyone this, but he's always been my idol. Not my nincompoop of a father. That blasted author, Eoin Colfer, only wrote it that way so people would actually read his books past the first page, instead of turning on the tele It's like Slim Fast, they get you hooked…."   
Daniel shifted uncomfortably in his seat before responding with, "Really? I never would've guessed. Of course you can kind of see the paleness you both have. Watching The Simpson's is my way of coming home after a hard day's work of being Harry Potter and unwinding. I mean, the guy always manages to get into the worst scrapes, and I have to portray him in his stupid, life story. Oww!" (Daniel sustained numerous blows to the head from the Harry Potter Fan Club members, i.e. Ginny and Colin.)   
"Well… I'm not ashamed to admit it, but all those hours I spend "researching" are really devoted to all things Harry Potter related: rumours (he's Irish), countdowns for the movie and books, and the fan fics! Oh the glorious fan fics! I've even started one my own, it's called Afraid to Love: A Harry + Cho + Malfoy Story. It seems to be doing well as I have two devoted readers. Of course, it's only Butler and his sister Julia... Did I just say that out loud?"

"Oh, I read it, too, Arty!" Narda piped up. "I'm just too shy to respond."   
  
Legolas stopped jumping around with his bow and arrow to give her a look. "I thought you only read _my_ work," he pouted.   
  
Narda winced. "Oops. Forget I said anything."

Ron tried to conceal his mirth, but it did not escape Legolas.   
  
"What do you find so amusing, red headed lad?" With this question came a look so menacing it would have caused lesser men to faint.   
  
But Ron was no ordinary man, so immune to the elf's stare, he giggled, "What does an elf write fanfiction about?"   
  
Without changing his expression, Legolas replied, "How would you like it if I showed you?"   
  
Before Ron knew what was happening, the scene around him and all the people in it, from Harry to Rupert to Frodo melted away. He looked warily around him and realized what must have happened. Legolas had trapped Ron into the elf's own fanfiction.

Ron was standing in the middle of a beautiful green field spotted with daisies. Legolas was in the background, skipping happily hand in hand with what looked suspiciously like Daniel Radcliffe.

"I sincerely hope this is from before you met me," Narda called loudly.   
  
Ron whirled. "Woah. You followed me? Anyone else come along, too?"   
  
"No. Just me. And I have a bone to pick with that man. Elf." She crossed her arms as Legolas and - yep, it was Dan - skipped closer. "He has a lot of explaining to do."

Legolas pulled at the collar of his shirt. "I, uh, thought he was you?"   
  
Narda rolled her eyes. "All right, keeping in fic form, I'll let the author - describe me so you can make the comparison." Oh, and I'll be nice.   
  
Narda has long red hair and bright, crystal-clear green eyes, and a full figure (ie, she ain't skinny, but ain't fat) and -   
  
"All right, enough already!" Legolas interrupted, looking ticked. "I'm her to show Ron my fic, all right? Not to get chewed out by some mortal. Sheesh, after Arwen and Aragorn, they all think it'll happen to them."   
  
Narda slapped him.

Well, since he was being completely ignored by everyone except Kate (another author), Dark Lord Dobby decided to travel to Legolas's...um..._fanfiction_. Taking his army of Cornish Pixies and his television (AHHHH!! EVIL!) with him, Dobby was gone with a loud crack. Well, almost in a crack, because he was delayed by Daniel and Artemis (whom I know nothing about), who were intent on watching all of the Simpsons' seasons on DVD.   
  
When he arrived, Legolas was looking very frightened as he stared at his girlfriend, who had just slapped him.   
  
And somehow, a boy who looked suspiciously like Daniel, had gotten there too. Dark Lord Dobby remembered Daniel arguing with him though. Hmmm...how strange? Anyways, Dobby remembered his purpose(cue suspenseful music).   
  
"WHO HAS KILLED MY BELOVED SOCK??!! WHO?!" he shrilly said, which was obvious to everyone that this was an expression of extreme fury. Then he turned to Legolas, who had a very red handmark on his perfectly smooth cheek (heehee). "AND YOU, SIR, YOU IS A DISGRACE OF A HOUSE-ELF!! AND THAT IS SOMETHING, SIR, BECAUSE I AM A DISGRACED HOUSE-ELF!" Dark Lord Dobby screamed.   
  
Eyeing Narda cautiously, Legolas said, "B-but I'm not-not a house-elf."   
  
"Sure you is, sir...." the Evil Dobby said. Turning to the boy who looked suspiciously like Danny R. he said, "And you, sir, you gave Dobby his sock, which you knew was sickly, sir!"   
  
The boy looked wildly around at the other people in Legolas's ff, for answers. But Dark Lord Dobby gave a war call, and opened the Cornish Pixies' cage door. Kate immediately disappeaed, hoping another author would take her place so she wouldn't be murdered by extremely violent pixies.

"I will save you, fair Narda!" Legolas shouted, crouching low and notching an arrow to his bow.   
  
Artemis, cramming a fistful of crackers in his mouth, barked a laugh. "An arrow against Cornish Pixies?"   
  
"And you're a bit late with the 'fair Narda' thing," Narda said resentfully, crossing her arms. "I mean, honestly . . . you obviously think Danny here has something I don't."   
  
"Yeah, a sense of humor," Legolas whispered. "Ow!" Narda had slapped him again, this time giving him a matching mark on his other cheek. "Hey, you're ruining my perfect looks!" he complained.   
  
"No; you still have your hamburger buns of steel and those wonderful ears," Dan said soothingly. "Wait, did I just say he had nice hamburger buns?"   
  
"Yep," Ron confirmed.   
  
Dan turned a bright shade of red. "Hey, will somebody else please take over? I don't think the pixies could be worse than this . . . "

After Narda slapped him a second time, and the attack of the Dark Lord Dobby (oddly enough I was just thinking earlier today how Dobby and Legolas were both elves, but VERY different...) and his army of cornish pixies was advancing, Legolas put down his bow and stood up straight.   
  
"What are you doing?" Narda screamed. "You have to save fair Narda from the pixies!"   
  
"This is my fanfiction," the elf said, seeming very stately. "And I just realized I don't have to let other authors come in here and mess with it." He coughed in a way that sounded suspiciously like "Kate and Narda," but quickly continued. "And in my fanfiction there is no Dark Lord Dobby, or cornish pixies."   
  
To everyone's amazment, especially the Dark Lord Dobby's, the house elf and his pest army disappeared instantly. Legolas smiled, feeling the power of the pen really was mightier than the power of the bow.   
  
"And there is no Harry Potter or Artemis Fowl," he said, as they disappeared. "Only me and the subject of my fanfiction _________________"

Except that was where Narda cut him off. "I'm in this fic, correct?"   
  
"Uh - of course." Legolas looked like he was walking on hot coals.   
  
"Then you have to listen to what I want too, correct?" She innocently twirled a lock of hair.   
  
"Well - yes, uh, dear."   
  
Narda nodded. "Right. Call Artemis and all the Harry Potter characters back. Besides, leave them out and they kick you off the boards."   
  
"And Artemis?" Legolas asked meekly.   
  
Narda shrugged. "He's funny. Oh, and any authors that want to come. We want a real party."   
  
"Of course we do," a thoroughly defeated elf said, snapping his fingers and bringing us back to five minutes ago, minus the pixies and Dobby." Anything else, meine Fruererin? Er, Narda?"   
  
"Just the authors," she said, sounding satisfied. "Consider this an open invitation."

As our beloved characters popped back into Legolas' fanfiction, Ron smirked at the elf. Elbowing Harry, Ron whispered something to him that made both of them fall to the ground laughing.   
  
Legolas tried to remain aloof and ignore the immature doings of some 14 year old wizards, but his curiosity got the better of him. "What is so funny?" he demanded.   
  
Ron looked at Harry. Harry shrugged, so Ron said, "You are one whipped elf."   
  
Not exactly sure what the slang meant, Legolas could still tell a negative connotation when he heard one. So he drew his bow.   
  
"Now, Ronnikins," a very pregnant Hermione said sweetly (she is still pregnant, right?). "Just because Legolas does what his girlfriend asks doesn't make him 'whipped', does it?" She smiled at him.   
  
Ron blushed. "Of course not-just a joke, dear-never would imply that-" He was interrupted by loud laughter from every other male character in the fanfiction (no one was sure exactly which ones were present). The girls, on the other hand, were looking dreamily at Ron and Hermione, each wishing they could have a relationship like that, not minding that it was slightly marred by Hermione's affair with the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM.

Sophia (Gwen's alter-ego) appeared with a poof and then proceeded to walk to each of the male characters present and slap each of them. "There is nothing wrong with being what you call 'whipped'. I think it is extremely great and non-stereotypical that Legolas listens and obeys Narda. She is a smart, talented, demanding young woman and deserves every one of your respect. You should all be ASHAMED of yourselves for adhering to the sexism that is today's society."   
She looked extremely proud of herself as the male characters present looked at their feet and turned red. "Hmmph. That's what I THOUGHT." Sophia muttered to Gwen as she popped back into Gwen's head.

And then everything went very silent, the light became slightly eerie, and the familiar-but-almost-forgotten Canadian voice of cherrychill boomed from out of the clouds:   
  
"What have you done to my spoof, ignorant mortals?! At first the antics were funny, and you brought up a lot of the flaws in fanfiction, but this is just ridiculous!"   
  
Everyone blinked at the voice oddly.   
  
"Since when are fanfiction authors omnipotent?" Artemis asked incredulously.   
  
"Don't underestimate the power of a keyboard and an obsession with writing, mortal," Legolas warned him, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "In your fanfiction, you are all-powerful."   
  
"Which, in certain cases, is a bad thing," Kelpy grumbled under her breath. "What kind of elf writes fanfiction?" she spat out loud at Legolas. "You're a poor excuse for a Greenleaf, you know that?"   
  
The dangerous glint in Leggy's eyes became an expression of pure rage as he put an arrow to his bow.   
  
"I challenge you to say that again, mortal."   
  
Kelpy lifted her chin arrogantly. "I'm no mortal, oh great snotty elf of middle earth," she informed him briskly, "And I will not say that again. You should have learned from the Ents that words are precious, oh wise wood-elf." A disgusted sneer spread across her face. "You know what you deserve?"   
  
;"What?" Legolas asked dangerously, his bow still drawn.   
  
Kelpy snapped her fingers and smiled evilly as Lucius Malfoy appeared in the grassy field. "This."   
  
Lucius smoothed out his long blonde hair and turned towards Greenleaf.   
  
"Legolas, I am your father," he drawled, staring intently into his son's sharp eyes. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Draco Malfoy, miles away, somehow obtained a form of the Marauders' Map. This particular showed anyone invisible or not, where ever the reader requested.   
  
At this moment Draco Malfoy had requested to see the land of Leggy's fanfic for some _very_ peculiar reason.   
  
Having seen a dot labeled Lucius Malfoy, Draco became even more interested in the scene than he already was, if that was possible. This map also showed the words of those speaking, because I, the almighty ff author, who manipulates everyone and everything like they are her puppets, says it does. "I am your father." flashed across the map.   
  
Malfoy sat stunned for a few moments, taking deep steadying breaths. But of course, his subconscence, which is me, got the better of him.   
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" he screamed, much like Luke did in Star Wars (I have little brothers, get it?). The fact that the object of his obsession for many years, Legolas, the perfectly constructed elf, was his brother. Either that, or Draco was adopted, or his mother had an affair.

************************************

Narda blinked. "All right, I was going to thank whoever it was that made some comment about how good Legolas - not Leggy, please; that's my pet name for him - was to obey me, but now I just have one thing to say: how did a wizard father an elf?"   
  
"It's a fanfic, remember? Code 32A, subsection C allows anything to happen," Ron pointed out, ducking as if he expected her to punch him any minute.   
  
"So I'm looking at Lucius as a prospective father-in-law?" Narda clarified.   
  
"Wait - you're not really my father, are you?" Legolas asked.   
  
"Well, it says so in the script . . ."   
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas fell to his knees. "I'm not a prince! Good-bye, GAP discounts! Good-bye, Mabelline free handouts! Good-bye, Pantine ProV commercial offers! I'm - I'm - a peasant!"

Suddenly the sky darkened, a bunch of trees sprang up out of nowhere and a bunch of Ents came marching towards them.   
"You!" One of them said pointing a Legolas, "Elf man! We got a bone to pick with you!"   
"Can you please come back tomorrow? Can't you see I'm mourning?" Legolas sobbed   
"THIS IS OUR FANFICTION!! WE GO AWAY FOR JUST A WEEK AND YOU COME IN AND START MESSING WITH OUR THREAD!! LEAVE NOW UNLESS YOU WISH TO FEEL THE WRATH OF THE ENTS!!"   
Legolas, got up and took out his bow and arrow, "I'm not scared of you tree freaks." He said coolly.   
"Tree freaks? You gonna pay for dat Elf man!"   
Lightning flashed overhead, and it started to rain. "WE GONNA GET DA BIG BOSS TO TEACH YOU A LESSON ELF MAN!!" The Ents bellowed   
"The big boss? And whom, might that be?"   
Suddenly out of the shadows someone appeared.   
"SON!" Moldie Voldie's Mom exclaimed   
"Why is Moldy Voldie here?" Ron asked   
"I'm not Moldy Voldie!" the stranger said, "How could you possibly mistake for that poor excuse for a necromancer? I am MOLDY GOLDY!! Elf man! You goin DOOOOOOOWN!!"   
(here it should be mentioned that Ron sniggered even harder at the thought of Ent fanfiction)

"You don't talk to him that way!" Narda snarled, rolling up her sleeves.   
  
"Aw, how cute!" Moldy Goldy said in mock, uh, seriousness, I suppose. "His girlfriend is doing the fighting for him!"   
  
"Come closer and say that," Narda said in a voice that was dangerously soft."   
  
"Hey, no one orders me around!" Moldy Goldy said. "Not even Voldy, and he's older than I am!"   
  
"Chicken!" And Narda started clucking.   
  
Moldy Goldy was fuming. "All right, you asked for it!"   
  
Will Narda defeat Moldy Goldy? Will Legolas ever display an outward sign of being a man? Will this fic ever make sense? Tune in next time, when you'll hear Moldy Voldy/Goldy's Mom say . . .


	6. Insert chapter title

..."WE ARE THE THREE MUSKETEERS!!" Moldy Voldie/Goldy's Mom exclaimed hugging Ron and Hagrid.

"Eh, Moldie Voldie's Mom, gerroff!" Ron muttered, pushing Moldy fill-in-the-blank's mom away. "I'm supposed to have a crush on Hermione, remember?"   
  
"Yeah, but that was before the slippers incident," Harry said, looking quite pointedly at Hermione's stomach.   
  
"So? At least she's better than Fleur; that girl can't even speak perfect English."   
  
"But her nose is dead center," Harry said thoughtfully.   
  
"And she doesn't have acne," Ron continued.   
  
"Neither do I!" Hermione sputtered. "Remember the summer makeover deal? Yeah, so there!"   
  
Ron wrinkled his nose. "I think we need another author quick before this one gets me killed, don't you think?"

Suddenly, a high, cold laugh came down from the sky. "You want another author's ideas? Let's see how you like this one..." With a crack of thunder, Ron was stripped of his robes. (*The author tried to stifle a giggle, for she was trying to be evil.*) Everyone gasped, not at his magnificent body, but at the shorts that were covering it.   
  
"Your shorts," Harry sputtered. "They're moldy!"   
  
Ron's cute blush changed into the red face of rage. "Yes, that's right! I wear moldy shorts! And do you want to know why?" The madness in his eyes scared Hermione, so she remained still and silent.   
  
"I wear them as a sign of my connection to my brother, the Dark Lord Voldemort!" Grinning maliciously at the crowd's shocked faces, Ron nodded. "Yes, that's right. My dear mother whom everyone loves so much wasn't always so nice. To get back at my father, she slept with one of his Muggle friends, Tom Riddle."   
  
Hermione had recovered enough by this time to say, "Ron, we don't care who your family is. Put your robes back on and let's try to get back to school." She put a hand on his arm and smiled sweetly at him. For a moment, it looked as if Ron would yield to Hermione's suggestion, but instead he decided he wanted to serve his country by joining the military. "Hermione, he said, "it's high time I became a man. And the only way I know how to do that, besides working as the much-hated Hogwarts potions master, is to kick some terrorist butt!"   
"Oh Ronniekins! How will I ever survive without you? What if I 'accidentally' forget you?" exclaimed Hermione.   
"Well, I can give you this sock I stole from the Dark Lord Dobby as a memento. It's a little smelly, on account of the Dark One's little fungus problem..."   
"Oh Darling! It's wonderful! I'll treasure it for always. Just like my genius cat, Crookshanks."   
Suddenly, a ginger MALE cat appeared out of a bush that contained some very happy creatures. What were these creatures, you ask? A werewolf, a stag, and a large black dog that had a French maid costume on.   
"Harry," spoke the cat that was Crookshanks, "I have something to tell you. I'm the anamagi form of your mother. I've been alive all these years, but I couldn't tell you because I was too embarrassed about… well Harry, on the night Moldie Voldie supposedly killed us, I was given an operation to become who I really am, Lilbert. My sister Petunia never accepted me because of who I really am. She never accepted the fact that I should be a wizard."   
"Excuse me, er… Mrs…. no…um…. Mr. Potter, why'd you marry James then? And why have you been posing as my cat for the past 2 years?" asked Hermione.   
"Because James isn't really James. His real name is William Shakespeare. He happens to be a brilliant playwright. You really should rent the movie versions of his work. The readable stuff is much too complex for most people's minds. Plus, one of the Romeo and Juliet films has Leo Dicaprio in it! :::everyone swoons while saying 'Oh Leo'!::: And that black dog with the French maid costume is Napoleon Bonaparte. Oh! And the werewolf… well he really is Remus Lupin, but everyone else has been deceiving you your entire life, Harry, And the reason I've been Crookshanks, Hermione, is to gain access to Hogwarts' wonderful Taco Bell/Gas Station. You really should try their chicken quesadilla sometime. " said Lilbert.   
Harry, who had been sitting silently for quite some time, finally asked everyone's burning question, "Do you know the Aristocats?"

Currently the Ents and Legolas are having a big fight. (But we won't go into details) Ron got bashed on the head with a giant tree trunk and fainted, Hermione screamed as a horde of killer bees attacked everyone while Moldy Goldy started doing the chicken dance around a stump. In other words: Complete chaos.   
"OK!!! THAT'S ENOUGH!! I have come."   
"Who are you?" Everyone asked   
"Just as 73.6884% of authors do, I have written myself in." said _Savage.  
_Savage_ snapped his fingers and the surroundings changed. They were no longer in the Ent's ff, and no killer bees were attacking. They were on a tropical island. However, Legolas and Narda were not with them and everyone supposed they were back in the Ent's fanfic. Suddenly someone appeared out of the shadows...(people seem to do that alot in this fanfic don't they?)_

"RON!!! LIKE OH MY GOSH I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!" shouted a blonde girl with pigtails and a t-shirt that said "Kiss me, I'm Ron's Psycho Stalker!"   
"Uhhhhh..." Ron began.   
"OMG I JUST LOVED YOU SOOOO MUCH IN THE FIRST MOVIE!? YOU ARE JUST SOOO SEXY...I WANNA HAVE YOU LOVE CHILD!!! LET ME KISS YOU!!!" she screamed as she began running towards Ron.   
Gwen clothes-lined the teenybopper on Sophia's orders and then popped back into her head.   
Everyone was staring at Sophia. "Why'd Gwen clothes-line her?" Ron asked, as he definitely liked the attention.   
"Because she was trying to take my man!" Sophia replied as she glided over to Ron and took him behind a bush.   
Everyone exchanged a knowing glance except for poor _Savage_, but nobody felt like explaining the importance of the bushes in this fan fiction again.   
All at once several noises came from the horizon...

One of which was the sound of Kelpy's head banging repeatedly against a large math textbook.   
  
_thwap__...thwap...thwap..._.   
  
"Augh," She agonized, falling to her knees. "Why the mindless snogging? Why? Why? Why?"   
  
But, realizing that everyone was staring at her oddly, Keply composed herself, and snapped her fingers. She disappeared, and at the same time Narda came floating down from the mountains in a small, oddly shaped vehicle made out of lines of light which was known as a glyph, such as are found on the archipelago of the Abarat. In her hands rested a long golden sword encrusted with enormous red jewels.   
  
"Harry, I'm here to bring you your sword," Narda called, stepping gracefully out of the glyph.   
  
Nobody looked even mildly surprised because this usually happens eventually in Harry Potter fanfiction. The heir of Gryffindor gimmick had long ago lost its interest.   
  
"Harry?" Narda asked, searching through the bushes frantically with the sword slung awkwardly through a belt loop.   
"Where is he?"   
  
Everyone joined the search worriedly, wondering whether the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM could possibly have abducted him without their notice. It was always possible, especially in fanfiction, where the rules don't matter and the plot doesn't exist.   
  
It is at this dramatic, anxious point that I will leave you...

But no, it wasn't the Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM, it was the very annoying Psycho-fan, which we will call, like, Alexis, like, totally!   
  
After being gated from Ron, she decided that Harry would do. Of course we all know that it was because his messy black hair gives him a rugged look, which those American Psycho-fans adore!   
  
So anyway, she had sidetracked around the group, and clung desperately to Harry. Since bushes always seem to pop up when us fanfiction writers want them to, like, Alexis, like, dragged Harry to the nearest one.   
  
After deciding that Harry would probably be a good replacement for Ron as the father of her child, she pushed him in and dived into the greenery as well. With a thud they landed on two figures dressed in what suspiciously looked like French maid costumes. "Like, EW!!" she exclaimed and pulled Harry out, who was utterly helpless in the hands of the Psycho-fan.   
  
"It was YOU! The Psycho-fan!" gasped Gwen.   
"I have, like, a name-uh! It's like, Alexis! I mean, like, DUH! Oh my gawd, RONNIE!" She charged toward Ron, but the still quite pregnant Hermoine made him cleverly disappear and reappear at her side, while shouting, "You can't do that on the Hogwarts grounds!" at the same time.   
"But Hermione, we're not on the Hogwarts grounds, we're in my fanfic, remember?" Said Legolas, still fearing Narda's wrath.  
But Hermoine's face had gone rigid. She managed to squeak, "It's happening!"

The Ents gasped, "You mean... You mean... YOUR GOING TO HAVE THE BABY??!! RIGHT HERE?! IN OUR FANFICTION??!! THIS IS CURRENTLY A "G RATED" FANFICTION AND IF YOU DO THAT WE COULD GET KICKED OF THE BOARDS FOR EXPLICIT POSTING!!!"   
"No, I didn't mean that, my gormet steak dinner is ready." Hermione replied

"It is too my fanfiction!" Legolas cried indignantly. "The Ents are simply controlling you with their mind powers!"   
  
But Ron had something else on his mind. "Hey, _Savage? How have we managed to maintain a PG rating with all that goes on in the bushes?"   
  
_Savage _looked clueless. "Bushes?"   
  
"You haven't seen the bushes? Green leafy things people keep disappearing into?"   
  
"Well, yeah . . . but what does that have to do with anything?" he asked innocently.   
  
Well, folks, I hope you know what this means . . .   
  
Hermione gasped. "Not a _PG-13_ rating!"   
  
"Well," Narda reasoned, "by age thirteen kids have some concept of . . . things . . . and we could manage a Hermione-disappears-and-comes-back-with-a-kid thing."   
  
"I'm thirteen. . .  At least I think so. . .  ," _Savage _piped up, but no one was listening.   
  
Hermione shrugged. "Whatever. But I'm hungry, so I'm going to go eat now, since my steak is done. Figure it out while I'm gone, will you?"_

While Hermione was gone, a rustling was heard coming from the direction of the bush filed. Even though he characters were used to bush-rustling by now, but decided that they would go check it out anyway. Lo and behold, a man with a shirt that had a large paragraph stating the reasons why being an executive producer was better than being a director on it, popped out.   
"Hello! I'm Chris Columbus. You may know me from such movies as Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of…."   
"WAIT!" shouted Hermione, running back into the room with a large steak in her grasp, "You're the guy who directed Home Alone! I LOVE THAT MOVIE!"   
"Well yes, I did direct that, but wouldn't you like to hear all about how I shaped your difficult and complex characters into Dan, Rupert, and Emma?"   
"Umm…" the original characters had to think about this. While they were thinking, Rupert decided to ask a question to his former director. No, it wasn't to ask if they were being recast because of the new Mexican dude director (- yes, I know his name is Alfonso Cuaron), it was to ask if Chris Columbus had seen "Ruppy's" poetry journal. He'd been writing a poem about the stunningly beautiful and talented author Sophia (Why thank you!) and it had suddenly disappeared. He tried to remember what it had said.   
  
"Your spiked hair   
makes my heart go wild,   
dreaming of your..."   
  
"POOP!" he exclaimed when he forgot the rest. Chris Columbus was terribly frightened so he decided to go back into the bush and rustle around some more when Chris realized the bush was not empty...

"Hey! GET OUT OF MY BUSH!" yelled Jennifer Lopez, exiting the shrubbery wearing only a sheet. "WHERE'S BEN?! HE'S THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED IN MY BUSH!"   
"Whoa, that sounds SO wrong!" said Sophia as she popped out of Gwen's head.   
"Go away, Sophia!" yelled Ron. Sophia sadly popped back into Gwen's head.   
Jennifer appeared very confused. "Where am I?!"

Everyone exchanged nervous glances. "Well-"  
  
THE END   
"What?" Ron exclaimed


	7. The Orange Seashells of Happiness

.  .  ." How could you end it there?" Addressing _Savage_ who looked utterly oblivious to everything that was going on.   
"Didn't you now by now Ron?" Hermione replied, "65.490876% of fanfiction writers tend to unpredictably and mysteriously end the story at the most unreasonable point without even tieing up all the loose ends.

Ron frowned. "But Hermione - didn't you know we've only figured those percentages to only three decimal places?"   
  
"So what?" she asked, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "Just because 85.236984% of fics happen to have me drop by about three hundred IQ points over the summer doesn't mean I have to in every one."   
  
"But Harry's always automatically buffed up and exceptionally hot in every fic," Legolas chimed in. "Uh . . .I mean, so I'm told."   
  
Narda was bored with hitting him. "Only in 98.567%," she said wearily.   
  
"98.566891203%," Hermione corrected smugly.

Someone came up to them in a car, got out and tapped Harry on the shoulder causing him to jump a little. "Hey! What is the meaning of this?" He demanded, "didn't you read the regulations?"   
It was Mrs. Figg. "Mrs. Figg? What are you doing here I thought you were a muggle!" But everyone knew Harry was faking being surprised because everyone knows by now that Mrs. Figg who was Harry's babysitter is the Arabella Figg mentioned in book four and in 76.598% of fanfics (76.5984356238956% Hermione corrected) Mrs. Figg is the DADA teacher. "Harry," Mrs. Figg said, "I am your father."   
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Wait how is that possible I thought James was my dad."   
"Its in the script Harry Just because it's in the script doesn't mean it's true. YOU DARE DEFY THE SCRIPT?!"   
They were interrupted by the sound of Hermione doing a backflip through the air right on top of poor Ron.   
"I thought you were just a mad old muggle lady!" Harry said in fake suprisedness   
"No Harry, I'm actually a witch (what a shocking revelation! No one was expecting _that_*sarcasm*) and I am not as 76.5984356238955% of fanfics seem to have happen, going to be the DADA teacher. I am actually the replacement for the Ronald Mcdonald idiot in those stupid commercials! It was my life long dream to go on TV and torture people with stupid red noses and face paint muahahahahahahahaha! Now I will take over televsion!!!" Mrs. Figg waved her wand and her pants turned MOLDY!   
"Spoof on fanfics regulation section 5 'all evil acts must be conducted whilst wearing moldy shorts or being in contact with some form of pink fluffyness'" Hermione staed matter-of-factly-   
And so Ron and Mrs. Figg banded together to the Moldy Mighty Muffins of Magnificence. Together, they created a top secret device known to outsiders only as O.S.o.H. Harry and Legolas had to join together to track the MMMMs down and discover what the OSoH was really for.   
  
After minutes and minutes of searching through the scary corners of Legolas' fanfiction (amidst angry cries from the Ents-"This is OUR fanfiction!!!"), they found Ron and Mrs. Figg where else, but behind a bush.   
  
Harry was a little scared to peek through the bush to see what was going on, but Legolas felt no sympathy for human embarrassment, so he plowed through. To Harry's surprise, each member of MMMM was holding an orange seashell.   
  
"What are those seashells for?" he asked Ron.   
  
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Ron said, sticking out his tongue.   
  
"Now, now, Ron," Mrs. Figg said in her best babysitter voice, "That isn't the way we talk to our friends."   
  
Ron pouted, but said, "They're Orange Seashells of Happiness."   
  
"Ahh," said Legolas, "The top secret OSoH project."

Ron continued, "They are used for two things:   
1. Secret   
2. To awaken the Evil Pink Fluffy Snitch of Doom!"   
"The what?" Everyone replied   
"Don't tell me you've never heard of the Evil Pink Snitch of Doom!" Mrs. Figg said exasperated, "Well looks like we'll have to explain it to you. I'm bad at explaining these sort of things. Ron?"   
"Don't look at me!"   
"Well since neither of us wants to explain it, the Big Boss'll have to."   
The two members of the MMMM disapeared and everyone was apprehensive. Suddenly they returned this time with someone else...   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hedwig! 

Hedwig was wearing a moldy owl sized vest with a badge that said "Member of MMMM".   
Here follows Hedwig's explanation of the Evil Pink Fluffy Snitch of Doom:   
  


"_A long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the Snitches of Power were created. Three were given to the founders of Hogwarts. Old Salazar missed out because he was in a bush at the time doing... other things shall we say? Seven were given to the Quidditch players. Nine were given to the fanfic authors. But they were all of them deceived. For, in an empty bush the Evil Pink Fluffy Salazar of Doom crafted a master snitch to rule all the others and filled it with his malice, cruelty, and evil pink fluffyness._

_One snitch to rule them ALL   
  
One by one, the last free places in the fanfciton world fell to the power of the One snitch. But there were some... who resisted. A last group of good wizards banded together and were known as the Order of the __Phoenix__. A great battle was fought against the deatheaters and other dominions of the Evil Pink Fluffy Salazar of Doom. Victory was near, but the power of the snitch could not be undone._

_It was in that moment, when all hope was failing when Neville Longbottom, son of the king, took up his father's frying pan and whacked the Evil Pink Fluffy Salazar of Doom over the head._"   
  
"Bunny slippers have heads?"   
  
"_The Snitch passed to Neville. And he had a chance to destroy evil once and for all... but the hearts of men are easily corrupted. The Snitch betrayed Neville. And for a certain amount of time, it lay forgotten. And some things that should not have been forgotten, were lost..._

...History became legend... legend became myth... and all was forgotten. But when chance came, the Snitch ensnared a new bearer. A creature named_ Savage._ (Not the writer) He took it deep into the heart of the message boards and there for a certain amount of time, it poisoned his mind.   
'Its mine, my own, my _chocolate_...'   
Darkness crept back into the Boards, rumor grew of a romance between two characters... and the Snitch of Power perceived... its time had come. It abandoned _Savage._ But something happened then, that the Snitch of Power did not intend. It was picked up, by the most unlikely person imaginable.

...a fanfic author, by the name of cherrychill18   
_'Lost! My chocolate is lost!'_   
For the time would soon come when chocolate would shape the fortunes of all...   
  
"What?" Asked _Savage_ who had a very short attention span and had been poking himself on the back of the head throughout the explanation."   
"In other words," Hedwig said, "HOOT!"

"That's all well and good, I suppose," Harry said suddenly. "But how does that bring happiness? I mean, they are the Orange Seashells of Happiness..."   
  
Ron slapped himself on the forehead. "How thick can you get? Obviously the first and secret function of the seashells is the key to all happiness!"   
  
"You don't look very happy, though," Hermione said matter of factly, though she was breathing hard.   
  
Mrs. Figg said, "That's because we haven't figured out what their first function is!"   
  
Hermione gasped, and everyone stared at her. "Don't tell me you didn't see that coming, Hermione?" Harry said, shaking his head sadly.   
  
"No, Harry," she wheezed. "It's not that, my water just broke."

Then Hermione's tummy popped open and out stepped a fully clothed baby! "Wow! Just like MAGIC!" yelled Legolas.   
"We didn't want the little children to realize how babies are really born," Gwen explained, "so we used our poetic license to have Herm's baby magically pop out of her stomach."   
Everyone watched in awe as Hermione's baby began to do a tapdance on the ground singing, "Hello my baby,hello my honey, hello, my ragtime gall. Send me a kiss by wire! Baby my heart's on fire! . . ." a la _Spaceballs__.___

"Oh, she's so beautiful!" Hermione sqeauled, marvelling at her tap-dancing infant,   
"She? How do you know it's a she?! It just popped out fully clothed!" shouted Ron.   
One of the Ents began, "Well, because in 78.372%-"   
"78.37249621%-" the happy mother interjected.   
"Er...right...Hermione's baby is a girl, no matter if it tap dances or not."   
And now all the characters (as well as fanfiction authors) should begin to oh and ah, because it is time for the wonderfully and very exact...*drum roll* ("Bloody hell," yelled Ron, "where did the drums come from?!")...the description of Hermione's baby!

_Hermione's baby was clothed in a beautiful lavender/ fuchsia gown, which was complete with tiny pink bunny slippers. She had super sleek ( this most likely came from all the Sleazky's Hair Straighter Potion that her mother had used during her pregnancy) auburn hair that changed colors in the sunlight. The most peculiar thing about this child, was the evil, glinting, malicious, red eyes that the bunny slippers she wore had. They could capture your attention and lure you into dangerous situations. This was what Voldemort's secret and final weapon had been in the plot to kill the Boy Who Lived, and actually it still was, but what happens when Evil and Good come together? ::coughs:: a really BAD show called Birds of Prey. Damn WB ruins a perfectly good Batman movie spin off thing ::coughs:: Will the baby of Hermione be good and save Harry's life, or will she be evil and destroy him? _  
  
"No!" cried Hermione, "She will be good because she and Snape are going to work together as Secret Agent -James Bond types to regain possession of my sacred frying pans!"   
  
What a SHOCKING revelation!

But suddenly Harry chose this moment to say, "Where's Moldy Voldie?"   
Everyone looked around, confused. It was true; they had not seen Moldy Voldie or the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom for quite awhile. Then, BEHOLD, a TV popped up in front of them out of now where.   
"What- but- but how?" Ron sputtered   
Mrs. Figg went up to it and pressed the "on" button.   
Everyone gasped.   
  
Mr. Rogers was currently on and Moldy Voldie was on the screen.

"Welcome to Moldy Voldie's Neighborhood!" Stated the announcer.

A few Fluffy Pink Dementors were drinking tea in the background. 

Scene one:

"Muahahahahaha my plan is working! Now that I'm going national, I will corrupt the minds of young children watching this show and make them my SLAVES!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- *cough* *cough* I mean um- " 

Scene two:

"It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood a wonderful day in the neighborhood- hey you! Yeah YOU! CAMERA BOY! THAT'S MY BURRITO! _AVADA__ KEDAVRA!"_

Ron called out, "A situation like this calls for the Orange Seashells of Happiness!"   
  
Mrs. Figg and Ron joined their seashells together and chanted the MMMM motto ("The Marvelous Mighty Muffins of Magnificence will never grow moldy!") and suddenly an aardvark appeared.   
  
"So that's what the OSoH do," Harry said thoughtfully. "That aardvark is the solution to all our problems."

That aardvark happened to be the very same one that is in all those annoying kid's shows. And the group seemed to know that they knew this particular aardvark quite well…   
  
  
  
  
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Anyone know what I'm getting at? ::_ said in aggravating Peeves voice::Someone's_ who we know is named Arthur…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just then, as the aardvark dropped in, the annoying theme music from that show featuring a _particular_ aardvark came on. The world of Legolas's fanfiction ("OUR FANFICTION!!" screamed the Ents.) became blurry. The people felt themselves being pulled through the depths of these very...erm...different fanfiction until they arrived on the Hogwarts grounds.   
  
Several of our frankly lovable characters landed in bushes, which emitted numerous squeals from French-maid costume clad fellows. Each of them, when landed, had uplifted expressions on their faces.   
  
Ron tumbled to his knees, raising his hands to the sky. "I AM HAPPY!!!"   
  
"Uh, Ron..." said Hermione.   
  
"NO! Stop! Do not interrupt my happy moment! The aardvark has saved me!"   
  
"The Orange Seashells of Happiness have saved us." cut in Mrs. Figg.

"NO!" screamed Harry. "I'm tired of you people always telling me what to think and what to say! I'm just about ready to go get out my own seashells, circa _Fahrenheit 451_, turn up some hard core 80's punk, ("Yeah!" said Dan) and ignore everything you people say!"   
"But Harry," said Hermione, in a creepy, I'm a mindless idiot voice that didn't suit her at all, "that book you just mentioned has _many_ things in common with our original series. The reasons extend beyond the OSoH, and go into the very basis of the book…"   
"Yeah!" said Ron in an attempt to sound smart, "The firemen have phoenix patches on their uniforms, so they're from the Order of the Evil Phoenixes, and they call their fire engines _Salamanders_, which we learned about in Care of Magical…"   
Ron never got a chance to finish his statement because the evil, censorship-loving, book-burning, radical zealots, who just so happen to be the Order of the Evil Phoenixes came into the fan fic and began shooting fire all over the place, setting several bushes and French maid costumes aflame before turning to the castle itself.   
  
Ron turned to Harry and yelled, "Harry, you've got to run! Find Faber!"   
  
Harry looked confused, but set off without another word, Legolas following closely behind.   
  
"Who's Faber?" Hermione asked, restraining her baby from running amongst the flames.   
  
"I don't know," Ron said, shaking his head. "I just had this image of a hound (who looked remarkably like Fluffy) running after Harry, and suddenly I knew he had to see Faber."   
  
Hermione only shrugged, knowing that these inexplicable things happen in 98.741% of fanfictions.

But as Harry came closer to Faber's house, little did he know that our young hero was no longer in the Harry Potter Fanfiction Universe nor the Farenheight 451 Unisverse; He had entered the realm of Fahrenheight 451.5


	8. The Great One

He could see it, just across the street when a loud horn sounding made Harry's head throb. Harry glimpsed a green Ford Anglia before tripping into the street. The car was going faster and faster... it was sure to hit him when suddenly it swerved to the side and Percy Weasley in a Bikini and an afro jumped out. Harry's headache grew worse.   
"Yo yo Harry my man! Gimme some skin! Wazzup homie? How do ya like the new paint job dude?"   
Harry's jaw hurt so much it made his ear hurt.   
"Dude, ya wanna check out my newsest invention? It's a time machine powered by thick (leak resistant) cauldrons." he said gesturing to the car.   
"But... Faber..." was all Harry could manage to mutter before passing out and woke up in the back seat of the Anglia. He sat up groggily and looked out the window, startled by the dazzling sunlight. Once his eyes adjusted, he was shocked to see that the car sat on the street of an old western American town.   
  
"Percy?" he called hesitantly.   
  
"Yeah, Harry?" Percy called from outside the car.   
  
Harry emerged and was glad to see Percy was attired in more fabric, although it was black cowboy gear, complete with a black 2.5 liter (they are British) hat, which sat precariously atop his fro.   
  
"What are we doing here?" Harry asked cautiously, obviously catching that cowboys with black hats are the bad guys.   
  
Percy sighed. "I told you I built a time machine. Why doesn't anyone think I'm as great as I know I am?" He pouted and crossed his arms.   
  
"The Anglia is a time machine?" Harry wondered aloud. "But why did you take us to the Old West?"   
  
"Haven't you seen the Muggle movie Back to the Future 3?" Percy asked impatiently.   
  
Harry shook his head sadly, for the Dursleys never let him watch films.

"Well, the professor and Marty went back in time..." Percy began to explain, but Harry was not listening. He was having a good look around.   
  
The men (all mysteriously with black hats) stood around, leaning on things, staring at Harry, Percy and the car. They were all chewing tobacco. Harry noticed one of them fingering a hand gun in his belt. "And the professor got stuck..." Percy rambled on (A/N: I'm not sure if this is from Back to the Future 3).   
  
The man fingering his gun suddenly stepped from the side. There was a great scramble, as everyone in the street ran into the saloon. That old-western music began to play in the background. The man bow-leggedly walked slowly towards them, hands on the guns in his belt. Percy stepped forward, with it seems nothing in his hands. Harry was managing not to cry, because this brought back very painful memories. "Mommy..." he squeaked.   
  
"Darn Brits," the bad guy said, pulling out his guns with the *really stupid voice* fastest hands in the west! Before he could shoot though, he flopped on the ground. Percy was flexing his fingers. The music was very loud now. A unified gasp came from all the bad guys with hats.   
  
Harry and Percy walked cautiously by the man, and Percy was careful to kick him. Perce had an evil grin on his face. Something glistened in the bad guy's throat. "Is that what I think it is?" Harry turned to Percy, grossed out.   
"Yes," Percy puffed himself out in a dignified fashion, "that's my old Head Boy badge! Which is highly polished, I might add-"   
  
The man on the ground moaned, and Percy smiled more widely. "Don't touch the fro." He said, picking his afro. He turned to Harry and motioned for him to come. Harry trotted behind him amazed with Percy's daring, disregard for rules, Percy's new ghetto style, and fiery red afro, which was "pretty fly for a white guy".

Suddenly, the sky turned a deep shade of emerald green, and an incongruously feminine, British voice floated out of it. J.K. Rowling had taken matters into her own hands.   
  
"HOLD IT! This is all wrong," she began. "I know how much fun it is to mess with my poor characters, but where is the amusement in plopping an afro on poor Perceval and dumping them in the old West? That isn't fair play."

All the original characters (who had suddenly appeared) cowered in fear of "The Great One".   
"W…we're s..so sorry, your Excellency," said Ron. "W…we d…didn't know it would offend you so much. PLEASE FORGIVE US!"   
"Oh shut up and stop stuttering like that dolt, Quirrel! Why in Dumbledore's name did I ever create that insufferable man?" muttered JKR, "Well, if you'd REALLY like to make it up to me, you can take me to go see a Quidditch match played by emperor penguins. I really need something to spice up my… ("Hey! It's my life story!" said Harry) FINE! Your series, to keep away those bloody published-parody writers. Curse that Russian man and his Tanya Grotter!"

"There's nothing wrong with flying magical basses," Hermione said.   
  
Harry blinked. "Hermione, those books are written in Russian."   
  
"So?"   
  
"I thought it was a cello," Ron said, scratching his head.   
  
"You can read Russain!?"   
  
J.K. shrugged. "I decided that, since you got the looks and the fame, they should at least get the brains. But can we get back to me, please?"

All eyes dutifully turned back to the absolute ruler, J.K. Rowling. "That's better," she said haughtily.   
  
"Now you all know that there will be none of this mixing with other story lines in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix so I will ask you nicely (just this once) to please stick to outrageous guesses at what the Order of the Phoenix is and which beloved character I am going to kill off," their creator said.   
  
Harry and the others bowed to her power and vowed to spend the next year in pursuit of adventures pertaining only to those two central ideas which Rowling had outlined for them. But as soon as she had left their presence, and all the extraneous characters had been whisked away with her (to everyone's regret, Legolas disappered with them), they began to fight amongst themselves as to how to best fulfill Rowling's requirements.   
  
"Everyone knows it is Hagrid that is going to die," Hermione said in her most know it all voice, glaring right at her half giant friend.   
  
"No, my good friend Robbie Coltrane just threw in that red herring for the fanatics," Hagrid said fiercely.   
  
"It's going to be Dumbledore," Harry said gloomily.   
  
Hagrid's face grew purple with rage. "Now yeh've crossed the line, 'arry! Nothin' will 'appen to Dumbledore, cuz it'll 'ave teh get through me first!"   
  
Harry cowered in fear as someone else spoke up...

"No," Protested a swarm of morbid ravens which were swooping overhead, "It shall be H-Harry!"   
  
"Well, in 2.1415926237% of fanfics, Harry dies at the end," Hermione agreed as the ravens passed over the horizon. "But rather far-fetched, if you ask me."   
  
"I'm a rather popular candidate as well," Ron said dryly. "Somewhere around 10% of fanfics in which a fairly important character dies have me as the victim."   
  
"What?!" exclaimed Harry in horror. "That's preposterous! Why on earth would they do that?"   
  
"So you and I could be together," Hermione sniffed matter-of-factly. "If you hadn't noticed," she added, pointing to the castle which loomed in the distance across the windy moor, "We're back at Hogwarts-and I think it's now again."   
  
But most of the others were far too preoccupied to notice her.

Harry licked his lips at Hermione's comment of "so we could be together" and glanced at Ron with malice glimmering in his eyes. Ron didn't notice though, for he was busy entertaining Narda (who, after another session of Legolas-slapping, had decided she needed a next, fresh victim) and they leapt behind the nearest bush. Legolas looked heart-broken and massaged his cheek (still bearing Narda's hand prints). "So... what'll we do now?" Hermione's daughter piped up, still tap dancing. "I suggest we go back to Hogwarts," Hermione said, somewhat weary, and they went to the castle, quickly followed by Ron and Narda, who were straightening their cloths.   
When they passed the lake (and all thought back of the most romantic moments they had experienced there, before continuing in a bush), the giant squid was speeding through the water with the speed of a bullet, and suddenly Hermione's tapdancing kid (did it have a name already?) grew two large tentacles and jumped into the lake. Everyone, quite dumbstruck turned at Hermione with questioning looks. Hermione slapped herself on her forehead. "Oh dear! I thought I'd forgotten a DNA-test!"   
"The Giant Squid?" Harry said with clear digust in his voice. "That's **EVIL** Giant Squid to you, Mr. Potter!" a voice came from the lake and the Giant Squid (with the baby Squid tap dancing on its back) arose in all its greatness, its eyes burning red! "**LORD** Evil Giant Squid!"

Well, since all things having to do with Lord Voldie ("VOL-DE-MORT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Stupid fanfic writers....") become pink, The Evil LORD Giant Squid quickly turned from a grayish color to neon pink.   
  
The swimming-somehow still tap-dancing baby, which in 65.432%-   
"Ahem!" began Hermione in her know-it-all voice, once again, "In 65.432716%!"   
"Well, soooooRRY!" Kate said, sarcastically. Yes, I have joined the other fanfic authors in this story.... "In 65.432716% of 'Hermione has a baby' fanfics, her child has a really corny name. So, we will ask the Great One what the name shall be."   
  
The Neon Pink Evil Lord Giant Squid looked absolutely bewildered, having never before been able to understand anything in these stories. But Harry yelled up into the heavens.   
"Oh Great One! Because this fanfic author," he jerked his thumb at Kate, "has limited creativity, we need you to think of a corny name for Hermione's tentacle-swimming, tap-dancing baby!"   
"You need me AGAIN! Gosh, can't you do anything yourselves?!"   
"Well, you created us." said Ron timidly.   
"Oh, well...um...er...YOU DARE DEFY ME!" roared JKR. All the characters and fanfic writers cowered in her rage.   
  
"No! No! We just need a name!" muttered Hermione.   
"Oh, okay. As much as I resent people ruining my story with additions like 'Hermione's baby', I will help you. The baby's corny name, by my authority, shall be..."

"-Wilburt."   
"I thought its a girl..." said a very perplexed Ron

"Wilberta, then. Sheesh, you're picky. Just take the stupid name, would you? Maybe she's a tomboy."   
  
"Who tap dances wearing a pink feather boa?"   
  
"Ahhh! Pink!" J.K. calmed herself. "A cross-dressing tomboy - "   
  
"Is that possible?" Hermine whispered.   
  
" - who likes to be called . . . what was it again?"   
  
"Wilbert?"   
  
"Yeah. That. Anything else?"   
  
"Well," Ron said slowly, "now that you mention it . . . "

"Now that you mention it," Ron continued, "I wondered why you haven't decreed that in this ff Hermione and I must end up together. I mean all of your signs point to that happy ending."   
  
The Great One sighed loudly. "Don't you folks know a red herring when you see it? Some scientific principle about someone's razor says that the simplest solution is right. Hermione kissed Harry, so just accept it."   
  
Ron looked shocked. He had always imagined, since reading Goblet of Fire, that he and Hermione were soul mates. Before he could protest, or ask any more really dumb questions, the Great One retreated to her mansion, husband and baby, thankful to get away from those annoying characters who kept her from enjoying her riches.   
  
Hermione, for the first time in her life, looked dumbfounded. "I hadn't noticed that my true love was Harry, but I see it all now. Joanne always knows best." She sighed happily as she held Harry's hand.

A cheesy car commercial announcers voice swept over 'Hogwarts Land'.   
  
"We now interrupt the regularly scheduled fanfic for...another bit of fanfic! Of course, it's written by a twelve year old girl with no care for spelling or plot!"   
  
All our lovable characters, Hermione still holding Harry's hand, her baby forgotten, gasped in unison and watched the sky. They were expecting reprimand from the Great One, but none came. The twelve year old began.   
  
heremion walked to where harry was. she had long blonde hair long legs and really really tight clothes wow said ron. wow said harry. hermoin leaned down and whispeed to harry i love harry.you are very cute and nice. harry kissed her for a long, long time. ron was very mad and he went away.a week later hermoine found out she was gonna have a baby again. her other baby was mad and went away hermione said wow. harry said wow. wow!   
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" came a scream from the sky. Every turned sharply to see the Great One again. She weeping uncontrollably muffled screams emitting from under her hands. "MY-MY S-STORY!!!! IT'S RUINED!! NOOOO!!"

 "And it gets even better- er- worse" The cheesey car commercial announcer voice continued, "In a current fanfiction writing contest, the following was submitted and even won last place! We at Cheesy Car Commercial Announcer Voices Inc. (don't ask) felt obligated to share this horrible piece of writing with you. Yo Jo you listening?" He chuckled at is own joke with no one else seemed to think was remotely funny. The Great One simply rolled her eyes in frustration.   
  
her moen sad 2 hary ls go 2 d rstent 4 ern ron go reee sad :( + crid aftr dat hrmn says 2 lets go 2 da moOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOovies she sd y t w b l s ttyl sum sad haRrRrR55645851256726745rrrry the ee was rllllllllll funy loaaoaoaoaaaol said hary aftpiza + muroi + chesse wo u lik wow wow wow yeah they got in there nu sueee + sated drvin 2 da restrerds then they saw a hen hey dat rims :D mlafe wil sae yestrda then day got in da cr and std 2 mk t 4 a wiel ronn got gelus :C+ did thru toffu at dem afftrwursd they   
  
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! YOU SHALL DEFY ME NO MORE!!" The Great One shrieked, "BE GONE INTO THE FESTERING STINKING TAR PITS FROM WHENCE YE CAME!!"   
Everyone cowered in fear as massive lightning bolts erupted form the Great One's finger tips, permanently banishing the offending writer who dared to write such garbage in the presence of the Great One herself. 

--------------------

Author's note: The one who was banished was the cheesy car commercial announcer guy because the bolts didn't reach far enough to decimate the offending writer)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry frowned. "Wait, does that mean Savage's gone permanently?"   
  
"Probably not," Hermione said, twirling her hair for lack of anything better to do. "I mean, do you want to be stuck with those other guys all the time?"   
  
"Hey, Rhea's awesome!" Ron said, and the others pointedly ignored the twenty pound note I was busy slipping into his hand.   
  
"Absolutely no bribing my characters!" J.K. intoned.

  
Out of the suddenly dark and scary underbrush crept a suspicious looking creature that appeared to have Hawaiian Punch dripping from its chin. It went by the name of Severus Snape. "HARRY! YOU'VE GOTTA HELP ME! BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER IS AFTER ME!"   
"Uh Professor, that show is ending this year. Why would they use you for the series finale?" said , Hermione's First Baby.   
"Oh Clown Face! How can you be so naïve! It appears that the writers of Buffy felt that they needed to consult a Harry Potter Fan Data Base that had a rumor circulating stating that I am a vampire."   
"And the fact that they couldn't book Lupin for the final episode," muttered Ron.   
"Oh yeah! I saw that one a while ago," said Harry, making reference to a the site, in an attempt to save the Gryffindor's House points, which no one really understood since they didn't really have classes anymore, since they had all graduated 3 years earlier than expected, because Hogwarts had secretly been burned by all of the people who were opposed and in support of the war with Iraq. (Hey! The protestors have to burn something down!) .   
"Ya know how it is," said Harry, with his unfamiliar country twang, "I try to keep up with the latest rumors, theories, and facts that are posted quite frequently about my life all over the net. Speaking of which, did you see the Book 5 American edition cover yet? I look so dang hot and mature! Only, I wish they could have made me look more rugged like that Vin Diesel fella… Oh well! Maybe someday my wishes will come true," he said, sighing at key points of his little spiel.   
"Hey!" said Legolas, who had been forgotten about up until this point, "Look! Up in the sky! It's a…"

...cardboard cut-out of Jennifer Lopez in her dress from Oscars night. It landed with a soft thump, and the once again pregnant Hermione distinctly heard a small voice demanding where her Benny-Poo and money was.   
  
Snape, who had been standing near the place were Lopez landed, (yes, I know that sounded like a news report) screamed at the top of his lungs. But once he realized it was not Buffy, he quieted down and proceeded to pour Hawaiian punch down his chin. All our boy characters immediately flopped down on the ground and crawled toward the cut-out murmuring "Oh Great One..."   
  
J.K. Rowling and her new baby boy, David, were looking distinctly ruffled, now that she was not the most powerful woman on the scene anymore.   
  
Ron sprang from his grass-covered knees after marveling for a few minutes at Jennifer's large *ahem*. "EUREKA!" he shouted, jutting a proclaiming finger into the air. "I hereby state that The Former Great One shall now be called J. Ro in honor of J. Lo!"   
  
Everyone cheered at this, except for Hermione, who was scowling at Harry, who was sitting closest to the cut-out. JKR, or how we have to call her from now on "J. Ro", looked absolutely stunned.

Hermione couldn't take it anymore.   
  
"Harry!" she shrieked. "Don't look at that Jenny from the Block! Don't you remember that J. Ro declared that we are meant to be together?"   
  
Harry replied without turning his eyes from J. Lo's...dress. "If we're meant to be, why can't I enjoy looking at another girl now?"   
  
Hermione looked flabbergasted, but J. Ro had a ready response. "Typical boy. He has no idea what's going on." Then David began to cry, so J. Ro ran off to take care of him, completely forgetting that she had two more books to write.   
  
"She's left us!" Legolas cried. "How will I ever get out of the vicious cycle of the fanfic if J. Ro has left me here?"

Legolas's comments were never heard because the ragtag group's attention was fixed on 3 approaching shapes. Suddenly, a man whose hair was perfectly spiked, due to a flat iron and hairspray, popped out of a nearby bush and announced, "Hey there! I'm Ryan Seacrest, and welcome to American Idol. Tonight's theme is incredibly weird fan fics, so here we are in a location totally forgotten by the current writer!"


	9. Chapter 9

"Oh my gosh!" screeched Harry, "This is my FAVORITE show! I want that Josh Gracin to win!"   
"Um Harry, the show's is called _American_ Idol. You live in England. How would you ever watch it? Satellites don't work in the Fan Fic Realm," said the ever factual Hermione.   
"Hey Ms. Know-it-all! You can't sing and you could stand to lose a few pounds, so shut up!" said the mean judge, Simon Cowell.   
"She is beautiful the way she is!" retorted the nice judge, Paula Abdul.   
"Yeah dawg! Listen to Paula, dude," said the "dawg" judge, Randy Jackson (no relation to those _other_ Jacksons, one who wanted to ruin the wonderful HOGWARTS EXPRESS!! ::cough!:: anyway...)   
The music started and Clay appeared on stage, big ears and all. When he began to sing, Hermione gasped. "That voice is coming out of that scrawny guy?"   
  
Then she realized what Clay was singing. It was a song from the new Harry Potter inspired musical that was thrilling Broadway audiences, "When a Slytherin loves a Gryffindor: Draco+ Hermione Forever" 

"What are you singing?" Hermione screeched, causing Clay to stop short.   
  
"It's a very popular song right now," he said, looking hurt.   
  
"I don't care!" Hermione yelled. "I would never ever date that despicable Malfoy character! Not only did J. Ro prohibit it, but he called me a mudblood, if you remember!"   
  
Just then, Clay's polyjuice potion wore off to reveal Draco Malfoy standing in front of Hermione, wearing a woeful expression.   
  
"Never?" he asked before whispering into her ear. Hermione giggled.   
  
"Well, ok," she said.

Harry collapsed into Simon Cowell's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.   
  
"Oh, get a hold to yerself Harry! Be a man!" said Hagrid, who just magically ("GASP!") appeared on the American Idol stage, still dressed in his now quite dirty, pink shirt.   
  
Simon drew his hands up to his mouth. "My God! You're hideous! All that hair, and, and, oh! I can't bear to say it!"   
  
Hagrid's lower lip began to tremble. He let out a howl like a wounded dog that shook the studio. The entire audience, in a many headed voice went: "AAAAAAAWWWW!"   
  
Seacrest (can't remember his first name) skidded on to the stage. After regaining his breath with a few deep breaths, he began in a steadily rising whisper. "The FOX officials have just given us information. We have the information from www.TheSmokingGun.com that..._Hagrid posed topless!_" he finished dramatically ("GASP!").

Get out of my way," Hermione's first baby shouted, pushing Hagrid off the stage. Without explanation, (And who needs an explanation? This is a fanfic!) she had suddenly matured to the age of 15 and was wearing skimpy, fashionable muggle clothes. Her sandblasted ultra-low rise jeans and tight peasant top were so revealing that Sirius, despite the fact that he was twice her age, could do nothing but stare at her and drool.   
  
"Uh, Padfoot, isn't she a bit young for you?" Remus asked, sounding more than a bit jealous.   
  
"Nah, in 5.14159% of fanfics, Hermione ends up with one of us or Snape," Sirius shrugged. "Why shouldn't I look at her daughter?" He promptly went back to drooling.   
  
Hermione's first baby (now teenage daughter) cleared her throat loudly.   
  
"Excuse me. My name is Krisy Amber Erin Lindsay Dawn Rose Jade Sara Lisa Star Hanako Granger-Weasley-Potter-Snape-Black-Lupin-Pettigrew-Longbottom-Krum-Moody-Filch-Hagrid-Flitwick-Dumbledore-Quirrel-Voldemort-Malfoy-Crabbe-Goyle-Finch-Fletchy-Parkinson-Squid, and I want to be an American Idol! Today I'm going to sing one of my very most favoritest songs, it's called.  .  .   The March of the Pink Fuzzy Bunny Slippers of Doom!"   
  
Ron frowned. "But I didn't think that had words."   
  
Hermione just shushed him loudly.

Kristy Amber Erin...(etc, etc) Cleared her throat and began to sing in a voice that rivaled that of a nightingale's, a voice smooth as satin, sweet as honey, and...   
  
"Alright, get on with it!" Ron interrupted.   
  
Right, here you go.   
  
_"Pink Bunny Slippers of DOO----M,   
So menacingly you loom,   
but you know I love you   
love to have you here,   
love those floppy bunny ears.   
Oh-- Darling no loafers could ever   
replace you in my heart.   
You're so fluffy to me-   
Oh slippers, do you not see   
  
You're the only evil pink villain   
I could ever love.   
I'll love you 'till the stars tumble   
from the sky above!   
I'm no pink fluffy sorceress,   
but you're my man-   
err...inanimate object...._   
  
Krisy stopped singing for a second and belted out the last lines of the song.   
  
_Fluffy pink bunny slippers   
of DOOM...oh yes   
though you're evil, doesn't make   
me love you any less!_

Hermione burst out into applause.   
  
"Those were some pretty good lyrics," Harry said, giving Ron a look.   
  
"She made them up on the spot," he muttered, begrudgingly clapping as well.

Suddenly everyone's favorite judge to hate on American Idol Simon appeared.   
He Said "That was one of the worst songs I have ever heard".   
They had also suddenly returned to Hogwarts.   
Hermione then screamed "You can't apparate in Hogwarts grounds."   
Simon replied "I didn't apparate someone turned my shoes into a portkey". After he said that he was gone.

...And suddenly out of nowhere a giant train smashed Hagrid.

"I knew it!" Ron said. "Hagrid's going to die in the fifth book!"   
  
Hermione gave him a look. "You idiot, that only said he was smashed into, not that it was a fatal smash. Crash. Whatever."

"My Goodness!" screamed Professor McGonagall, who had come running out of the castle, both to see what all the ruckus was about, and why none of these students have been in classes at all this year.   
  
"Don't worry Professor! He's not dead!" stated Hermione.   
  
Snape swooped down on them all. "Miss Granger, don't talk about things you don't understand! Hagrid _is_ dead, much as Mr. Weasley so _cleverly_ pointed out."   
  
"Aha! I was right!" shouted Ron with triumph.   
  
Hermione scowled at him. "For once."   
  
"Oh, shut up! You don't like it because you were wrong!"   
  
"Oh yeah-"   
  
"Miss Granger!" McGonagall shouted. Hermione immediately stopped advancing towards Ron. "What kind of example are you setting for your, um, very _mature_-erm-child?"   
  
"LOOK!" Harry screamed, in a very girlish way.   
  
Everyone snapped their heads toward the train that had smashed Hagrid. A collective gasp escaped them. The train was pink and fluffy! The evil laugh of the Pink Bunny Slippers of **DOOM!** *forked lightning* descended from the sky!

  
"So you were behind Hagrid's demise and my first incorrect answer?" Hermione sobbed loudly. "I am sorry that I ever bore your love child and gave her 35 names and watched her grow up 10 times faster than normal and put her on American Idol and-"   
  
A rumble of thunder cut off Hermione's pity party.   
  
"Of course I was behind Hagrid's death...and you should be sorry that you bore my love child, you stupid little girl. I needed her to complete my heinous plan," the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM cackled.   
  
But the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM had sorely underestimated the consequences of calling Hermione a stupid little girl...

Do not underestimate the power of the force_!_" Hermione cried. Suddenly the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom fell to the floor clutching his throat. ("Bunny slippers have throats?" Said Ron)

Silence fool!" Hermione bellowed, as she activated her bright red lightsaber. (cue evil sounding music) The Evil Pink bunny Slippers of Doom did likewise. The air crackled with energy as Hermione and The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom clashed. Harry took cover in a bush (fortunately empty) to avoid the deadly adversaries in action. Ron, however was not so lucky and got his head chopped off.   
"EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!!!"   
"My lawyers are gonna kill you guys." Ron's head said from the ground.  
The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom had Hermione up against the bottomless pit. She swung her lightsaber and chopped off one of his ears.   
"AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH You'll pay for this!" And with a final stroke Hermione fell down into the black abyss, to be heard from again. Hermione's daughter's cell phone rang.   
"Hello?"   
"Hi honey its me. I am currently falling into oblivion. Can you please avenge me sweetie? Oh and buy the way muggle electronics don't' really work on the Hogwarts grounds."

Click.

She looked the Evil Pink Bunny Slip-(do I have to write this all out every ingle time?)-pers of Doom squarely in the eyes. She then picked up a rubber band and tore off the corner of a piece of paper and crumpled it up. She twisted the rubber band around her fingers and took aim with the little crumpled up piece of paper.   
"My name is Krisy Amber Erin Lindsay Dawn Rose Jade Sara Lisa Star Hanako Granger-Weasley-Potter-   
Snape-Black-Lupin(*inhale*)-Pettigrew-Longbottom-Krum-Moody-Filch-Hagrid-Flitwick-Dumbledore-Quirrel-Voldemort-Malfoy-Crabbe-Goyle-Finch-Fletchy-Parkinson-Squid the amazing singing tapdancing cross-dressing tomboy. (whew!) You killed my fathe- I mean mother."   
"Hey I'm not dead yet!" Hermione cried from the depths of the bottomless pit.   
"Prepare to die."   
The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom laughed. "Hahahaha! You think you can hurt me with that contraption? Hahahahah! OW!"

Yes, she can hurt you," called a deep voice from the background of the message boards.   
"For she is a _Homo superior_, or as you insolent humans call her, a mutant. But we, the Brotherhood of Mutants, can give her a real home, away from you insufferable people shun her. We can"   
"Hey!" interrupted Ron's severed head (-he should apply for the Headless Hunt) "I didn't know Hermione's daughter swung the other way."   
"No you idiot!" cried Hermione from the bottomless pit, "_Homo_ is the scientific term for humans. And even if she did what was it you said? Bat the other way? What's it to you?"   
Suddenly the group was transported to the set of another Jerry Springer episode. Today's theme: My child is a mutant, or at least the guy who played Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings think she is!

But before Jerry Springer could come out to welcome his guests, Gandalf had whisked the entire group off to a meadow where stood a pure white horse.   
  



	10. The Council

"It is true that this young lady is what one would call a mutant in the mortal world," he began. "But in Middle Earth she is the key to our entire existence."   
  
"Wait," Ron sputtered. "Let me get this straight. Hermione's love child by a pair of evil bunny slippers who experienced accelerated growth, was given 20 names, and sang on American Idol is the key to the existence of Middle Earth?"   
  
Gandalf nodded solemnly and turned to Shadowfax.   
  
Hermione gave Ron a "I told you so" look and he stuck his tongue out at her. Harry had to restrain her from lunging at his red headed friend.   
  
"Sir," Harry began, though his voice was muffled by Hermione's hair, "How exactly does Hermione's daughter fit in?"

"Not very well," was the admittance. Hermione's daughter (to be known as such as it is much shorter than her entire name) appeared from behind the curtain, clad in black mesh, a mini-skirt, recently chopped and dyes hot pink and blue spikes, and newly acquired body piercings - not all of them in places visible on a sensibly clad girl. Hermione's daughter was not sensibly clad.

  
Ron's jaw dropped. "Whoaaaaaa...."   
  
"Uh, honey?" Hermione began cautiously.   
  
Hermione's daughter merely frowned and rolled her eyes in a rebellious teen way. "...aaaaaaaa..." Ron was still going. Hermione tutted at him.   
  
"Uh, um," Harry stuttered, gazing aptly at Hermione's daughter, "can I ask why she's a mutant?"   
  
Hermione's daughter rolled her eyes again. Gandalf walked towards her, and slowly put his arm around her scantily clad shoulders. She looked at him with disgust. "This young lady is not exactly a--um--clear mutant. Show them."   
  
Hermione's daughter quickly unfolded her crossed arms with a huge sigh. Suddenly, erm right… Soon, an even more scantily dressed girl had appeared. Except, this girl was entirely dressed in pink, with pigtails and a small animal shaped book bag. "Hi!" She said happily. Her voice was so perky it was sickening. "I'm, uh..."   
  
"Hermione's daughter," Ron prompted, now shifting his gaze to the new girl.   
  
"Well," she smiled, "not exactly! I'm actually Hermione's daughter's American cheerleader counterpart! Or, I guess you could say I'm her twin!" She giggled.   
  
Hermione was looking at her in disbelief. Her knees buckled.   
  
"WHYYYYYYYY?!" She burst into tears. "It's like the whole crazy teen girl fan episode all over again!"   
  
The cheerleader Hermione's face formed into one of deep disgust. The other one frowned. Harry hurried forward to comfort her. "Ron! Come here! Help me! HELLO! RON!"   
  
Ron shook his head, like he was coming out of a deep trance. "Wha'?"

  
"I need your help, Ron," Harry said angrily. "Stop staring like Hermione's daughter's American twin is a Veela or something."   
  
Cindie, as everyone suddenly knew was the name of Hermione's daughter's American twin, giggled as if she knew something that no one else did. This was not the case, however, as Gandalf cleared his throat, and rolled his eyes, as if to ask why on earth he had to be stuck with an American cheerleader.   
  
"That is part of the prophecy," he explained, trying to be patient.   
  
"Prophecy?" Hermione asked, interested.   
  
Grateful for a half way intelligent question, Gandalf smiled. "The prophecy that your daughter is to fulfill. It is referred to as-- the Order of the Phoenix!"   
  
"What?" Ron asked, looking bewildered.   
  
Gandalf shrugged. "Hey, it's a fanfic. We had to connect it to Harry Potter somehow. See?" He pulled out a list. "Rules for Writing a Fanfic."   
  
Ron took it, skimming it quickly.   
  
_1. Almost every Harry Potter fanfic in some way mentions Harry Potter. It might be helpful to include him when writing one.   
  
2. . ._

  
...Ron was cut off by the appearance of a young Severus Snape who was running away from what seemed to be a pineapple with James Potter's face carved into it.   
  
 Gandalf blinked. "Uh… Onward to Rivendale!"   
He sped off leaving everyone else stranded.   
"Now what?" Groaned Ron.   
Hermione snapped her fingers and a limousine appeared. And who else was driving but the Evil Pink Neon Lord Squid from however many pages back. Once everyone was in they sped off in pursuit off Gandalf. After a few minutes a strange white car came into view with Gandalf driving it, bowling over a couple of elves. Then a blood curdling scream reached their ears. The Ringwraiths were sporting pink S.U.V.s and were in hot pursuit.   
  
 (Insert chase scene)   
  
They somehow managed to reach Rivendale unscathed. Ron had taken a blow to the head but seemed to be feeling fine aside from talking in a strange manner. They had come to the council of DElrond.   
Sitting next to him was a pirate person who looked suspiciously like Legolas.

  
Elrond was sitting quietly in a large elegant chair. Legolas was playing with his little pirate sword. "Welcome friends," said Elrond.   
  
Legolas was humming Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Elrond elbowed him sharply. "Ouch! Oh, hi. Um..." He looked uneasily around him, and then was engulfed in a coughing fit that sounded suspiciously like July 9th. Cindie, in perfect teen fan fashion, rushed forward and threw herself on him.   
  
She grabbed his shirt collar and shook him roughly. "Orli! No, Orlando! You can't die! You can't! I won't let you!"   
  
Legolas coughing subsided as the pressure on his chest increased. Now he couldn't breathe. Cindie screamed. "NOOO! YOU WON'T DIE!"   
  
Hermione ran and pulled Cindie off of him. Ron looked bewildered at the scene in front of him. "Whatcha do that for, 'Mione? And yooooou, pwetty boy, why'd yooooou cough like that?" He was still speaking oddly, and a line of drool was extending from his mouth to his chin.   
  
"Well," Hermione answered sharply, "maybe I'll pulled Cindie off of him so he wouldn't die!"   
  
Elrond was out of his chair, standing off to the side. "And Legolas was trying to tell you all the release date for his new movie."   
  
Legolas just smiled. Cindie swooned, and Hermione's daughter scowled.   
  
Suddenly, a wave of smoke engulfed them all, and who would appear but the Great One herself. JKR. Everyone was awed by her presence.   
"It's quite stuffy in here. You! Fetch me a soda!" She said.   
Ron nodded numbly and complied immediately for fear that if he didn't, she'd make something horrible happen to him in a future book.   
That was not the only people at the council.   
  
Everyone seated themselves and turned to face JKR, who was about to speak. All of a sudden, there was a great trembling in the ground as if there was an earthquake.   
"Wh-what's happening?" Harry exclaimed, arms flapping wildly.   
"I feared this would happen!" said JKR. "Now that the Order of the Phoenix is out, the fanfiction world is in an upheaval and many old book five fanfictions will vanish. Some, will remain but a good 98.45634574% will disappear into oblivion."   
"You-you mean this one- will to?" Hermione's daughter gasped, looking distraught, "I had an appointment at the salon next week!"   
"But what about this fanfiction?" Hermione asked squeakily. JKR shook her head.   
"NNNNNOOOOO!!!! I SHALL NOT ALLOW THIS!!" The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom bellowed, appearing in their midst seemingly out of no where.   
  
It was about then that Ron decided to become intelligent. "But we aren't exactly year-specific, are we?"   
  
The Pink Bunny yadda yadda laughed. "Heck, kid, sometimes we're not even gender specific."   
  
"Then we're good, right?" Ron said, turning to plead with the Great One herself. "I mean, we're funny, so that's good, right? Right?"   
  
Thankfully for all those in Fanfiction Land, it was about then that another author came to take the story out of Rhea's hands. 

---------------------------------------  
Note: That's all the pre Order of the Phoenix stuff. 

And currently, on Microsoft Word, this story spans 51 pages (Verdana 8 pt font)


	11. Chapter 11

Note: This chapter contains spoilers of the Fifth book.   
----------------------

Harry cleared his throat loudly. "Hello? Somebody read that last part again, loudly, please!"   
  
Hermione cleared her throat.**(Verdana 8 pt font)****."   
  
He smacked himself in the forehead. "No, that other bit. ****Thankfully for all those in Fanfiction Land, it was about then that another author came to take the story out of Rhea's hands!**"**   
  
"Oh, that bit . . ."**

However, no other author seemed to be there at the moment to take over, so, until another author were to appear, all of our characters would be frozen in time until I think of something remotely interesting.   
  


Ron cleared his throat. "Ahem, erm, oh great and powerfully author, isn't it time for a random happening that advances that plot?"   
And it was at that moment that a great big smiley face fell from the sky and crushed the Council of Elrond.   
  
Ron was yelling something, but it was rather muffled by the gigantic black left eye. "What?" Hermoine asked as she, Hagrid, and the Pink Bunny blah blah blah put their shoulders to the side of the large yellow sphere.   
  
"I said, I want Rhea back!" Ron said angrily, painfully climbing to his feet. "See, she has this thing against needless violence . . . and I rather like it."   
  
Harry sighed. "Like we have a choice? No one visits this thread anymore." He sat down, head in his hands, as JKR looked on, her prediction seeming to come true. I mean, after all, it's not like she's Trelawney or anything, right?   
  
Hermione gasped. "Speak of the devil . . ."

  
And, indeed Satan was approaching from behind a large rock.   
  
Harry nudged Hermione. "In that context, shouldn't 'Speak of the devil' refer to Professor Trelawny?"   
  
"You'd rather have _her_ here?" Hermione said, turning a disgusted look in his direction.   
  
"Ah, no, just thought I'd mention it." Harry swallowed hard, pulling on his collar as he retreated back to be with Ron. "Now what?"   
  
"We . . . erm, we wait for an author who's in no way related to Rhea?" he squeaked. "Why couldn't it have been a butterfly?"   
  
Needles to say, this was ticking me off, so I scooped up Satan from behind his rock, put him back in his cage, and wiped the scenery completely blank so it looked as if all the characters were hovering in mid-air.   
  
"Thestrals?" Ron asked.   
  
"Nope. Worse."   
  
They (whoever was there at the time, it changes randomly) all looked around at each other. "Who said that?"   
  
A shriek of laughter came out from behind Harry. "Don't you know someone you absolutely hate by their voice?"   
  
Ron looked around. "Erm...no?"   
  
Bellatrix Lestrange appeared out of thin air, a heavy frown on her face. "Heaven forbid you just _accept_ someone's dramatic and mysterious entrance!"   
  
Harry looked as though a lightning bolt had just struck him. He froze, and then seemed to burst into seizure accompanied by screams.   
  
"BELLATRIX!" he screamed. Convulsion. "YOU KILLED SIRIUS!" Convulsion. "I'LL KILL YOU! I SWEAR OVER THAT--" convulsion "--DARN BLACK VEIL, I'LL KILL YOU! YOU KILLED SIRIUS!"   
  
Ron, Hermione, and whoever the heck else that had appeared there, were slowly backing away from Harry. Ron raised his furry red caterpillar eyes, which were once turned blue by Fred and George...ahem...another story there...at Hermione, and she just stared confusedly at him. Ron threw up his hands, and turned towards the twitching Harry.   
  
"Uh, mate, Sirius isn't dead. He's down there somewhere," he pointed vaguely at the nonexistent ground, "snogging some person in a bush."   
  
Harry's eyes were still rolling, and he was occasionally muttering words when he could control his lolling tongue. Bellatrix leaned back with an extremely smug look on her face after she looked utterly bewildered for a minute, apparently with as much of an idea of what was going on as anybody else.   
  
The Great One snapped her fingers in a swiper fashion. "Well, great _job_, Harry. Just gave away one of the major plot points in the Order of the Phoenix!"   
   
"Some person?" a voice said. "So I'm just some person to you, now, am I?"   
  
Harry gasped. "Snape! Nooooooo!" He was so devastated that the convulsions stopped.   
  
Ron turned a blank look on Hermione. "Am I missing something?"   
  
"14.38579% of fanfics are, or involve a hint at, a Harry/Snape pairing," she said in a low voice. "As compared to the 15.798213645% that involve Sevvy and me." Smiling, she twinkled her fingers down to where the bush had appeared, the Potions master next to it.   
  
"What are you doing cheating on me with him?" Harry moaned, tears streaming down his face from his green eyes, the color of which is significant, somehow, but how, we don't know yet.   
  
".00235%," Snape replied cooly.   
  
"Heaven help us all," Ron whispered. "And when I say 'heaven,' I mean someone without a 'Tanardawen' for the last name!"   
  
(The author just laughed. . .)   
  
Harry tried to move, but the cobwebs were sticking to him rather tightly. "I see what she means about not having a life after OotP," he compalined to no one in particular.   
  
Hermione shrugged, sending up a cloud of dust. "Well, we were bound to fall out of interest sooner or later . . . perhaps we should be less strict in our demandes for no senseless violence."   
  
"Yeah, no senseless violence against me and my pretty hair," Legolas said, who had been propped in a corner for a looooong time. "But everyone else is okay."   
  
But suddenly, a new object of interest appeared: JOHNNY DEPP!   
  
Of course, he was dressed in his pirate suit. And, just as suddenly, Legolas was no longer Legolas. He was that other guy in that Disney movie who co-starred with Johnny Depp.   
  
Hermione brushed all the dust off of herself in one motion and walked toward the center of the "fanfiction attic". She bellowed up at the ceiling.   
  
"You can't _do_ that! That "Pirates of the Carribean" movie is from Disney, and this is a _Warner Brothers_ site! They're rivals!"   
  
"Er, Hermione," Ron moved slowly toward her, "don't anger the fanfiction authors...they've already lost enough interest in us...leave her alone...."   
  
Hermione was on a roll and she wasn't about to stop. "Disney is a kids' movie company! They _can't_ make PG-13 movies! They can't!"   
  
Harry tried now. "Hermione, calm down. Um--let's go outside! Get you some sun!"   
  
"And you!" she rounded on him. "You're so overdramatic! I knew the Great One shouldn't have done that! I knew it, but does anyone listen to me? _Noooo__._"    
  
As Hermione continued babbling, the others became aware of a movement over by the rocks.   
  
"...and I would've passed that test if those two blundering idiots," Hermione waved impatiently at Harry and Ron, "weren't blowing up my notes all the time..."   
  
Satan was stirring in his cage and fixing his malevolent glare upon all of them.   
  
"...bear's back side. Honestly!" Hermione scoffed.   
  
Suddenly he let loose a laugh so evil that-   
  
"... he had the audacity to ask if I wanted more pumpkin juice..."   
  
-startled Harry. He glanced at the others. They were all staring in disbelief, horror, and anguish, though Harry could not tell what it was.   
  
"...paycheck hasn't come in three weeks! Three weeks!" Hermione shouted shaking Pirate-Legolas by the collar.   
  
For from behind the rock had crawled the devil's spawn, Cream Cheese and it's cohort, Mr. Acne.   
  
"...totally injust. Why when I get my hands on that Fawcett..."   
  
Mr. Ance immediately sprung on to each teenager in turn, and horrible pimples flared up all over their perfect-fanfiction faces. Mr, Acne stood there for a second, looking confused at what to do. Cream Cheese indicated the absolutely perfect Legolas/pirate.   
  
Mr. Ance jumped on to him, smothering his face in acne-causing oil. Legolas/Pirate screamed. "MY FACE! MY FACE! It's only second to my golden locks of shining hair! HELP!"   
  
Eerie blue fog* seeped into the room, momentarily freezing everyone in the fanfiction attic. And out of the gloom, emerged _Savage_.   
--------------------------------------------------  
*Code of fanfiction, Section 6B: All new-comers or re-comers must enter shrouded in shadow, or something else of that sort (i.e. Flames, fog, cloud, etc.).   
  
(I just had to do...bring out my teenage frustration on the characters...)   
  
_Savage_ blinked. All was silent. The only sound was Legolas's shreiks of agony as Cream Cheese spilled cream cheese directly in Legolas/Will's hair and Hermione's senseless rambling.   
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!!"   
  
"...took five weeks to fix that half-tranfigured rat..."   
  
Just at that moment, a crash was heard as the Ringwraiths in their pink S.U.V.s hurtled through the front door, bowling over Elrond as he returned from the kitchen with the Great One's steak dinner.   
  
"RUINED RUINED I SAY!! THIS'LL TAKE WEEKS TO COME OFF!!!"   
  
"...the point being the Hippogriff was no longer taking orders..."   
  
The Great One however, had no power whatsoever over Elrond or the Ringwraiths to sufficiently punish them for destroying her food, since they originated in the Tolkien universe.   
  
"And my face, my beautiful face! Could take months to restore to it's former glory..." Legolas sobbed.   
  
"...poisoned carrots..." Hermione muttered darkly.   
  
The Ringwraiths were closing in, destroying everything in their path. Everyone looked to _Savage_ for support, but he was busy thwacking his head on a rock multiple times. "...345, 346, 347…"

"358,359,361 . . ."   
  
"Skipped one," Hermione muttered, though no one heard her over cries of, "My face, my hair, I've nothing left to live for, I'm suffering so much I might as well write a symphony, WAHHHH!"   
  
Meanwhile, the Great One was realizing that the creatures from the Tolkein universe, while she had no effect on them, had no effect on her, just her dinner. "Augh! It was cooked perfectly, too!" she ranted, prompting Hermione to join in.   
  
" . . . bloody contracts, always late . . ."   
  
" . . . no more girl fans scraming at me . . ."   
  
" . . . waste of A1 steak sauce . . ."   
  
" . . . flobberworm guts all over the place . . ."   
  
" . . . take months to comb this . . ."   
  
" . . . salad dressing on his face . . ."   
  
Harry screamed.   
  
He screamed because at that moment Albus Percival Wulfic Brian Dumbledore appeared in the middle of the group.   
  
Harry wondered how the Headmaster had gotten there, and as if Dumbledore had read his mind (lol), he turned to Harry and said gently, "I don't need a cloak to become invisible."   
  
Then the only person Big V had ever feared turned to face The Great One, and the steely determination in his blue eyes was almost as great as if he had been facing Big V himself.   
  
"What did I tell you about spending your time gallivanting with your characters in fictional worlds, Joanne?" he said, as if chastising a particularly naughty student. The entire group (whoever the heck is there right now) gasped at how informally he addressed The Great One, but The Great One hung her head looking ashamed.   
  
"I know, Albus," She said, sighing. "But they are quite interesting when they get to decide things for themselves."   
  
"Joanne, I will not tolerate your behavior one moment longer. As I have stressed many times before, you belong at home, at your desk, pen in hand." The determination in his eyes faded to anxiety. "I need to know what happens to me. 78.85% of fanfics have me sacrifice myself to Lord Voldemort, but I cannot see how our world would survive without me...Please finish the series, as quick as you can, Joanne, so that I know."   
  
Everyone was quite touched by this pretty little speech; Legolas had even stopped yelling about his face and hair long enough to wipe a sincere tear from his beautiful eye.   
  
The Great One immediately stood up and declared, "I'll do it! I will finish books 6&7 this year if it kills me!" Then She floated back up to the mysterious land from which She had come.   
  
Hermione blinked. "Did she really say what I think she just said?"   
  
"If you think she said she was going to roast the Orcs and eat them with the rest of her steak sauce . . . no," Ron answered.   
  
She glared. "The Great One just said she was going to finish the series this year, even if it killed her."   
  
"So?" Harry asked, looking utterly unconcerned.   
  
"So?!" Hermoine exclaimed. "so, that means she's going to die!" She was close to tears, as 85.67932% of fans now believe her to be emotionally unstable.   
  
Ron snorted. "Hermione? She lied."   
  
Fans around the world gasped so loudly at this statement that the noise was heard by our group far away in Middle-Earth.   
  
Hermione gasped as the world-wide gasp was replaced by the sound of world-wide excited chatter. "What're they saying?" she asked, still in shock.   
  
Harry screwed up his face, listening intently, ignoring Legolas who was pointing at him declaring, "I hope your face gets stuck like that!"   
  
"They think that if The Great One lied about that, then She also lied about Sirius' death," he said over Legolas' taunting, for indeed, his face had stuck in a grotesque position. "They've never been this excited before!"   
  
All of a sudden, though a cloud of black smoke, Sirius walked in, smililng.   
  



	12. Chapter 12

"Oh, Sirius!" Harry cried, flinging his arms wide and running in slow motion toward his godfather. Beautiful, moving music began to play and they were no longer wherever they were, but in a field of wildflowers, clothes in the purest white.   
  
"Harry!" Sirius cried joyfully, still in slow motion, grabbing his godson around the waist and whirling him through the air. Flower petals fell from someplace above, high in the clear blue sky.   
  
Hermione cleared her throat. Suddenly everything was regular speed and back in fanfiction land. "Umm, what happened here?"   
  
Ron turned towards her, with a surprised look on his face. "See you've stopped ranting."   
  
Hermione scowled at him. "Well, why you were busy seeing that I finished raving, Sirius and Harry had an intimate godfather-godson moment, and I feel that since our friend is here that had been deceased for a little while cam back, I think it polite to stop ranting." She took at breath. "And anyway, I'm not done yet."   
  
She turned back to Harry and Sirius, who were now joined at the hip--   
  
Legolas cleared his throat. "Um, don't think you've forgotten something?"   
  
Sigh. ...Who were now joined at the hip, _figuratively speaking_, of course, smiling widely at everyone.   
  
"What just happened?"   
  
Sirius took a deep breath, brushed his long dark hair out of his eyes (cue for another collective gasp from the Sirius-lovers of the world), and said, "Well, as the Harry Potter movies are becoming more and more cliche-like --"   
  
"We have movies?"   
  
Hermione rolled her eyes (which she seemed to be doing a lot of lately). "Yes, Ron, remember Rupert and his lot coming to see us? And Daniel Radcliffe...."   
  
A dreamy expression crossed her face, and Ron elbowed her. "R & H. Remember, it's all about the _R & H_!"   
  
"Right...as I was saying...many of the fanfictions have been imitating the movies, so, dream-like reunion sequences."   
  
Harry was tugging on his godfather's arm. "Come on, Sirius! Let's do another one! And on the beach this time!"   
  
Sirius rumpled Harry's already-messy hair in a touching, fatherly manner.   
  
"Not right now, Harry." He smiled affectionately. "Don't you want to know how I came back to life despite the fact that The Great One deemed it impossible?"   
Harry shrugged, disappointed.   
  
"Oh, come on Sirius, everyone knows that in 79.23% of post-OotP fanfics you are somehow rescued from behind the veil of darkness in the Department of Mysteries." A pensieve expression settled on his face. "But, in true fanfiction fashion, I'm sure there is some detailed and highly unlikely explanation for your miraculous return."   
  
"Aside from the whims of his screaming fangirls, you mean?," Hermione asked scathingly.   
  
"Well, of course aside from that," replied Sirius, "do you think my screaming fangirls would actually _adimit_ that they're screaming fangirls? Really Hermione, I expected better of you."   
  


********************************************************************************************  
  
**FLASH BACK**  
  
Our heroes are now sitting in the common room:   
"Oh no!" shrieked Hermione suddenly, "We've got to start revising!"   
"But Hermione," said Harry, confused, "we haven't actually had any classes this year, remember?"   
"I know, but that's what it says over there," she said, pointing to a bulletin board that hadn't been there a second before. On it was a note that said 'EXAMS START MONDAY'.   
"How will we learn things fast enough?" moaned Ron, "We haven't got any books!"   
"Don't worry, I've got everything we'll need right here," Hermione soothed, pulling a small wheelbarrow full of school supplies out of a nearby disappearing broom cupboard. She divided everything up between them and soon they were all frantically speed-reading through textbooks. Several hours later the boys stumbled up to bed; Ron was still muttering something about the importance of beetle eyes in potion-making as he dropped off.   
*************   
They were awakened by Hermione bursting into their dormitory, of which they were for some reason the only occupants, fully clothed in [insert long description here] and yelling, "We passed, we passed!"   
As they hurried downstairs in her wake, Ron muttered to Harry, "Do you remember _taking_ any tests mate?", to which Harry replied, "No, I guess the author couldn't be bothered to describe them; but then, that's their prerogative, right?"   
Ron was about to ask what 'prerogative' meant, when they entered the common room, now packed with students who hadn't been there the day before. Fighting their way through the crowd they found that the bulletin board now contained lists of marks. Hermione was top of course, and Harry and Ron won't be mentioned.  
Harry, Ron, Hermione and some random people were in their compartment on the Hogwarts Express— Nothing at all happened in the last two weeks apart from the huge feast on the last day, which was even more memorable than usual. The Weasley twins managed to slip some 'special ingredients' into Snape's goblet, causing him to skip uncontrollably around the Great Hall whilst singing show tunes at the top of his voice. Things deteriorated rather quickly after that.— when Draco Malfoy stepped in. "Well, well," he drawled, "If it isn't Potter and—"  
Suddenly a short, dirty man (whom Harry might have mistaken for a long-haired goblin apart from his nose) appeared right in front of him, causing him to cry out and his pointed hat to fall to the ground. The man fixed his beady eyes on Harry. "What," he said croakily, "is yer name?"   
"Harry Potter," said Harry promptly, surprised.   
"What…is yer quest?"   
"To stop Lord Voldemort."   
"What…is yer favourite colour?"   
"Gold."   
The man looked slightly disappointed, then turned to Hermione. "What…is yer name?"   
"Hermione Granger."   
"What…is yer quest?"   
"To read every book in the Hogwarts Library before I finish 7th year." This prompted some chuckles from the others in the compartment.   
"What…is yer favourite colour?"   
"Chudley Cannon Orange," she said. Ron gave her a shocked look.   
"Next the man turned to Moldy Voldy, who had just issued from Draco' fallen hat, along with an extra bottle of hair gel ("I wondered where I put that," said Malfoy, and began inching toward it.).   
"What…is yer name?"   
"Lord Voldemort." (He glared around, daring anyone to contradict him.)   
"What…is yer quest?"   
"To rule the world! Muahahahaha!"   
"What…is the capital of Assyria?"   
Voldy looked confused. "I don't know…"   
A small bottomless pit opened underneath him. As he fell into it, Draco made a dive for his hair gel, and fell in also. The little man turned to find a new victim—and fell into his own pit, which had just moved over two feet. Muttering something about "shoddy set management," Hermione repaired the floor.   
"Well," said Ron, "now that that's dealt with, I think we should—"   
  


************************************************************************************************************  
  
I should have edited that in somewhere that would make more sense, but 56.3455656% of fanfics don't make sense anyway...   
  
************************************************************************************************************

"Yeah," Sirius said with a grin. "See, I had this long-lost daughter-"   
  
ALL: "Noo! Not another Mary Sue!"   
  
"Oh, no," Sirius assured them. "She's my _DARK AND TROUBLED_ daughter who will turn out to be secretly working for Voldemort to return honor to the Black family name. But in the meantime, she used her unexplained but tremendous powers of necromancy to return me from the land of the dead, where my body was floating in a semiconscious state."   
  
Draco suddenly apparated in the midst of the group. ("You can't apparate into the Hogwarts grounds!") For some reason, he was clad in black jeans and a green silk shirt-it seemed that this year's Draco cliché of choice was...   
  
SEX GOD DRACO!   
  
"Did someone say _DARK AND DISTURBING_ female necromancer?" he asked suavely, running a manicured hand through his *perfect* silver-blonde hair. "I assume she's darkly gorgeous, too?" There was a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.   
  
Sirius gave him a look of deep mistrust. "You don't have a chance, Malfoy. In true fanfic fashion, she will unexpectedly be sorted into Gryffindor, and endear herself to Harry by her ACTS OF GREAT WIZARDRY, after which they will end up snogging in the dungeons."   
  
"No, Black, you're mistaken," Draco said with a knowing smirk. "Aside from being SEX GOD DRACO, I am also REDEEMED DRACO!   
  
Hermione's eyebrows were knitted.   
"Doesn't that usually mean that you end up shagging me or Ginny, though?" She checked her copy of _Fanfiction__ Statistics for Dummies._   
"Yes, right here." She jabbed her finger at the page excitedly. "In 89% of REDEEMED DRACO fics, Draco is romantically involved with either Hermione or Ginny (79% Hermione, 10% Ginny.)"   
  
Draco sighed in exasperation. "No, you Mudblood fool. At the start, I only _pretend_ to be redeemed so that I can shag the _DARK AND DISTURBING_ necromancess. I don't actually turn into REDEEMED DRACO until I actually fall in love with her and see the error of my ways. But the moment I turn in my Death Eater robes, I find out in a tragic twist that she's actually an evil spy. Of course, this is an _Angsty__ and Tragic_ fanfic, so I wind up being forced to kill her in the end."   
  
He finished his explanation and suavely squirted some peppermint breath spray into his mouth. "So where is my tragic love?"   
  
Sirius checked his watch. "Oh, you'll meet her soon enough. It's July 30th, about time for Harry's Really Scary, Angsty, Complicated, and Heartbreaking Sixth Year to begin...."   
  
Harry tried to say something but everything went spinning in a rush of color and he found himself back at the smallest bedroom in Number 4 Privet Drive.   
  


------Here Starts Spoof on Fanfics Part 2: The Really Scary, Angsty, Complicated, and Heartbreaking Sixth Year------- 


	13. Spoof on Fanfics Part 2: Angsty Year Six

Hermione was screaming so loudly it could be heard all the way in Egypt. For not only was she back in her bedroom, but upon glancing in the mirror, she discovered her perfect-fanficiton physique had reverted to it's original bushy hair. But that could be fixed of course. Most people that aren't stupid wonder how our lovable characters become super models overnight. It looks like were about to find out. Hermione opened her closet doors, and three hundred different colored and sized Gilderoy Lockhart hair products came tumbling out. She selected one and applied it to her skin. She took another out of the pile after much deliberation and spilled it all over her bushy mass of brown stuff that some more ignorant people call hair. In seconds, it transformed into the sleek shiny fanfiction hair that 78.354323265578% of authors prefer. By dawn, she had used up every single bottle from the closet and had transformed. It had took the whole night of course.   
****************************   
Harry sighed. He was back with the stupid fat Dursleys for another month. Of course following tradition, it just so happened to be four in the morning and therefore making Harry sixteen. He glanced at the window waiting. Any moment Hedwig would soar through with his letters from friends. Harry waited... and waited... suddenly there was a crash from outside and a rustling of bushes. Whatever was out there, it certainly wasn't Hedwig... or any other Owl for that matter.   
  
Harry peered out into the darkness.   
"R-2! This is most certainly NOT the correct movie set! I don't even think it's a movie set at all! I told you to take that right turn but you don't ever listen do you? NO!"

  
After getting over his shock, Harry leaned out the window, and cleared his throat over the argument that was going on outside.   
  
A robot awkwardly looked up at him. "Yes?" he asked, in a bit of a haughty voice.   
  
"Erm...who are you, and why are you in the bushes under my window?"   
  
"I am C-3PO, and this," he turned back towards the smaller blue and white robot at his side, hands on his metal hips, "is R2D2."   
  
"And...uh...why are you here?" Harry was feeling a tad uncomfortable.   
  
"Well, now that we know you're Harry Potter--"   
  
Harry rubbed his head. He didn't recall telling C-3PO his name, but that didn't matter, as this is fanfiction land.   
  
"--we've come to tell you about the Green Flame Torch."   
  
"The-wha'?"   
  
The robot looked down at the ground before answering. Harry was sure that if he could move his face, he would've been making an exasperated look.   
  
"The Green Flame Torch. Supposedly it's the name of the next Harry Potter book."   
  
"WHY DOES SOMETHING USUALLY HAPPEN ON MY BIRTHDAY?! I DON'T GET IT! AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS WAS HARRY POTTER LAND FIVE SECONDS AGO, SO HOW CAN YOU KNOW ABOUT THE GREEN FLAME TORCH?!"   
  
C-3PO waved off this fact and continued.

"You see," C3P0 explained, "there has been a great disturbance in the Force, causing Luke Skywalker, the one who was supposed to bring balance to The Force, to perish in a bizzare accident involving the kidnapping of an anorexic Hutt, seven pod racers, a drunk wookie, and this weird, unexplained green light-"   
  
"That's the green flame torch, right?" Harry asked excitedly. He had watched STAR WARS from the crack of his door enough times to follow the gist of what had happened, but one thing remained unexplained. "Wait a sec...STAR WARS is just a movie, though! And a series of cheesy spinoff books," he added thoughtfully. "what on Earth is going on?"   
  
"Nothing's going on on _Earth,_" C3P0 said with much exasperation. "We are fictional characters, much like yourself and those from-oh, what was it...Lord of the Stings? Oh well, nevermind." The tall, golden robot flicked his hand impatiently. "However, we are so loved by our fans that our fictional universes have taken on lives of their own-manipulated, unfortunately, by many strange, strange minds."   
  
Harry nodded, both in understanding and agreement. "Right then-so this green flame torch thing, how did it kill Luke? And what are you doing here?"   
  
If C3P0 were capable of it, Harry was sure he would have rolled his eyes.   
"I said an unexplained green light," He trilled in exasperation, finally extricating himself and his short-statured companion from the now-trammeled bushes. "This is totally off the point. We were going to go get the X-men to help, but you'll do just as well. I understand that you're having some diplomatic issues with a wizard named Voldemort?"   
  
Harry wasn't sure how to respond. 'Diplomatic issues' was a bit of an understatement.   
  
"Well, we can offer you the solution to your troubles," he assured Harry, "But we need to ask something in return..."   
  
"What?" Harry asked eagerly, so anxious to rid the world of Big V that he didn't stop to think that the whole situation made no sense at all.   
  
"We can let you have our best diplomatic mind in exchange for your friend Hermione's Time Turner," C-3PO replied.   
  
This only confused poor Harry more. "We don't need a diplomatic mind! We need a warrior!"   
  
C-3PO made a sound that might have been clearing his throat, except he didn't have one. "Princess Leia has proven herself in battle over and over, but she goes undercover as a diplomat."   
  
"Oh," Harry said, stopping for a moment to imagine this "Princess Leia" in action--but we can't describe what he fantasized because this ff is rated PG. "What do you need a Time Turner for?"   
  
"To go back in time and get Master Luke back, of course," C-3PO said in his annoyingly superior robot voice.   
  
And in finest fanfiction tradition, Hermione had happened to give Harry the Time Turner this summer for safe keeping, so Harry immediately tossed it down to the waiting droids. There was a loud crack behind Harry as he watched C-3PO carefully turn the tiny hour glass over and disappear.   
  
Harry turned around. "Princess Leia," he gasped.   
  
She shook her head slowly. "Now that I am back in the world of my birth, I want to go by my true name: Leia Black."

Leia smiled sweetly, then Harry noticed something and screamed.   
"OMIGOD! A FAKE HAND!" He grabbed the respective fake hand, which was actually quite cute and golden.   
"No, no," assured Leia, "that's just from my travels in the Old Kingdom. Nicholas Sayre just didn't buy the explanation that I had accidentally grown younger because of some screwed-up Charter Magic."   
"Huh?" asked Harry, but Leia had no oppurtunity to answer, since a young man with dark hair, wearing very stupid clothes, jumped into Harry's window.   
"LIRAEL!" he screamed. "LIRAEL, YOU'RE MY AUNT, BUT I ALWAYS LOVED YOU!" Leia kicked him out of the HP universe with her superb, godly kung-fu master skills.   
"Sorry, Sameth," she called after him, "but Wallmakers just aren't my type!" She waved her arm, and the golden hand disappeared, courtesy of Cliched Magical Spells That Don't Even Require Somebody To Freakin' Wave A Wand.   
Aunt Petunia suddenly ran up to Harry's room for absolutely no reason at all.   
"OUT, you filthy other-universers!" she shrieked angrily, smacking the robots that Henna didn't bother to write the names of, since she's lazy and she doesn't like Star Wars. "OUT!" And they vanished away. "But you can stay," she added to Leia. "Because I have a tendency to do really stupid things, since I'm a Dursley. Have a nice chat with Harry, dear--I'll bring up some sandwiches and a couple glasses of milk." She walked off, humming "Moon River".   
"So..." said Harry "... you've been in the Star Wars universe... how's that going?" But at that moment, an extremely grumpy looking black-haired young woman, also with a golden hand, popped into Harry's bedroom.   
"You've been messing with my man!" she shouted angrily. "Nobody touches Nicholas Sayre but ME! ME!"   
"Cool surcoat," said Harry.   
"Why thank you," she replied sweetly. "The keys stand for my Abhorsen father, and the stars for my Clayr mother. Now back to business." She grabbed a bell out of a bandolier that she was wearing. "Do you know what THIS is, you little "Oh look at me! I'm part Abhorsen, and part Clayr, and part Royal, and part Wallmaker, and I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread--wait a second, we don't even have sliced bread in the Old Kingdom... oh never mind--and EVERYBODY LOVES ME!" girl?"   
"Saraneth," said Leia, managing to look bored, superior, tragic, and sexy all at the same time. "So, you're going to send me past the Ninth Gate."   
"Worse," the woman told her, smirking and ending up looking very much like Bellatrix Lestrange. "I'm going to make you do the Chicken Dance, then I'll make you scratch your perfect manicure... and then, THEN," she added, pausing for the Incredibly Cliched Dramatic Evil Plot-Giver's Mandatory Pause, "I'm going to send you to sleep with Ranna, and I'm going to cut your long, perfect, sleek, shiny, shimmering, glistening, lustrous, wondrous, ethereal, incandescent hair."   
Leia and Harry both started to scream.

"NO!" screamed Tonks (who had also appeared into the room from absolutely nowhere). "YOU CANNOT HARM HER!"   
"Why not?" asked Lirael (who the black-haired woman obviously was). "All she does is cause 5 billion love triangles and end up being the center of a crappy, sickly-sweet plot."   
"But she's a Mary-Sue," Tonks countered, "and so we all love her for no conceivable reason!" She promptly turned her hair blonde, let it grow down to past her waist, snapped her fingers, and was suddenly wearing a robe spangled with stars and a circlet set with moonstones (I haven't read a description of the Clayr in a long time, so bear with me here people.) "To defeat a character from Garth Nix's Old Kingdom Trilogy Thiggummy," she continued dangerously, "it takes a character from Garth Nix's Old Kingdom Trilogy Thiggummy! Lirael, I am your mother Arielle!"   
"No you're not," Lirael told her. "You're just a weirdo who looks somewhat like her."   
"Oh shut up," snapped Tonks grumpily. She snapped her fingers yet again, and was instantly tanned with blue eyes, and a Charter Mark. "Now I am," she said. Giving herself a quick once-over, she added thoughtfully, "I look hot in this ensemble. Maybe I should keep it on for the next date I have with Kingsley Shacklebolt."   
"Kingsley Shacklebolt?" chorused Harry, Leia, and Lirael. "Like, ewwwww."   
"Oh shut up!" snarled Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr. Lirael held Saraneth. Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr held out her hand.   
"Bring it on, you dead person!"   
"Bring it on yourself, you Ancelstierran-snogging, one-handed, surcoat-wearing, dog-loving, bell-wielding HOBO!"

  
Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr started speaking Charter Marks.   
"Hey wait!" shouted Harry. "Aren't you doing it wrong too? Shouldn't you be SAYING something, not just--"   
"Garth Nix never wrote what to say, Harry," Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr replied. She was now stringing Charter Marks together to form a large, glowing circle. Lirael was busy pulling out Kibeth and Dyrim (having decided she wanted to make Tonks sing the Pokemon theme song as well as send her past the Ninth Gate, doing a twisted renindition of the chicken dance all the way.) Leia was starting to touch up her nail polish, though Harry really couldn't see anything wrong with it.   
"Traveling through alternate universes can really play havoic with your manicure," she told him matter-of-factly. Lirael then raised Saraneth high; Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr grabbed hold of the giant circle and prepared to throw it like a big, golden hula hoop--   
"GET TO KILLING EACH OTHER ALREADY!" screamed Harry at the top of his lungs. Tonks threw the Charter-Mark-Hula-Hoop at Lirael, but she ducked and it went through into the next room, taking most of Harry's wall with it. Aunt Petunia came into the room soon after, carrying a plate of sandwiches and two glasses of milk.   
Although she had been aable to take her living room being blasted apart, Aunt Petunia stared, gave a piercing shriek and fainted.   
"Now," Leia cried, "let me establish my awesome fighting powers, keep the Great One from killing me, and change this fic back from a crossover into what it should be: a needlessly sappy, completely plotless piece of crud centering around yours truly!" She jumped into the air and stayed there.   
"She can fly!" exclaimed Harry.   
"She can FLY!" gasped Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr. Lirael remained silent.   
"C'mon," coaxed Harry, "let's make it three..."   
"Oh fine," muttered Lirael. "She can fly."

Suddenly Aunt Petunia seemed to come to herself and shrieked, pointing at the intruders.   
  
"MUD ALL OVER THE FLOOR!! OUT OUT OOOUUUT!"   
  
And then using her newly aquired erm... combat skills, she banished the intruders. (Execpt Mrs. Black of course who was polishing her fingernails.

"Who is this-er-woman?" Aunt Petunia said looking at Harry as if he were dirt she'd like to get rid of (though she had just brought them milk and sandwiches).   
  
"She's the daughter of my convicted murderer godfather," Harry said mechanically.   
  
Aunt Petunia looked as if she wanted to say something else, but obviously the thought of angering Sirius stopped her and she left the room muttering about 'dust bunnies of DOOM.'   
  
"Harry," Leia Black said as she finished with her fingernails. "I am pretty sure your aunt is a squib. But before I can tell you why I think so, we really must be going."   
  
"Going where?" Harry asked, very confused, but before Leia answered, she had grabbed his hand and the smallest bedroom of number 4 Privet Drive dissolved around them. Harry found himself, surprisingly, in an empty bathtub in Hogwarts.   
  
"Uh..." he stammered out.   
  
Leia stamped her feet on the porcelain floor. She let out a string of swearwords, which we will not mention.   
  
"I thought you were all-powerful," said Harry, raising his eyebrows.   
  
She was having a bit of a temper tantrum. Leia whipped around, grabbed Harry's shoulders, and shook him while screaming in his face. "I am! I am! I am!"   
  
She stopped, breathing hard, but her fingers were still biting into his arms. "I'd let go if I were you. I'll tell Sirius if you don't."   
  
Leia just kept on staring at him, looking like a mad bull. "And, you're going to mess up your nail polish," he pointed out.   
  
Her lower lip trembled, and she released him. Automatically, a bottle of a deep purplish red nail polish appeared beside her, and she began painting her nails again in smooth strokes.   
  
"So, where are we going?"   
  
(I tried to stop the needless violence, but it just _came_!)

While Leia polished her fingernails, Harry started to hang his head and sob in a very cute, heartbreakingly sweet, sorrowful way.   
"Oh," he wept, "woe is me! Doomed to fight the Dark Lord before I can ever truly live! Why, oh why, oh why was I cursed this way? Would that I could simply be hit by a silver bullet and--oh crap, that's one of Remus's angsty lines, never mind. I need true love! I need guidance! I need yet another mentor to add to my horde of already-existing mentors!"   
"Do you think this color is really my type of shade?" asked Leia.   
"Oh, life is so gloomy and dreary! I see in shades of grey! Everything is so completely morbid and depressing! I'm such a troubled teen! I need to slit my wrists!"   
"Maybe I should try something a little more metallic."   
"How long has it been since I have truly since the sun shine? How long has it been since I last heard the sweet, lovely, beautiful birds singing?"   
"But shell pink is good too... you just can't go wrong with shell pink."   
"The world is hell! Every day I live is torture! Every breath I inhale is poisonous, burning my lungs into ash--metaphorically speaking of course. It's all agony! Agony! AGONYYYYYYYYYY!"   
"But maybe I should just put on some nice aqua, or maybe turqouise."   
"DOOM! PAIN! MISERY! DEATH! TORTURE! HELL! MUST--COMMIT--SUICIDE!" Harry started thonking his head against the faucet in a state of teenage angst, and eventually knocked himself out on it.

Suddenly, with a cracking sound, Bellatrix Lestrange apparated into the room. Harry instantly regained consciousness just in time for a needlessly angsty confrontation.   
"You--you--YOU KILLED SIRIUS!" he screamed, trying to jump out of the bathtub and attack her.   
"Uh, Harry?" asked Bellatrix. "Sirius is ALIVE, remember? His necromancer daughter resurrected him."   
"Oh, yeah... But the fangirls don't like you. In fact, they hate you. And that means, because of popular demand, I HATE YOU! YOU... YOU... YOU..."   
"Not the brightest crayon in the box, is he?" Bellatrix asked sarcastically.   
"ENOUGH!" shouted Leia. "Since I didn't get an opportunity to show off my awesome near-immortal fighting powers--"   
"Well, you did kick that guy out of our universe back into the Old Kingdom--"   
"Oh, shut up Harry. I will kick your butt into the next dimension, you KILLER!"   
"Oh, that REALLY hurt."   
"SHUT UP! REMEMBER, EVEN THOUGH I SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT, I'M REALLY A GENIUS!"

Leia executed one of her awesome-near-immortal-super-indefeatable-fighting-powers against Bellatrix who simply dodged. Bellatrix cackled and activated her rainbow colored lightsaber (which just so happened to appear out of nowhere) and cackled.   
"It is time for the world to now the true identity of whom killed Sirius Balck." She said, "I am not truly Bellatrix Lestrange. My father encountered a portal from his fictional dimension to another where he met my mother. They- (this is currently PG so we don't feel the need to describe anything) had me. One year after my birth, my parents had a dispute over who really stole the cookies from the cookie jar. The argument became so intense that they eventually divorced and I was placed in the custody of my father. He took me out of that world and back into his own, but it soon became apparent I did not belong there. He could not take me back for my mother had eaten a radioactive banana and had disapeared and was assumed dead. So he dumped me here with the Lestranges- I was two by then- and was raised as one of their own. But now I shall reveal my true identity:   
Bellatrix Ohmsford Fowl!"

  
Harry blinked. "Fowl? Isn't that, like, one of those book series that they say is in competition with me?"   
  
"But I'm not really wearing anything that'll go with shell pink," Leia murmuered. "I'm sorry, what was that?"   
  
Bellatrix laughed. "Yes, another little boy who decides to get into a lot of trouble. He even has black hair!" She cackled most realistically.   
  
"But he's a Mud Man - er, Muggle. So how's he supposed to threaten me?" Harry looked really confused, and the marks from the faucet had not yet faded completely from his forehead.   
  
"He sent me!" Towering over him, Bellatrix tried the laugh again, but she had to cough, eyes watering, and the iris camera Foaly had given her slipped out. "Oh no!"   
  
"Yes, I think shell pin _would_ be amistake," Leia mused. "So then: turquoise or sea blue?"

Leia suddenly glanced out of the corner of her eye and finally noticed Bellatrix's presence. Of course, being the Angst-ridden, mysterious long-lost necromancess that she was, she was completely unshaken. With an extremely disdainful sneer, she shot a really ANGSTY looking deep-purple light out of her pinky finger-because she is way too COOL for a wand-and Bellatrix Lestrange mysteriously disappeared.   
Leia wrinkled her nose. "Ugh, I mussed up my base coat! I think I'll do eggplant after all. It'll show everyone how incredibly DARK and ANGSTY I am."   
  
Harry stared at her with a look of hopeless admiration and longing. His deep emerald green eyes shone with tears of ANGST and DESPAIR.   
  
"Oh, Leia," he sobbed at her back it traditional melodramatic fashion. "Dammit, I've fallen desperately in love with your angsty, mysterious powers, but I know I can never have you! I am a mere, pathetic mortal!" He extended his wrists to her. "Kill me now!"   
  
Leia turned around and patted his head fondly. "Well, in 15% of ANGSTY fanfics we'd be snogging right now, but you see, I have to make mysterious allusions to a really cool-sounding artifact that is the key to destroying Voldemort. But then I'll suddenly refuse to talk about it anymore, and the plot will be suspended for another five chapters while everyone angsts over their tangled, complicated love lives."   
  
"Oh, ok," Harry responded cheerfully. "But you do know Draco will somehow coax the secret out of you, only to find out that you have tricked us into unearthing the very artifact that he needs to achieve total world domination."   
  
Leia shrugged and casually turned her hair the same deep eggplant as her nails, with sky-blue streaks to match her color-contacts. "Yeah, alright then. Let's do the 'mysterious introduction of artifact' scene now and get it over with."   
She yawned and hummed a few scales. Suddenly, A sphere of black mists was swirling about the two young wizards, dramatically accented by rolling thunder and bright flashes of lightning. Leia's eyes glazed over in this REALLY spooky way and she began chanting something in an extremely high-pitched, HAUNTING voice.

"The (color)(material)(item of jewlery/random houshold object) of (element/weather condition) is the key. Only When the beige ferret, the flaming leader, the escaper of death, and the seeker of knowledge unite can it be found. The (item) is the answer! The (item) will usher in the age of greatness!"   
  
The special effects died down and Leia nonchalantly went back to painting her nails. 


	14. Chapter 14

"Um, Leia, what was that about?" Harry asked, feeling extremely DISTURBED because that is one of the emotions the necromancess is designed to invoke.   
  
Leia glared at him in a REALLY mysterious manner. "Huh, what was what about?"   
  
Harry shook his head. "Nothing." Of course, he is now extremely curious about what exactly this item is. But he can't say anything because he's too shocked.   
  
Leia rolled her perfect eyes and climbed out of the tub. "Whatever. I have to go put on my dark, sexy gothic clothing for the Sorting Feast. And Hermione needs a makeover again."   
  
Harry stumbled out after her. "Huh, but wasn't there just a scene where Hermione stayed up all night making herself gorgeous again?"   
  
Leia laughed darkly. "Oh, no-that was a scene accidentally inserted from a 'Hermione as a pop princess' fifth year fic. Now that the popular music and clothing has become all 'alternative' and 'punk,' so will follow Hermione's current appearance."   
  
Harry nodded excitedly. "Oooh, ooh, so I WILL be able to date an ANGST PRINCESS after all!"   
  
Leia gave him her Vague, Mysterious (R) look. "Well, if she doesn't get involved with a certain equally angsty Proffesor, as she does in-Oh, damn, I don't have my statistics book with me-well, a fairly large percentage of angst fics." And, with a last wave of her shimmering cascade of funky punked-up hair, she was gone.   
  
Harry suddenly found himself on the Hogwarts Express with Ron, Hermione, and Ginny, bound for Hogwarts. Since Ron and Hermione were having a really mysterious conversation and he suddenly didn't give a damn, he slid into a seat next to Ginny and began staring in a depressed, sullen fashion out the window and thinking depressed, sullen, angst-ridden bitter thoughts, which I can't be bothered to type. Mostly, though, he was angsting over Leia's DARK MYSTERIOUS chantings about the (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition)

  
Suddenly from nowhere, Harry heard the voices again only this time clear as a bell.   
  
_"The __Orange__ Seashells of Happiness are the key. Only when the beige ferret, the flaming leader, the escaper of death, and the seeker of knowledge unite can it be found. The OSoH is the answer! The OSoH will usher in the age of greatness!"_

And at that moment, in to the room ambled Commander... um.. what was his name? Tree Branch or something?   
"It's Root you insolent Man!" Tree Bark said going so red he looked like he was choking. And of course, with him was Artemis himself, with gleaming red eyes and moldy pink fluffy shorts. Of course that may have been due to the red iris cams Foaly had been experimenting with...   
  
Harry was starting to get a weird feeling this scene was familiar somehow, but that was probably because of his multiple skull injuries he decided.

"So," Ginny was saying sweetly, trying to get Hermione to listen to her, "are you going to snog Harry, Ron, Malfoy, Severus, or--"   
"STOP!" screamed Harry. "STOP RUINING MY LIFE! STOP BREAKING INTO MY ANGSTY REVERIE! STOP BEING SO HAPPY--AND CHEERY--AND NON-PUNK-AND/OR-GOTH-Y!"   
"Oh honestly," snapped Ginny, extremely grumpily. "Don't you think it's bad enough that I dyed my hair black and put on so much makeup that I look like some sort of demon? I HATE angsty fics! Eyeliner looks bad on me, and black and red and purple? NOT my colors, Harry. NOT MY COLORS!" Harry was not listening. He had gone back to looking out of the window, where it was raining dismally, to match his bitter, resentful, angsty-teenager mood (as usual).   
"*I* spiked my hair," Ron said, as though this merited some sort of award. "And dyed it magenta."   
"Maroon, Ron," corrected Hermione.   
"Magenta."   
"Magenta is pink-ish, Ron. Your hair is just really dark, ugly red."   
"Oh, shut up!" Ron as well began ranting. "Why does Hermione always have to yell at me? Why does my knowledge of colors have to be so crappy? Why? Why? WHYYYYYYYY?" He then concentrated on imitating Harry and looking sullen, angry, and bitter. He, however failed miserably, and ended up just looking rather constipated. When Hermione pointed ths out to him, he muttered, "I hate being second-best," darkly, and continued staring constipated-ly out of the window.

Harry's angsty mood seemed to be contagious. After a few minutes, conversation broke up and Hermione began staring out the window too. Ginny started to pick up the conversation but to no avail. She too finally, stared out the window and muttered, "Thomas was cheating on me with his porridge..."   
In fact, the teenage angst was so infectious that the whole train was affected and the driver smashed the steering wheel in a fit of rage causing the train to tumble off the tracks; But no one cared of course as they were all to depressed.

But even though they pretended that the train crash didn't affect them at all, when it mysteriously got back on the tracks, unharmed, the teenagers were even MORE depressed then they were previously.   
  
They weren't depressed because the train crashed, though. When the train crashed, some person opened a door to the outside to enter, letting the dreaded _sunlight_ enter the corridors of the cars. The AGNSTY boys and girls shrunk away from the light that may have damaged their pale complexions, and continued to brood by the windows.   
  
However, a little man (who opened the door) stumbled through the cars, finally locating Harry's compartment. He slid open the door, and entered with the cue of low cello notes.   
  
When no one even looked his way, the rat-faced man jumped around. Still, no one noticed him, or, they were ignoring him very well. Exasperated, the little man waved his hands frantically in front of Harry's face.   
  
"HELLOOOOO? ANYONE HOME? HELLO? I'M LOOKING FOR REMUS LUPIN!"   
  
Harry swore loudly. "Leave me alone!" he yelled out, folding his arms defiantly. Peter Pettigrew stooped, defeated, before him.   
  
"I--I just wanted to find Remus Lupin..."   
  
Hermione's low voice came out of the shadows. "Why?"   
  
Pettigrew let out a screechy laugh. "To kill him!"   
  
Ron undid his constipated/ANGSTY face for a second for his trademark side kick confused look. "You're gonna kill Lupin? How?"   
  
Wormtail thrust his hand into the air. "WITH MY SILVER HAND!"

  
Harry recoiled in horror, then realizing he was out of sync, he quickly resumed his angsty mood.   
"Yeah you do that." He muttered.   
Petegrew blinked a couple of times, confused.

  
"That's silver _bullets_, you idiot," Ron sneered, not looking constipated at all. 

"Oh . . ." Wormtail shrugged. "So I'll melt it down and get me a gun."

It was at this time that the train arrived at Hogwarts School of Bac- I mean Withcraft and Wizardry. The three got into one of the Thestral pulled carriages and- we'll just fast-forward a bit to find our heroes at the Sorting Feast.

  
Harry noticed that some of the first years were taller than usual- super cliche' exchange students probably. He also noticed that the taller ones were in the back of the line as 100% of Exchange student fanfictions have them to be. Then all was silent and the Sorting Song began.   
   
The Sorting Hat Song  
  
_"Well, hello First Years!__   
What you need to do,   
Is put me over your ears!   
  
I will sort through your brain   
And suck up your thoughts   
Like a drain!   
  
Do you belong in Gryffindor, with the brave?   
Or Slytherin, with the shrewd?   
Maybe Hufflepuff, where loyalty is what they crave?   
Or Ravenclaw, with those smarties?   
  
I really don't know where to put you,   
'Cause those fanfiction writers,   
They just randomly put you,   
Anywhere they please!   
  
So put me on and I'll just guess,   
But hurry up,   
I want to get a make-over, so I don't look like such a mess!"_

All of the normal first years are of course of no importance and therefore will be skipped.   
A tall person with blonde hair and blue eyes, wearing alot of make up walked up wearing a scowl.   
"Turner, Legolas!"   
"It's Greenleaf. GREENLEAF! And when can I take this ridiculous makeup off?"   
"GRYFFINDOR!"   
Legolas sat down grudgingly muttering oaths of revenge upon a certain author name _Savage_, fingering his bow.   
"Face, Smiley."   
:) walked up to the stool, showing no signs of nervousness as all first years do. In fact, :) hardly ever showed any emotion at all, being stuck in that position forever.   
  
Harry was so busy listening to the narration he didn't notice what house :) got sorted into.   
  
Harry was overcome by a sudden fit of angst and banged his head on the table, knocked himself out and missed the rest of the sorting. Needless to say, Leia was sorted into Gryffindor.   
  
We now turn over the point of view to Ron temporarily so another author can either name a few unimportant first years to take up space or add a couple more exchange students - maybe someone would like to write themselves in as 89.4534562% of authors do? - maybe someone could add in a traditional Mary Sue perhaps?

"Tanardawen, Rhea Lee" was naturally sorted in Slytherin to become Harry's angsty love interest as he battled his feelings for a Slytherin. Of course, he would also have to battle Legolas for her before this fic is through . . . She sat down next to :) at the Slytherin table and grinned cutely at everyone around her 

  
And of course, there was "_ Blank ,Savage"_ who was too stupid to fit in ANY of the four houses at all, but like the sorting song says, it only obeys the whims of the writers therefore putting _Savage_ in "PINEAPPLE!" whose only other occupant was a very large Panda and an empty milk bottle.

"Goldenhand, Lirael!" screamed Professor McGonagall.   
"WHAT?" screamed Lirael, who had suddenly appeared out of absolutely nowhere despite the fact that one really can't do that at Hogwarts. "I'm far older than 17, so how can I be sorted? And nobody but the person writing this bad section of this good story knows anything about me or my universe! All I came here to do was to kill--" she suddenly paused. "But I could teach," she added hastily. "I'll teach... er... er... NECROMANCY!"   
"Is that really something you can teach?" asked Flitwick skeptically. Vector tried to roll her eyes but was stopped on the grounds that she was too minor a character. Even Professor Sinistra took a break from snogging Professor Snape to look at Lirael.   
"No it isn't," replied Lirael, "but hey, in 15.83941269% of fanfics a stupid, unnecessary new subject is created. Necromancy could be it!" The school population continued to look at her skeptically. "And I'll work for free."   
"HIRED!" shouted Dumbledore, conjuring up a seat next to Professor Snape (despite the fact that J. K. said conjured objects disappear after a while.) Lirael smugly walked up to the chair and sat down. Snape scowled and raked his hands through his greasy hair, and Lirael instantly knew that she had found her soul mate.   
"What Nicholas doesn't know won't hurt him, I suppose," she said seductively.

Within five minutes Snape and Lirael were making out. Sinistra looked extremely pissed off, and even as she snogged Professor Flitwick, she was muttering darkly.   
"What was that honey?" squeaked Flitwick.   
"Oh, nothing," replied Professor Sinistra sweetly.   
What she had actually said, however, was, "Stupid be-Charter-Marked hobo-woman... worse than Hermione... moving in on my territory... not fair... threatening my status as official staff rent-a-girlfriend... not fair... I oughta...."

  
  
Sinistra continued to rant under her breath but it was mostly extremely inappropriate and will not be recorded here.   
  
Since Harry was out cold, Ron watched disinterested as "Fowl, Artemis" was sorted into Slytherin, (I mean, he is portrayed as cunning and ambitious in the books right?) "Sue, Mary" and, "Evans, Mark" into Gryffindor. Hermione was buried in Fanficiton Statistics for_ Dummies Edition 2_ trying to memorize it in record time.

After the Sorting finally finished, Harry woke up very conveniently just in time to enjoy the feast. But all of a sudden, there was a crackle of lighting. There was a boom of terribly frightening, creepy, spooky, terrifying, horrifying, fear-inducing thunder (the author accidentally spilt coffee on her thesaurus, preventing her from going on any further.) The wind seemed to blow even harder than usual. The lights dimmed and turned an extremely angsty, suspenseful purple. The sound of rain echoed throughout the hall. All was--   
"Oh get on with it already!" snapped Hermione from over her book.   
The doors blew open, and in the darkness, a figure could be distinguished, discerned, seen--damn that coffee! The lights suddenly flickered back to normal.   
A girl stood in the doorway. She smiled, nearly blinding people with the brilliance of her immaculate white teeth. Everybody stared, and not just because she was breathtakingly gorgeous. She looked exactly like Hermione.   
"Who are you?" Harry asked, snapping out of his angsty reverie for about five seconds.   
"I," she said sweetly, "am Hermine."   
"And I," came a voice from a figure who had just materialized next to her ("AGH! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? HOW MANY TIMES?"), "am Darco."   
"And I," yet another figure told them, "am Rems."   
"We," they all chorused, "are your doubles."   
"Your exact replicas..." continued Hermine.   
"Your clones, almost..." Darco picked up seamlessly just as Hermine stopped speaking.   
"You might say," finished Rems, "your typo twins."   
  
------------

Note: Typo twins are the creation of whoever wrote "Sabriel, Lirael, and a Sheep".

---------------

One of the typo twins, who looked exactly like Legolas but for his extremely boxy and chunky-looking butt, emerged from the crowd and spoke up in Legolas's trademark irritatingly sarcastic and arrogant voice.   
"My name is Legoarse. Legoarse Greentea, hereafter known as Lego*cough* so that the rating of this fic doesn't go up any higher than it has to. I am here to destroy my twin to avenge (insert EXTREMELY complicated and long evil action of Legolas here.)!!!"   
  
Legolas cowered behind the horde of screaming fangirls who had been curling his long blonde hair.   
  
"Are you a man or a mouse?" Lego*cough* inquired in an exaggeratedly melodramatic fashion, at which point equally melodramatic duel music began playing in the background.   
  
"Errr, neither, dolt," Harry pointed out in an incongruously sullen manner. "He's an ELF, you git."   
  
How Lego*cough* heard this was a mystery, because it was muttered under Harry's breath in a typical teenage fashion, and the typo twin was halfway across a VERY large room. But of course, fanfics don't have to be scientifically or even canonically accurate, so no one noticed this drastic and irritating error, except for Hermione, who began angsting under her breath about it because she had run out of other subjects to be sullen and bitter over.   
  
("ENOUGH WITH THE ASIDES," Rhea shouted at that current author from her position on Artemis's lap, where she was bust being...*no, not that, you PERVERTS*...beaten up for her lunch money, because Artemis had suddenly taken on the stereotypical brutish, stupid minion Slytherin personality that was still lingering around from all those fifth year fics. "HEM HEM," She interrupted the current author again, because I am indeed rambling, at which point I get pissed and shoot one of my custom made **Thor(TM) Author-bolts** at her, killing her until one of the many resident necromancers decides to revive her.)

However, Lego*cough* did hear Harry's remark, and it pissed him off so much that FOR ONCE his perfect character had screwed up, that he decided to skip the long, drawn out duel action sequence, and just stole one of my **_author bolts_**, added some special anti-necromancer spell to it, (which I can't be bothered to describe, except that its colour and name were most certainly DARK and ANGSTY.) and killed Legolas with it. Narda suddenly appeared, ("MAY GOD CONDEMN YOUR MINDLESS SOULS! HOW MANY BLOODY TIMES? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!!!!) took one look at the bodies of her ex-boyfriend and alter-ego, and 

screamed in a very ANGSTY and DARK voice. "Noooo! She's been snogging him!" Except, when Narda said "she," she was pointing to Legolas, and "him" was referring to Rhea.   
  
"Easy mistake," Artemis said, crossing the extremely large room in three steps and taking her hand. "She" - he made her point to Rhea (me) - "and him" - to Leogolas.   
  
"Ooops." Narda blushed. "thanks." 

  
"No problem. Wanna snog a real man?" said Artemis who, incidentally, was still thirteen. He took Narda by the hand and lead her out of the room.   
  
The remaining characters looked around at each other, confused.


	15. Chapter 15

Dumbledore blinked a few times looking confused.   
"Ahem... all first years should note the forest is out of bounds... the list of forbidden items can be veiwed at Flich's office has grown to 7,437 items (4,687 of which were Weasley WIzard Weezes products) And now let the feast beg-"   
However he was cut off as the scene jumped to breakfast the next morning, just as all the Owls were flying in with the post. A barn Owl landed next to Harry with a copy of the Daily Prophet which had startling headline news.   
  
  
**DUST BUNNIES OF DOOM TAKE CONTROL OF EGYPT**   
_Last Monday, the Dust Bunnies of Doom (The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom's Younger brother) took over __Egypt__ with his/its army of Goblins armed with custard pie spewing bazookas. Of course nobody cares as in 76.53357906857% of fanfictions everybody totally forgets about what's going on in the outside world._

"So why the heck are you telling us, then?" Harry muttered under his breath.   
  
"Custard Pie Spewing Bazookas?" said Hermione in a shrill voice. Everyone stared at her from their dark-circle surrounded eyes, scowls knitting their brows. "Oh, sorry," she said in a ANGSTY voice. "Forgot. So, anyway...Custard Pie Spewing Bazookas?"   
  
Ron banged his fists on the table in a very ANGRY way. "Yeah, Hermione, that's what it said!"   
  
Hermione gave him a very rude gesture (which will not be described, in continued hopes to keep this PG-13), that was so unlike her giddy-boy loving self that was in existence last year. Ginny gasped. Harry kicked her from under the table. "DARK and ANGSTY, remember?" he hissed.   
  
"_Anyway_, what I was going to say about the Custard Pie Spewing Bazookas was the only way to defeat them is to use one of the (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition)'s. You see, the Orange Seashells of Happiness aren't the only (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition) in existence. Ten different (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition) are known to exist. Each have a different power. I suggest we try to learn more about the Orange Seashells of Happiness to see if they can be wielded against the Custard Spewing Bazooka Goblins."   
Harry scowled deeply, for he knew from past experience that the Seashells would end up being the bane of his DARK ANGSTY TROUBLED mood.   
"Can't we employ one of the other nine (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition)s?" He growled.   
"Well there is the (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition) #2: the Purple silk-covered Toaster of Power... but all that does is make toast.." Hermione said frowning.   
"What's (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition) #3?"   
  


"The Mauve Diamond-Encrusted Dinner Roll of Sleet," said Rems matter-of -factly. Everybody scowled because he was cramping their angsty style by not wearing black and being sullen 24/7. "Well, sleet is a weather condition!" he snapped. "...Sorta..." He continued to get scowls. "Oh fine!" he shouted grumpily. "I'll angst!" Rems adopted a mournful, "I'm-a-monster-and-I-hate-myself-and-the-world-is-so-prejiduced-against-me-and-I-might-as-well-just-shoot-myself-in-the-head" look--   
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" shouted Professor Lupin from the staff table (for he had, as he always does, come back to Hogwarts--but he came back very angstily, or course!) "I patented that look back in '71!" Rems glared at him, and walked away from the table.   
"Well," said Hermine, "even we typo twins can have angsty forbidden romances!" She smiled, and she and Rems walked out of the hall, holding hands, to snog in a broom closet and angst. Darco would have felt left out, but at the moment he was too busy attemping (and failing) to breakdance atop the Hufflepuff table. The Hufflepuffs were glaring at him. Angstily.

"I don't like the idea of something mauve and shiny in this fanfiction," another author's blantant self-insertion, Kelpy Lion, said from her seat where she'd been discussing poetry and other equally angsty things with her housemates, shaking her head and scowling deeply. (She had ironically been sorted into Ravenclaw before the hat even touched her head.)"Mauve and shiny...that is SO not angsty enough. As this ANGST fanfic's official omniscient entity/angsty poetess, I declare that the key to your troubles is The Grey Asbestos Care-Bear of ANGST." She paused, and a perplexed expression overcame her face. "Oh, no, I don't know how to use it, though."   
  
Everyone in the Great Hall scowled at her angstilly.   
  
"Oh," said Harry with sullen resentment. "I guess that means we'll have to go on some sort of extremely arduous and emotionally painful adventure to find out, then, won't we?"   
  
"Yes, then," Ron agreed with a sigh of great despair. "We'll have to go to-he shuddered in fear-Care-A-Lot, the place of no angst, to look it up."   
  
There were many depressed and sullen sighs at this, and a couple of people committed suicide for no reason except holding up the angsty atmosphere.   
  
"Ooooh, Care Bears," Ginny giggled happily. "I have this Cheer Bear shirt that, like, SOOO goes with my Avril-style tie and..."   
One of the resident necromancers temporarily killed her, so that our heroes (and a couple of new additions, of course) could set out on their adventure, once again ignoring their classes, except, of course, for Necromancy.

  
"Well," Hermione said, "We WOULD have to go on some sort of extremely arduous and emotionally painful adventure to find the item under normal circumstances, but for the sake of humor, the item has been placed within a broom closet of the fourth floor."

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Darco, Leia, and :) ran up to the aforementioned broom closet.   
"Ahem, guys," said Hermione. "Drumroll, please... but make it an ANGSTY drumroll..." As her companions complied (yay! Alliteration!), she threw open the door, to reveal....   
  
Guess! Come on, guess what it is!   
Yup, it's very obvious. But guess anyway!   
COME ON ALREADY!   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Okay, screw that.   
  
It was Rems and Hermine... er... well, it would be better if we kept this an angsty fic, not a smut fic. Plus, you don't really want to know.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" shrieked Hermine. After about five minutes of screaming, she stopped to actually INHALE, and Rems picked up where she had left off.   
"Typo twins are more similar to us than I had ever dreamed," said Hermione. Angstily.   
"I don't think I want to know what that means, Hermione," Harry muttered. Darkly. Hermione picked up the Grey Asbestos Care-Bear of ANGST, and they slunk off towards the only class that actually mattered because it was dark and gloomy--Necromancy. Darco had started beheading chipmunks and sucking out their bodily fluids, and :) had been deemed too bright and cheerful for the fic, so Ron knocked him out with a hammer and dragged him into a broom closet.

  
Since classes are only ever REFERRED TO in fanfiction, we shall now skip to the end of the lessons.   
"Now let's discuss a theory we learned that only I remember and will become a major plot point later in the story," Hermione suggested with an extremely bored sigh.   
"No, Hermione, no!" Ron burst out suddenly, choking back tears. "Stop being so cheerful. You're ruining my teenage brooding of my newly realized love for you!"   
  
As this was occurring in the middle of a corridor, there ought to have been a crowd staring at the famous not-yet-couple's argument, but such outbursts were so common these days that no one noticed.   
  
Hermione looked upward and scowled.   
"Excuse me? I am supposed to be the one bursting into tears here." She looked down in disgust and kicked a wall angrily.   
"Dammit, Ron, that was supposed to be _my_ line. Now we have to spend five more chapters working out our problems by sleeping with all the other characters to make each other jealous-"   
  
"aHEM," Ginny coughed from the nearby closet where she was snogging Darco. "We're trying to keep this PG13, Hermione," she said admonishingly.   
  
Hermione responded with a string of rude words which Ron strategically coughed over to maintain the rating. "I don't give a *cough* about your *cough*ing rating," she spat snidely, her voice rising to a clear shout. "*cough*ing the other characters contributes a whole *cough*ing lot more to the angstiness than your safe little snog sessions!"   
  
In typical angst fic fashion, Hermione stormed off to her studies-or perhaps to *cough* burn off her anger*cough* on Snape in the nice, angsty dungeons.   
  
Harry marched off to comfort Ron, who had started trudging down the hallway, sobbing. Seeing that out usual heroes were absorbed in their love lives, Ginny disentangled herself from Darco, picked up Nihilist Bear, who had been ruthlessly tossed on the floor, and marched off to find the rainbow rescue beam to transport them all to Care-A-Lot.

Harry was practicing feeling angsty when a loud blast of Beethoven's 5th filled the school.   
  
_duh__ duh duh DUH_   
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YOU'RE RUINING THE ANGST!"   
  
_duh duh duh DUH_   
  
An angry mob proceded to the tower to destroy the obstruction to their angst, but little did they know I was a skilled wielder of the noble pitchfork – A High Knight of Blank  
  
...

**SUDDENLY, OUT OF THE SHADOWS STEPPED **  
In accordance to the Spoof on Fanfiction Code Section IV   
Weird Al Yankovic, in a Care Bear suit.   
  
"LALALALALALALALALALA," said Weird Al, "I have just returned to my own world from Care-a-lot, what a great place that Care-a-Lot is, so happy, so great, so non-angsty, YAYAYAYAYAYAY!"   
  
The angst-ridden Hogwarts students winced. They had found themselves confronted with the least angst-ridden person in existence. None knew how to react.   
  
After spending what seemed like an eternity gaping like a wide-mouthed bass, they returned to the Gryffindor common room to listen to depressing classical music. However, much to their delight (since this is an angsty fic, delight is bad, dismay is good), Weird Al and Peeves had replaced their angsty album with the soundtrack to The Care Bears Movie.   
  
The angsty characters couldn't control themselves. They were suddenly, and unfashionably, happy. After skipping around the common room with glee, they suddenly found themselves faced with, the ruler of all angst, the greatest angsty musician who ever lived.

Thunder crackled darkly across the sky, and it began pouring rain-no, strike that, this is an angst fic-it began pouring BLOOD! Everyone's mood was much worsened. (by which I mean improved.) A dark cloud of gas erupted in the Gryffindor fireplace, covering Hermione, who was sitting next to it, in ash.   
  
"Dammit! I _JUST_ bought this black hoodie with the bood-drenched pentagram on it at Hot Topic!" she grumbled angrily. but her delight (bad, remember) was replaced with sheer morbitity as the angstiest musician ever stepped out of the shadows-Ozzy Osbourne!   
  
Everyone began muttering darkly to themselves in joy-err, I mean angst. But the spell Ozzy had used to transport himself there had malfunctioned, and the angsty trio soon found themselves faced with another one of the greatest fanfiction cliche`s of all time-Ozzy had been turned into a two year old.

Hermione punched the wall. "NO! NO! NO!" she screamed. "I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THAT CHILD-REARING THING! NO!"   
  
Ron started to point out that Hermione did no child-rearing because her daughter turned into a teenage in the space of a few fanfiction post, but he suddenly remembered that this fic needed more angst, so he stopped himself and leaned darkly against the wall.   
  
Ginny, the poser-angster, picked up the baby Ozzy and placed him on the now black Gryffindor couch. The young Osbourne started mumbling, which was even more incoherent (if that was possible) than his adult speech. Ginny sat next to him, and started cooing.   
  
Someone immediately knocked her out again, because the room was slowly turning back into its cozy self.

  
Suddenly, something dawned on Harry.   
"Hey, not ALL sixth year fics are angst fics, right? There have to be OTHER stereotypes we can ridicule."   
  
Ron glared at him suddenly for a moment, and then grinned widely. Yeah! I'm tired of this angst junk! Let's go search fanfiction.net for inspiration!"   
  
Hermione, who was now suddenly dressed in a pink hoodie, absurdly tight cargo pants, and a rainbow belt, hurriedly summoned up her home computer.   
  
"Oooh, how fun! But let me put on some music, first."   
  
Ginny suddenly stood up from the floor and decided that she had to restore some order to the scene.   
"Hey, wait a sec, you can't use Muggle devices at Hogwarts!"   
  
Someone knocked her out again, mostly because they were getting to like senseless violence.   
  
As the first track off of Hermione's Avril Lavigne CD began playing, the boys looked at each other in terror.   
  
"I think I know what kind of fic this is," Ron gulped.   
  
"Yep. A Hermione as the average fanfiction writer story..." Harry trailed off bleakly. "We have to do something to stop this. Even if it means resorting to slash again."   
  
Ron stared at Hermione, who was headbanging to 'sk8erboi.' "Yeah," he agreed with a look of pure disgust. "ANYthing to stop that."

So they tried nearly everything - including the kitchen sink if you must know - to get Hermione to shut off the horrid rap. __

That only left one choice.   
  
"No not THAT!" Ron groaned.   
"Stop complaining and dial the number! My IQ is dropping at a rate of 14 points a minute!" Harry protested. And indeed, he had a soup bowl - still filled with soup - hot soup might I add strapped to his head and was wearing his shoes in his ears. ("I can hear the ocean in them..." He said dreamily)   
"Ok ok." Ron dialed the hotline.   
"So you have need of ny services?" The voice on the other line cackled.   
"Hey this is only as a last resort you know!"   
"Be right there kid."   
_Click. _  
Suddenly there was an explosion that knocked everyone off their feet as the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of **DOOM** entered through the breached wall with a couple of evil (lobsters are already pink anyway - aren't they?) fluffy lobsters of Doom at his command.

Hermione, who had now begun rapping (to everybody's horror except for Ginny's and Colin's) to "Nobody's Fool", looked up and said, "LyKe IzNnT AvReL sO lYkE ToTaLlY kEwL???????????? N sOoOoOoOoOoO pUnK rAwK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111" Ron gave a piercing shriek at the abominable chatspeak and fainted.

A sudden bolt of lightning from across the common room marked the return of the AUTHOR BOLTS. But these weren't just any AUTHOR BOLTS, these were AUTHOR BOLTS 3.14, designed to eliminate all pop culture in a single strike. Pi Merizar wound up and threw an AUTHOR BOLT at the CD player, destroying the Avril Latrine (oops, I mean Lavigne) CD forever. Pi then replaced the CD, which had vanished into thin air, with one of her personal favorites, Tom Petty and the Heartbreaker's The Last DJ. Immediately the blaring criticism of the music industry began.   
  
Hermione, angered by the destruction of her sacred Avril CD, stealthily crept over and stole an AUTHOR BOLT 3.14 from the quiver at Pi's back. She was all set to throw when it went off in her hand. She had been wearing a pentagram ring at the time, and the pop culture in that was enough to set the AUTHOR BOLT 3.14 off. While she screamed in anguish, everyone else was listening intently to the lyrics of Joe and realizing how wrong they had been to worship pop culture and its trends. They retreated to their dorms to don some proper wizard clothes, while Hermione sank back into a chair. Even Ginny and Colin had gone off to turn into nonconformists.   
  
"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!," screamed Cuaron, "YOU HAVE RUINED MY VISION. MY DIRECTING CAREER IS OVER!!!! YOU NONCONFORMING BRAT" he said, turning to Pi, "YOU CAUSED ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!" Pi slowly raised an AUTHOR BOLT and threw it at his head, for his mind was complete pop culture, and she could destroy his brain with one throw of the AUTHOR BOLT. 

Suddenly, Kelpy stepped out of the shadows.   
  
Ron looked perplexed. "Wait, you've already been introduced. You don't have to do that."   
  
"I'm not Kelpy Lion," the girl answered haughtily. I'm-"She scowled and looked up at the ceiling, as if trying to remember something. "SHOOT!!!, I forgot my real name. I have to look it up in the script now! My entrance is RUINED!"   
  
As Not-Kelpy looks for her real name, Kelpy shall now depart on a long, unneccesary aside about her appearance. In accordance with the Fanfiction code #12.56.97, the character's description, if she is a girl, must include at least three (3) of the following words:   
  
*translucent   
*shimmering   
*cascaded   
*sparkled   
*sculpted   
*elegant   
*spunky   
*tall   
*jet-black   
*violet   
*accent   
*mischievous   
*mysterious   
*aura   
*powerful   
  
Also in accordance to this section, this description may not contain the words (excepting that these words are negated)   
*average   
*boring   
*robes   
*Hufflepuff   
*normal   
*unfriendly   
  
Furthermore, in the event that the new character is NOT a Gryffindor, the character must later on prove to either be at least ONE (1) of the following:   
*evil   
*insane   
*killed off   
*saving the day with intelligence/cunning (Ravenclaws and Slytherins, respectively)   
*Dirty and promiscuous, existing only to promote new and interesting love traingles.   
*In alliance with the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers, textbook, or eye-glasses of DOOOOOOOM.   
  
Character MUST have some sort of mysterious past, which may include:   
*some bizarre inherited trait (eg. She is daughter of Voldemort, and thus very cunning. Alternately, daughter of pink fuzzy bunny slippers of DOOOOOM, and has pink bunny ears.)   
  
*Special magical super power, including necromancy, mind-reading, prophecy, wandless magic, shape-changing, or just extreme magical ability, ALWAYS greater than Hermione's.   
  
*Was beaten/raped/tortured/forced to be evil by parents   
  
*Has no parents   
  
*Was parented by something evil, and thus is pink and fluffy.   
(Often is a necromancer, thus being given the subtitle of "Pink, Fluffy Necromancess.")   
  
*Was raised by sentient magical creatures (eg. Unicorns, elementals, mermaids, centaurs, werewolves, elves, etc.)   
  
*IS a sentient magical being   
  
*Is child of main adult characters   
  
OR   
  
*Is destined to some mysterious fate, which MUST include mortal peril and ANGSTINESS.   
  
Subnote: As character must always be dressed in a charming/beautiful/sexy/cute/mysterious manner, she is not required to wear MOLDY SHORTS while participating in acts of evilness.   
  
Not-Kelpy was still searching for her real name, so the omniscient narrator will proceed with his/her aside on her appearance, following all tenants of Fanfiction Code #12.56.97. Breaking this code shall result in offending author spending six (6) weeks imprisoned in a 4x4x15 ft. Bottomless Pit of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, or by wearing MOLDY SHORTS for the above-mentioned amount of time.

At that moment there was a exclamation from the other side of the room and everyone turned to see the (for the sake of making typing easier the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom shall henceforth be known as the Evil PBS of Doom) brandishing item #5, The Sock of Doom, an ordinary dirty mustard sock (sound familiar?) until it had been infused with evil necromantic power. The Evil PBS of Doom inserted the Sock where people's feet usually go in a pair of slippers.

But of course, if the bad guy gets more powerful, Chapter 4 Section 47 of the Guide to Structuring a Story says the good guy must acquire a newfound power that will defeat the "baddie." And lo and behold, an Owl, which had enormous eyebrows an a hoot that sounded of death, swooped in from overhead dropping a package at Harry's feet   
  
Here follows an EDITED excerpt from my old fanfiction that failed:   
  
_Harry's present was Item #6: a strange looking glue gun with many different buttons. When Harry pressed the first one, a small screen popped up.   
"This is your W.G.G., a Wizard Glue Gun! It has many uses!" a voice coming from the screen said, "This button activates Wizard TV! The second button will reverse almost any action of this contraption. For example-"   
Harry pressed the second button, and the screen went away. When Harry pressed the third button, a big disco ball, strange lights and thirty Radioactive Hyper Charged Biohazardis Dancing Hamsters with Color Changing Fur popped up and proceeded to wreck the Common Room. The fourth button released a big cloud of purple smoke. Harry couldn't see so he pressed the fifth button. A big glop of glue mixed with orange soda squirted into his face.   
"AAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH I CAN'T SEEEEEEE!!"   
  
He then fell out the window and lost consciousness._

  
[End Excerpt]

The faces of people were swimming above his gloppy face.   
  
"Harry? Harry? Helloooo?" Hermione was saying.   
  
Harry opened his eyes. He was laying on a well-placed bush (which seemed to be everywhere anyway), his glasses broken in two, but still on his face. Hermione was kneeling beside him, but Ron was standing far off, his arms crossed, muttering something about "everything happening to Harry."   
  
He sat up. "What-what happened?"   
  
She glanced up at Ron, because as he said this, screams came from the Common Room.   
  
"Well," came a hoarse voice, "the hamsters are still rampaging in the castle and you got hit in the face with glue and orange soda, the secretion of the Orange Seashells of Happiness."   
  
There was a collective "ew", and Harry quickly wiped the stuff off his face. He turned around, and the person who had spoken moved into his range of vision. Remus Lupin stood there with the glue gun.

Then... the surroundings swirled and... BEHOLD! A giant TV screen had appeared in front of them. And on the screen was a remake (_faithful_ remake except for a few edited scenes) of the movie Singing in the Rain; Starring Gilderoy Lockhart as lead role, and Snape, Mcgonagall, Quirell, and Moody as secondary roles. Did I mention it also included Dumbledore with Superman-like-powers?

Dammit," Hermione cursed angrily, "I WANT TO READ FANFICS!" And then she unplugged the TV. They went back over to her computer and surfed over to fanfiction.net. After reading a couple of fics and being enlightened by the fanfic writers' knowledge, they decided to...*gasp* write their own.   
  
"How do we do that?" Ron asked.   
  
"First," Hermione informed them, "We need to choose a title. Like 65% of the fics on here, this is going to be a romance....I have just the book."   
She whipped out her "Fanfic Writer's Guide to the Internet." and flipped to 'romance titles.'   
  
"Okay, here we are...let's just choose!"   
  
Nouns commonly found in the titles of smutty romance fics:   
  
Nouns:   
  
Names of any of the characters in the books   
Desire   
lovers   
Passion   
Body   
Love   
Heart   
Diamond   
Ruby   
Sapphire   
Crystal   
(or any other precious metal.)   
Bay, Valley, Grove   
(or any other possibly secretive location.)   
Wedding   
Ring   
Bride   
Bridegroom   
(or any other word related to matrimony.)   
Forever   
Night   
Dawn   
Dusk   
Evening   
(or any other time of day that lacks light.)   
Embrace   
Kiss   
Secret   
Bed   
Dream   
Attraction   
Curtain   
Baby   
Duke   
Prince   
Baron   
Earl   
(or any other male (occasionally female) royalty)   
intrigue   
Heat   
breath   
man   
lie   
woman   
stranger   
Winter   
Spring   
Summer   
Autumn(NEVER

Wind   
Rose   
(or any other suitibly romantic flower/plant.)   
Virgin   
Destiny   
Fate   
moon   
star   
shadow   
silence   
  
Adjectives:   
  
Scarlet   
Burgundy   
(or any other color related to passion/innocence)   
Lace   
Velvet   
Silk   
(or any other luxurious/expensive fabric)   
Passionate   
Endless   
Forbidden   
Unrequited   
Secret   
Pregnant   
Precious   
Virgin   
Destined   
Times of day lacking light, used as adjectives(see above)   
Precious stones used as adjectives(see above)   
Cold   
Silver   
(Or any other precious metal)   
fatal   
savage   
wild   
sinful   
decadent   
lustful   
(or anything else implying total lack of restraint.)   
innocence   
dutiful   
faithful   
(any other adjective implying innocence.)   
Tropical   
desperate   
  
That- 

"Ok, ok we get the point!"

So they selected a couple random words in the list and stuck them together. Screw grammer. 16.84903% of writers can't even spell their own name.   
  
Category: Books Harry Potter   
Genre: Romance   
Secondary Genre: Junk   
Title: Love. . . Forbidden. . . Diamond. . . Bridegroom. . . Duke. . . Lie. . .  Cheese. . .Pregnant. . . Lustful . . . Tropical. . . H+H+R+D+C+G+EIB Triangle   
  
"EIB?"   
"Everyone in the building." Hermione said. Hermione reads everything of course. Including the fine print contest rules on the inside of those candy wrappers that have those "Win 1,000,000,000 Dollars Instantly."

"Everybody in the building, huh?" asked Lirael (who had popped up from the middle of nowhere for no conceivable reason, which made NO sense whatsoever, seeing as she was not a witch and couldn't even apparate if she were, being inside Hogwarts and all). "That includes crossovers and typo twins, right?"   
"Yup," said Hermione grumpily. Clearly, she was pissed at having the "No Apparating" rule which she had insisted was real for so many times being broken to the nth power.   
"Ooh, goody," she replied very cheerfully. "Then I'm off to do sordid things with Snape, Flitwick, and Fang to establish my own section of the love triangle."   
"I CALL REMUS!" screamed Hermione, as though Professor Lupin were a particularly nice seat in a school cafeteria.

Suddenly, down from the ceiling of Hogwarts fell a blonde girl in ridiculously perfect clothes.   
"Like, HELLO!" she squealed happily. "Seeing as this fic is starting to get less angsty, I just, like, figured that it would be like the perfect time for me to join in with the crossover-y fun!"   
Everybody just kind of stared and blinked.   
"Like, I'm Lizzie Maguire!" she shouted after about five minutes of staring and blinking. "Beloved of all ten-year old girls! Disney's darling!"   
It was at this point when they started to scream and two young ladies fell screaming from the Sacred Crossover Entrance Portal in the Ceiling.   
"AGH!" screamed Ron. "NO! ANYTHING BUT LIZZIE MAGUIRE! WE CANNOT HAVE YOUR DISNEY-ISH CRAP CONTAMINATE OUR--ER--WONDERFUL STORY!"   
"AND *I* CAN'T STAND HAVING YOU ON THE SAME CHANNEL AS ME!" roared the woman who had fallen from the ceiling first, who was wearing a futuristic jumpsuit and a really hate-laden expression. "ALWAYS GETTING HATED, WHEN *YOU* AND YOUR DUMBASS FRIENDS ARE ADORED BY THE MASSES!"   
Hermione conjured up a pitchfork from the middle of nowhere, and shouted:   
"KILL IT!" The majority of the school started pursuing Lizzie Maguire, chanting "KILL IT! KILL IT!" leaving the second woman behind.   
"Uh... Wade?" she asked, pressing buttons on what looked like a Gameboy. "Wade?... Hello?..." However, Wade did not answer, so after a couple minutes, she grabbed a harpoon out of the air with the power of Random Plot Devices and ran off in the direction that the angry mob had gone, screaming, "KILL IT! KILL IT!"

Suddenly, from the Crossover Portal in the ceiling fell a short boy with messy hair. He looked confused for a moment, then asked, "Where's Lizzie?"   
  
Seeing as everyone had joined the angry mob, there was no one in the hall to answer him. But Gordo is a smart boy, so he followed the sounds of pillaging and plundering that were echoing through the halls. He pushed his way to the front of the mob, grabbed Lizzie and hid in a broom closet.   
  
The angry mob was now a sad mob because they could not find their quarry. Most of them decided to return to their common rooms and be angsty. Meanwhile, in the closet, Gordo was FINALLY telling Lizzie how he felt about her, though anyone with half a brain could tell from the Ronnie episode that he was deeply in love with her.   
  
But then Hermione opened the closet door, and, of course, interrupted Gordo's declaration.   
  
"Hey," she said with what she obviously thought was a sexy smile. "You're that really smart kid on Lizzie McGuire, aren't you?"   
  
But before she could start plotting how best to steal him away from that airhead Lizzie, the Black Pearl sailed into the hallway. Captain Jack Sparrow yelled, "I have heard news of the Ancient Pinwheels of Death!"


	16. Death of Pinwheels Ancient The

"According to this map, they can be found deep within the bowels of the McDonalds store on Magnolia Cresent." He declared.

Out of nowhere (not the crossover portal, just someplace else) Rhea appeared again. "Captain Jack Sparrow!" she squealed. "You're so utterly sexy!" And, without another word, she (I) dragged him into the nearest closet. Well, not exactly "dragged." You know, he's a pirate. He went willingly.

The jumpsuit woman was still looking for Lizzie, muttering stuff like, "The adolescents love her, the adolescents hate me, surely my animation's not THAT bad, not fair, not fair, stab Lizzie to death, not fair..." Then she paused, and looked to the closet next to her intently.   
"You're in there, aren't you?" she snapped, holding up her hands, which were now flaming, threateningly. "I know you are! My Shego-sense is TINGLING!" Never mind that Shego had said that at least 500 times, only to find various angsty-looking couples doing sordid things. This time, that stupid blonde HAD to be in there!   
*BAM*   
Shego had blasted open the door, and she had (amazingly) been right. Lizzie was watching with a look of deep disgust and interest, at Gordo and Hermione.   
"Uh, Gordo?" she asked, rather weakly. "Could you find a different closet? And wasn't *I* supposed to be your one true love?"   
"Ew," muttered Shego. Then she remembered that she wanted to kill Lizzie brutally and slowly, and shouted, "DEMONIC BAD TV SHOW CHARACTER! DIE! DIE! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"   
"NEVER!" screamed Lizzie, looking more like one of those dumb Amazon Warrior Women than like the ditzy teenager that she was. "YOU CANNOT CONQUER ME, FOR MY SHOW IS MORE POPULAR THAN YOURS!"   
Dead silence.   
"AND I HAVE..." Lizzie gave the standard dramatic pause, before continuing, "MARY-SUE POWER!"   
"And is that supposed to scare me? ME, the one who's wanted in eleven countries and can shoot plasma from my hands?"   
"Well," Hermione pointed out from the floor, "You DO always get beaten by a teenager by the end of the show."   
"Oh SHUT--" But Shego could not go any further, for Lizzie's eyes had started to glow blue. Blue, apparently, was the new Mary-Sue spooky 'I'm using my powers now, and they're positively godly, so get out of the way or you'll be burnt into ashes... I might annihilate a small town as it is, you see...' eye color. Lizzie was suddenly transformed into a marvelous, glowing, ethereal, luminescent, gorgeous, and extremely hot goddess, and she hovered about a thousand feet up in the air, despite the fact that the broom closet was not exactly spacious. The very air crackled with intense, marvelous, magical power, and very soon, there was a huge burst, a vibrant explosion, a powerful blast of light.   
Then all was dark, and all was still.   
"Damnit," said Lizzie grumpily, "doing that always wrecks havoc on my hair, and now I've chipped my manicure besides!" Hermione and Gordo were staring up at her, blinking.   
As for Shego, she was just kind of standing there, looking very dazed. Then all of a sudden, she started to giggle.   
"Like, that was just like so totally awesome!" she exclaimed, smiling in a completely ridiculous, stupid sort of way that still made her look positively gorgeous. "Could I borrow some of your lipgloss?"

Little do the young children who watch Lizze Maguire know that that foul actor's mission is to use her special powers to turn them all into Mary-Sues, or, as we call 'em in the real world, brainless little ditzes...

And of course 7.20538% of stories don't have anything to do with Harry Potter at all, and are just so people can post their impossible daydreams on the internet and call it Harry Potter related, so it must be mentioned I, _Savage, was currently in the Great Hall stuffing my face.   
-------------   
Note: I do not daydream about eating food._

(I swear they've got subliminal messages in that show, like, _"Watch Disney Channel, see Disney movies, become obsessed with Lizzie Maguire and Kim Possible, go to the Disney theme-parks located all over the world, buy Mickey Mouse hats, BRING US MORE MONEY!"_ Not that I like Lizzie Maguire, of course.)   
  
So, naturally, while Lizzie and Shego were chatting merrily about purses (Shego attracted to the green ones, Lizzie to the pink), another person popped out of the Portal of Cross-overs.   
  
Actually, four people. Four men dressed in bright colors. And, as if almost programmed to, they starting dancing. Dancing like no man in his right mind would. But, of course, these men were not in their right mind. They were...the WIGGLES!   
  


Ron pushed the quill Hermione was holding away from the parchment they were pouring over. "The _what_?"   
  
She rolled his eyes at him. "The Wiggles. A group of four British men that 'wiggle', or dance, for preschoolers' (or younger) entertainment."   
  
When Ron and Harry still looked perplexed, she said, "They have a show on the Disney Channel in the mornings, supposedly when all preschoolers are watching TV."   
  
"Oooooh!"   
  
Everybody stared at the Wiggles, except for Lizzie, who was rambling on about purses.   
"Yeah, but green clashes with my lipstick," she was saying. "And speaking about lipstick, you should really change yours. Black is SO depressing."   
"Uh, Lizzie?" asked Gordo. "Look at the men in front of you."   
Lizzie actually looked at the Wiggles, and immediately started staring in utter horror, just like everybody else. Quickly, they all fell into an unnatural trance. In their heads, the Wiggles were slowly planting subliminal messages with their awful dancing.   
"Buy our stuuffff...." they whispered in their minds. "Join... the... navy... Watch... Disney...24/7... Give... me... 50... bucks... Oh, and blonde girl? Snog me. You're hot."   
"Holy CRAP!" screamed a woman from behind the Wiggles in perfect Strong Bad fashion (apparently she had fallen from the portal too). She looked exactly like Shego.   
"Who are you?" asked Hermione, who had managed to snap out of her Wiggle-induced stupor.   
"Shigo," she said matter-of-factly. "Shego has at least a million typo twins, you see."   
"Yeah," added another woman, "I'm Sheego, and the one banging her head against the wall is Sheggo."   
"STUPID--NAME--OH--HOW--I--HATE--IT!" screamed the aforementioned Sheggo.   
"And we would like to know just WHAT you did to our original spelling," snapped Sheego.   
"You don't talk like Hermine, Rems, and Darco," Hermione pointed out.   
"They're from a good book series," explained Shigo, "We're from a bad TV show."   
"That should make no difference."   
"Oh, just shut up." The other typo twins had already fallen under the hypnotic spell of the Wiggle's dancing. It was kind of like the Dummi Bears, but not quite. Hermione smacked Lizzie across the face.   
"WAKE UP!" she screamed. "THE TYPO TWINS WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING!"   
  
"You know, Hermione, you seem to be sticking in Shego more often that you ought to. What happened to Lizzie and Gordo? Do you LIKE the show or something"   
  
"SHUT UP, RON!" Hermione roared.   
  
"Okay," Ron muttered, "okay, don't eat me."   
  
"Crap," thought Hermione. "Let's just pray he doesn't get any idea of my big thing for Rolie Polie Olie."   
  
"But Hermione," Harry pointed out. "You've completely left out the part about Captain Sparrow and the Ancient Pinwheels of Death that are hidden in the McDonalds."   
  
"It isn't as if this has to make sense, Harry," Hermione said in a superior fashion, rolling her eyes at his ignorance of the ff rules. But then she looked deep into his green eyes, saw the sad puppy look in them, and knew that she had to do everything in her power to make him happy.   
  
"So, Mr. Sparrow," Gordo spoke up, over the fashion talk that was going on all around him. (He was very glad to have such a masculine person to talk to, being very tired of the girl talk Lizzie and the long missing Miranda subjected him to.) "What were you saying about these Ancient Pinwheels of Death? And do you know a place where I could pick up some tomato ice cream?"   
  
Jack looked up at Gordo through his heavily made up eyes and smiled. "I can take you to the A.P. of D.," he said. "But only if you get Harry Potter to come with us. Savvy?"

Lizzie, Shego, and the typo twins stood and blinked.   
  
"Oh, forget you!" snapped Hermione. "Just go back to Disney already." She smacked Shego across the face with her... erm... Mary-Sue Reversal Slap of Power--   
  


"Mary-Sue Reversal Slap of Power? What the--"   
  
"I'm strapped for ideas here, okay Ron?"   
  
--and returned her to her usual, minion-y self. Shego and the typo twins jumped back up through the Crossover Portal. However, Lizzie still stood there blinking.   
  
"LEAVE!" snapped Hermione. "...But you, of course, can stay here," she added seductively to Gordo.   
  
"I refuse to leave!" Lizzie said, applying some of her cherry-flavored lip gloss at the same time. Hermione paused, then her own eyes glowed blue, and a freaky angelic sounding choir started singing in the background.   
  
"Then I have no choice," she intoned majestically. "I call upon Marina Christina Arwen Arielle Frangelico, the great goddess of Mary-Sues (or one of them anyway), to take all of the Disney characters who really should not be there, except for Gordo, and place them in their respective universes."   
  
"Even Kim?" asked Harry wistfully.   
  
"Especially Kim," snarled Hermione.   
  
After about all of the cheesy special effects in the book had been pulled (fountains of fire, screaming woman, seraphim flying around and singing, fireworks, whirlpools, flying phoenixes, etc.) there was nobody left from the Disney channel, except for Gordo...   
  
And Lizzie.   
  
"WHAT?" screamed Hermione. Ron grinned, and she blushed. His perfect teeth... they were enough to make a girl melt into a pile of screaming girlish glee...   
  
"HA!" laughed Lizzie. "You cannot do anything to me, Hermione, for I--"   
  
There was a big flash of light. Lizzie was now a pink, fluffy little wombat. Harry almost screamed at the sight of the pink and fluffiness.   
  
"SHUT UP!" shrieked the wombat. "SHUT UP!"

"FORGET THE WOMBAT!" screamed Jack Sparrow, who did not like having the attention not focused on him. "REMEMBER ME AND THE ANCIENT PINWHEELS OF DEATH? HELLO?"

And so they set sail. (It is uncertain how many people were on the ship.) However I believe I should mention that Captain Sparrow stupidly left _Savage_ in charge while he went below deck to play video games which most unfortunately resulted in the ship crashing on a Tropical Island in the middle of nowhere. I would also like to mention that poor _Savage_ ended up with his head rammed through the steering wheel. And Rhea, who had been down playing video games with Jack Sparrow ("Captain! Captain Jack Sparrow!") was tragically thrown into his lap. No one, however, cared very much about what happened to Savage, so they left him there while they explored the island.   
  
Captain Sparrow led the way, followed closely by Gordo, Hermione, Harry and Ron. (It is unclear, even to the Great One, who else might be on the island, but according to the code of ff's, that is not nearly as important as getting Gordo and Hermione into the nearest bush, pronto!) He led them into a clearing, where he lifted a trap door to reveal (what else) but a fully staffed McDonalds.   
  
The fast food restaurant was featuring their new salads, made with sixteen types of the freshest lettuce, and the classic Big Mac consisting of two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce and onion on a seasame seed--   
  
"What is this, an advertisement for McDonald's?" Ron asked angrily. "What about the storyline?"   
  
"What storyline?" Hermione shot back. "67.3954% of ffs don't have storylines. And how do you expect to continue the plush and luxurious life of an ff author if we aren't making money from corporate sponsors?"   
  
Ron, of course, could not argue with Hermione's logic.   
  
--bun. Captain Sparrow looked infinitely disappointed. "Why's the rum gone?" he asked sorrowfully of no one in particular.   
  
The trio, however, who were now much more interested in the A.P. of D. than killing Disney characters (luckily for Sparrow and Gordo), grew excited as they realized this must be the McDonalds in which the A.P. of D. were hidden.   
  
Suddenly Hermione (one of the authors) appeared (freaking out the ff Hermione) and shrieked, "The A.P. of D. are hidden in the McDonald's on Magnolia Crescent, you idiots, not on some deserted island!"   
  
No one paid her much attention, though, for they had found the A.P. of D. in the fry cooker. "Mmmm...fries..." murmured Ron, as they all moved closer to the glorious fry cooker.   
  
But the writer-Hermione sprinted in front of the tub of grease, and held out her hands as if she was doing the motions to 'Stop in the Name of Love'. "No! It's unhealthy! Look at that oozing grease and salt and crud! You'll raise the obesity level in the fanfiction world --"   
  
Harry scowled at her and said matter-of-factly, "Hermione, no one's fat in the fan fiction world. We're all thin and model-ish. Poetic License, remember? Even Dudley can be good-looking, if the writer has a bit of a fixation with him."   
  
Ron was making gagging sounds in the background. Hermione looked around desperately and said, "But--but, the McDonald's on Magnolia Crescent is cleaner and healthier!" Nobody seemed to care much, as they were stuffing their faces, and Ginny was examining the A. P. of D. "The fries are better there!"   
  
Everyone stopped, and looked at her. "Fine then!" She clapped her hands, and using the Mary-Sue power she acquired from the much-hated Lizzie McGuire, transported everyone to Magnolia Crescent.   
  
"But Hermione!" Ron exclaimed. "You know that McDonald's is attached to a gas station/grocery store! There could be _Muggles_ in there!"   
  
Hermione didn't care however, because she was concentrating with all her might to keep herself in the fanfic.   
  
Capt. Jack Sparrow immediately spotted the gas station/grocery store, because he happened to be thrown against the glass separated them (Hermione's Mary-Sue power isn't too good), and sauntered, in his heat-affected fashion, into it.   
  
Naturally, everyone else followed, not really concerned with the A. P. of D. that were supposed to be hidden here. Harry gave an exaggerated gasp, and pointed towards the entrance. _"Mrs. Figg!"_

"BAHAHAHAHAHA!" She exclaimed heartily, "MY TWO GOALS IN LIFE HAVE ALWAYS OF OPENING A FAST FOOD CHAIN, AND THE OTHER, TERROIZING LITTLE KIDS! WHAT BETTER WAY TO FUFILL MYSELF THAN COMBINING THEM! IT WAS DEAD EASY! ALL I HAD TO DO WAS MEMORY WIPE RONALD MCDONALD AND STICK HIM SOMEWHERE WEST OF WAJIR, KENJA. THEN THE ENTERPRISE WAS ALL MINE FOR THE TOOKING! BY NOON TOMORROW, ALL THE MCDONALDS STATIONS AROUND THE GLOBE WILL BE RETITLED MCFIGGALDS!**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA****!!!!!!!!!!!"**** *cue lighting***

--------------------------------------  
  
Well that's all the story that's been written so far. Now that this is totally up to date, story will be much slower in coming than before.


	17. The Labrynth

But before Mrs. Figg's evil plan could be thwarted, guideline #47 of the Fanfic Code took affect. This guideline demands one perfectly nonsensical plot twist every chapter, and since author-Hermione takes guidelines very seriously, she had no choice but to create the following scene:  
  
With a puff of smoke that caused our loveable trio to cough violently, the McDonalds disappeared, along with Mrs. Figg, Captain Sparrow (very sadly), and whatever other random characters were around. Harry, Ron and Hermione found themselves standing in what appeared to be a school.  
  
But when the bell rang and the hallway they were standing in filled with students, they could tell this was no ordinary school. All of the pupils seemed to be blonde haired American girls wearing purple togas. Ron and Harry's eyes lit up. This was way better than the ONE beautiful American exchange student they usually got in FFs!  
  
"Where are we?" Hermione muttered.  
  
"Black's School of Magic," one particularly giggly girl answered. "We never get visitors! Follow me!"  
  
"You don't think...?" Harry asked.  
  
But his question was answered when they were led into the Headmaster's office and behind the desk sat none other than Sirius Black.  
  
"You must be surprised to see me, Harry, thinking I was dead and all...But I knew the only way of fulfilling the lifelong dream of myself and your father of opening a magic school in America for beautiful blond witches dressed the school uniform of purple togas was to fake my own death," Sirius explained while being fed grapes by one of his attractive pupils. At that moment, Deputy Headmistress Leia walked in to Sirius's office the next moment. "Dammit, Sirius," she said, emphasizing her harsh but strong personality, which is a characteristic of 64.234% of angsty fanfic Mary Sues. "Where the HECK is my shipment of illegal potions ignore-" She coughed, suddenly noticing the presence of Harry and all the others. "My eggplant nail polish?!!" she finished angrily as if she hadn't interrupted. And though this wasn't just foreshadowing, it was practically fore-full-color- illustration, everyone obliviously ignored her little slip of tongue, only to be shocked and COMPLETELY surprised later in the story when she turned out to be asking for supplies to help her in maliciously aiding the Pink Fluffy __________ of _______. But the sentence was never finished, because at that moment a big ugly horrific disgusting salmon ate Ron. Kelpy's associative mind then linked salmon with Japan, where a surprising number of Mary Sues come from-  
  
Mind: I hope you're being sarcastic there. At least 45% of HP fangirls are also anime-heads and Japan enthusiasts.  
  
Kelpy: Of course I'm being sarcastic! Now will you bloody let me go on with my narration?!?!?  
  
Mind: (Mutters obscenities.)  
  
ANYway, since about 15% of Mary Sues in HP fanfics come from Japan, I will now introduce...  
  
*temple bell rings*  
  
...Kirei Onna, the incredibly beautiful, talented, and dashing daughter of the Japanese Minister of Magic.  
  
"I would introduce myself more politely, but I have a salmon to kill," She said as she apparated into Sirius's office; she proceeded to whip out a pair of nunchucks and beat the wildly flopping 400 lb. fish to death with it/ She then demonstrated her wicked knife wielding skills by gutting the salmon, rescuing Ron, and whipping up some salmon sushi.  
  
After using some unnamed charm to restore herself to her usual ravishing state, Kirei glanced at her watch; the serious expression on her face was suddenly overcome by total joy.  
  
"Suggoi!" she exclaimed, using one of the Japanese words most Anime-ers know. "It's a record-five minutes of heroic/funny/charming behavior, and ALL of the main characters love me!"  
  
Of course, she quickly returned to her demure, charming, talented self and began amusing herself by shooting butterflies out of her wand. What everyone failed to notice was that they were pink and fluffy.  
  
And that was when Savage came in to Sirius' office with the words WET PAINT inscribed on his forehead and a foreboding looking package. Sirius poked the package tentatively. It shuddered. He then signaled to one of his purple-toga-wearing-servants to bring a crowbar. He cautiously opened it. Ever so cautiously. Hermione gasped. Ron recoiled in horror. Savage was smashing his head against the wall multiple times and cracks were starting to form. The Japanese exchange student was now shooting moldy pinkish dragonflies around the room and took no notice. Harry looked at what the package contained- one of the infamous Evil Unopenable Plastic Containers of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM  
  
After Sirius had opened it (which took nearly three weeks consisting of, but not limited to, knife slashes, explosives, mad bloodthirsty hounds, Radioactive jello, throwing it to the giant squid, dropping it from a high tower, sticking it in front of a jukebox playing particularly hideous rap music in hopes that it would melt, setting it on fire, spraying it with pesticide, stomping on it repeatedly, and shouting at it in hopes that it would open. However, all attempts were futile but it was finally opened when Savage acquired a plot device which allowed the Evil Unopenable Plastic Container of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM to open. What was inside it, was possibly more hideous than the Container itself. It contained the Evil Pink Fluffy Towel of Doom, which slithered along the floor, much like a lethifold, described in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, written by J.K.R. It gave off a moldy smell that caused some people to faint.  
  
"Ah... now to extract the venom from it to use in my highly dangerous and illegal potion which the Slippers will reward me greatly for." Leia muttered inaudibly, but angstily and dramatically nonetheless.  
  
Suddenly, a vertically challenged humanoid being with wings, who also appeared to be made mostly out of processed lunch meat, olives, and slices of peppers, came fluttering gracefully through the window, exuding an extremely bizarre odor, and landed with a wet splat on the brim of Leia's cauldron.  
  
"Greetings. I am Spamina, fairy of humor inspiration."  
  
An evil grin spread slowly across Pi's face. Pi's evil grin was quickly replaced with a mixture of horror and disappointment when she realized that Spamina was made out of meat. The flesh of poor, defenseless animals bred just to be slaughtered.  
  
"MEAT IS MURDER!!! DOWN WITH CARNIVORES!!!" she screamed.  
  
Suddenly, in a manner only possible in fanfiction, the characters found themselves at a illegalize meat rally. This rally was being lead by Prince Charming, even though he was supposed to be hosting a ball that night. Cinderella was in the third row from the front, holding a sign that read, "Down With Carnivores!" and had a particularly horrific picture of a T-Rex.  
  
Ron frowned. "Hey, she just blew up one of those from Jurrassic Park."  
  
Hermione sniffed with distain although, being Muggle-born, she should have known the movie. "The T-Rex isn't from the Jurassic Period, Ron."  
  
Suddenly the evil Queen, Prince Charming's mother, appeared in a plume of pink moldy smoke (if you don't know how smoke can be moldy, don't bother asking...) and said to her son, "What do you think you are doing? Fairytale Land is the biggest meat exporter in the non-existent world! If you stop meat production, our entire fortune will vanish and you will have to join Cinderella in serving her evil step-family."  
  
With a sad look at Cinderella, who had stopped waving her t-rex poster and looked dismayed, Prince Charming nodded and left with his mother, just proving how stupid and fickle men are (except the cute guy I talked to in class today.)  
  
"What on earth does that have to do with us?" Hermione demanded.  
  
"I thought you would never ask," cackled a voice that sounded pink and fluffy...  
  
When the owner of the pink and fluffy voice came into view, everyone saw that it was Artemis Fowl's head on a house elf's body, carrying a very shiny key.  
  
"This is the key that opens the mouth of the moldiest, fluffiest, pinkest, three-headed dog of power."  
  
"The what?"  
  
The deformed thing answered after eating a sandwich that looked suspiciously like Spamina. "How the heck should I know?"  
  
Of course he didn't know. He had just eaten the source of all humour in this story.  
  
But the Artemis/Dobby/THING, having eaten the only source of humor inspiration coupled with a fit of teenage angst caused drastic consequences. The background became colorless and blury. The scenery rapidly became dilapidated and rundown. Some people died in the streets. Zombies roamed the town moaning something about taxes. Beyond the hills, a great black fortress rose, surrounded by lava pits and made of pink fluffy iron and steel. It was the fortress of the Evil P.B.S. (Pink Bunny Slippers) of Doom. And, Code 15 of the guide for writing a proper story, (which ironically was titled "How to Right Write," and even more ironically than that, the very first line of the book read, "always use proper splling and grammer" and even more ironic than that, in the companion to the book, (which was a guide on how to write an improper story) the first line read, "Always use improper spelling and grammer.")  
  
Uh.  
  
Anyways, Code 15 of the guide for writing a proper story says the heroes must enter the stronghold of the evil one and so whoever was left started walking toward the burnt hills. When they got to the fortress, the first thing everybody noticed was a big neon sign above the door that said 'Fast Food'  
  
But, the evil fast food restaurant was not run by the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom after all. It was run by the Evil Public Broadcasting System of Doom, which, coincidentally shared the same acronym as the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom. The fast food restaurant's purpose was to serve pink, moldy food that would be used to raise money for the pink, moldy branch of the station. Also, a pink, moldy telethon was being held for this cause.  
  
Meanwhile, the zombies had grown tired of collecting taxes and instead had become the operators that were taking donations at the telethon, which was hosted by their leader, a zombie version of John Lennon.  
  
"And with a donation of $42, you get this really cool glass paperweight shaped like a paperweight," droned The Late Mr. Lennon. "And for $25 it's a bunch of cellophane flowers that grow so incredibly-he let out an extremely bored yawn-Man, why do I do this? Y'know it's brains this, grass that, and yesterday I had this horrible trip, never should trust a man in a pink fluffy trench coat..."  
  
Harry turned and looked at Hermione. "You know what this means, don't you?"  
  
"The whole 'pink and fluffy/moldy' thing is getting a bit old?"  
  
"Well, yes, that too. But it also means ...*cue dramatic and extremely annoying background music*...We Must Go On a QUEST!"  
  
Hermione scowled-she was deeply suspicious about quests ever since she'd realized how dangerous they were to her manicure. "What's the reason this time?"  
  
"Not that we really NEED a reason, Mione, but, well, don't you think we should befriend the zombies before Voldemort does?"  
  
She blinked at him blankly for a few seconds, her eyes slowly going glossy, before responding in a weak voice: "But, Harry...that-that would be...a...plot." She hugged her knees close to her body and stared off into the distance, that dazed, unfocused expression fixed on her face.  
  
Her words hit Harry like-he thought about a really cool simile for a second, but decided to go with something cliché like 'a sack of lead.'-A plot...hid life had never had a plot before. Perhaps he ought to, but stories with plots were dangerous-sometimes people died, and then actually STAYED that way-people whom he cared about. Plots seriously cut down on snogging time, caused REAL angst, and just...damn, sometimes plots just HURT.  
  
He wandered outside in a ball of existential angsting and threw himself onto a park bench. After a minute of brooding, he stared up at the stars, and his mind drifted back to the days when everyone was in character-they seemed so long ago. Yes, they were in mortal peril all the time, but it was kind of fulfilling, because he always did something good, in the end. Perhaps the real Harry wasn't a sexgod!, but he was pretty heroic.  
  
So, with these determined thoughts in his head, Harry strode back towards the building, to announce his intentions to Hermione. But the rest of the cast never learned of his great decision, because a shadowy and rather squishy winged figure hovering overhead cheerfully dropped an anvil on him.  
  
"Hehehe, good old slapstick," Spamina snickered, going inside to stir up some randomness. "Teaches him to be so ----ing reflective-muddies up the --- -ing storyline."  
  
"Harry!" Hermione suddenly appeared outside the castle, running to Harry's aid. "Oh my goodness! What happened?"  
  
But Harry simply rubbed his head, murmuring something about 'toad costumes', a trail of drool running down his chin.  
  
Ron was looking for the source of the anvil by staring blankly at the cold stone castle he had just exited.  
  
And then, an odd smell filled the air (and no, it wasn't Mr. Lennon's plant). It entered their nostrils, intoxicating them. Ron had enough sense to say, "What the bloody hell is that stink?"  
  
It was an egg. It fell on Ron's head. But that's not the point Suddenly, the group found themselves in a deep dank eerie cavern. A familiar voice resounded from the intercoms.  
  
"Bwhahahahaha. Welcome friends to the Savage Labyrinth. Here in this winding, twisting maze, you will find the prize you seek, the Golden Forks. But you could not possibly make your way through the deep pathways of this world and live to tell the tale, for deep in the bowels of the labyrinth lies the Glossy Purple Cellophane Roll of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, also known as George Washington Carver. But even more evil and even deeper in the confusing paths sits in wait, an ancient beast, spawned from pits of fire, a great OWL with supernatural power and giant eyebrows, who will devour you alive or drive you to insanity with his boring lectures, HOMEWORK, and ESSAYS. "  
  
Harry gasped. "No! We're wizards! We-We're immune from horrid English teachers! Immune!"  
  
But obviously he was wrong, because the demonic chuckle (c'mon, cackling would be INTERESTING) of Mr. Connor, the most boring English teacher on Earth echoes from the bowels of the cavern. Kelpy promptly threw up in disgust. Except that would be interesting. Instead, she just stared blankly at the wall and hoped beyond hope that he would not succeed in stifling every one of them.  
  
The voice on the intercom had by then receded; they realized there was nowhere to go except into the labyrinth. They pulled out there wands clumsily, as if they hadn't used them in months, but there was instantly a couple of loud popping noises as the trick wands transformed into assorted plastic toucans. Then, one of the toucans spoke.  
  
"Greetings young people." Said the biggest and ugliest one. "We are known as the Order of the Toucan and our sole purpose in life is to guide you, advise you, and make sure you do not get lost in the deep bowels of the gloomy underworld, otherwise known as the subway."  
  
Harry looked around. There was not anything anywhere in sight that remotely resembled a subway.  
  
"Ah my mistake. Wrong script. It seems we are unable to help you at all and you must fend for yourselves. Good luck. You'll need it." and with that, the bird disappeared in a pink flash of light. The group looked around disappointed, and started off into the gloomy passageways, unaware that Savage followed a few feet behind, and unaware of the danger that awaited them.  
  
Suddenly, Mr. Connor stepped forward, leading the other members of ETOAAE (Evil Teachers of America and Europe) into battle. Stick-up-his-arse-ki (SUHAK) was wielding the pink, fluffy, smarmy pun generator of doom, wheras The O was standing around looking omnipotent and powerful, while a student clutching a graphing calculator bowed down to him. The Tuch was downing a cup of coffee, as usual, while rambling on about how someone used an adverb instead of an adjective.  
  
The characters in this fanfic that actually belonged in the Harry Potter realm gasped at the oncoming army of teachers. There was nothing they could do, except possibly lose them in the labyrinth, which was a horribly awful chance to take in a fanfiction as spontaneous as this one, so they did the only thing that they could; their math homework.  
  
In an attempt to keep the story moving, all the evil teachers were suddenly doused in neon blue peanut butter giving the heroes time to lose them in the maze. Unfortunately, they had no idea where they were going and were soon lost, separated from each other, hungry, no idea what time it was, and hopeless.  
  
Harry decided that being lost and hopeless and hungry was kind of cool, because it was angsty. So he stared and the disturbing crimson ooze dripping from the walls and began composing dark haikus about it to send to his beloved Draco.  
  
"What, I thought he was dating-well, I thought he was straight right now."  
  
"He's also dating one of the female main characters, but that doesn't matter because he's a tortured bisexual polygamist."  
  
"Oh, O.K. then. On with the story!"  
  
oozing from the wall,  
  
This disturbing crimson ooze;  
  
See the crimson ooze.  
  
Harry smiled darkly, kissed the black parchment on which he had written the haiku(in blood of course) and sent it off to Drako, Draco and Darco's triplet, because the angsty atmosphere, while inspiring him poetically, was kind of making his head oozy and he couldn't spell.  
  
Harry then faced Hermione and said "Do you by any chance know the spell to turn something into a portkey?"  
  
Hermione looked back at him and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Ron, don't you know that's the point of having me here?" she asked, rolling her eyes in disgust. "Why else would she put me in?"  
  
"As his love interest?" Harry suggested.  
  
"Nope TARGET PRACTICE!" Cried Savage over the load speakers.  
  
A piano fell on Hermione. 


	18. Chapter 18

Harry slowly approached the piano. When he reached it, he procured a set of tuning forks and began the meticulous work tuning the piano after its fall onto Hermione. He struck the forks louder than necessary, but in an uncanny way, this made him work faster. When the tuning was done, Harry sat down at the piano, and began to perform what was likely the world's worst cover of Yellow Submarine, but, thankfully, before this could happen, everyone in the world had been deafened by the tuning forks, except for the zombie version of John Lennon, who had come back to destroy he who maimed the Beatles' legacy.  
  
But a complicated hex involving rainbow fishnet stockings and 66 pink elephants (fluffiness factor unknown) made it so that ZombiJohn couldn't kill Harry himself, so he had to summon the long-dead antagonist of this fandom.  
  
"Oh yeah! Him! What was his name again?"  
  
"Voldything, I think."  
  
"No, I would swear it was Volde' Mortician."  
  
"Are you kidding?!!! Everyone knows his name was Voldy."  
  
So, anyway, ZombiJohn contacted He-Who-Must-Always-Be-Misnamed to get retribution on Harry for mauling his cheerful and nonsensical ode to some unnamed hallucinogenic drug. Of course, ZombiJohn had been peace-loving during his mortal existence, but ever since the incident with the spam and the fluffy aqua textbook of vengeance he had gained a terrible temper and was not opposed to ripping out someone's internal organs for mussing up his goatee.  
  
Suddenly, Draco emerged from the shadows, and through the power of fanfiction randomness, fought off Harry, ZombiJohn, and Voldy. He then lifted up the piano, pulled Hermione up from beneath it, and began to venture into a form of fanfiction that had never been spoofed before: THE SONGFIC!!!!!!!!!  
  
Pi: And, because this is a songfic, I must now tell you all the traditional songfic AuthorNotes. I do not own Wanna B Ur Lovr, Weird Al Yankovic does. I also do not own Draco and Hermione.  
  
~I don't have a library card  
  
But do you mind if I check you out?  
  
I like your skeletal structure, baby  
  
You're an ectomorph, no doubt  
  
Your face is real symmetrical  
  
And your nostrils are so nice  
  
I wish that I was cross-eyed  
  
So I could see you twice~  
  
Draco stared at Hermione. She was so perfect. He could just stare at her, and never get bored. How could he ever have seen anything in Harry? Hermione was so much better. He knew he loved her, and didn't hesitate to tell her so. She was so beautiful.  
  
~Girl, you smell like Fritos  
  
That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare  
  
You're so hot, you're gonna melt  
  
The elastic in my underwear  
  
I'll bet you're magically delicious  
  
Like a bowl of Lucky Charms  
  
You'd look like Venus de Milo  
  
If I just cut off your arms  
  
What I'm tryin' to say is...~  
  
Words couldn't express what Draco was feeling at that moment. He could just stare at Hermione. Beauty oozed from her. Ooze, like the crimson ooze poem Harry had written for him. Harry didn't matter anymore. Hermione was everything.  
  
~I wanna be your lover, baby  
  
I need somebody to love  
  
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby  
  
Now I need somebody to love~  
  
Hermione didn't seem to notice him. How could she be oblivious to his feelings? He just stared at her. He was no longer a tortured, bi-sexual polygamist, he just wanted Hermione. He loved her.  
  
~Do you believe in love at fist sight  
  
Or should I walk by again?  
  
My love for you's like diarrhea  
  
I just can't hold it in  
  
Stop, drop and roll now  
  
'Cause baby, you're on fire  
  
I'll bet your outfit  
  
Makes a lot of noise in the dryer~  
  
He walked over to a tattoo parlor nearby, placed there for the sake of fanfiction. DM + HG read the cheap tattoo across his forehead. He hoped now she would get the message. Hermione was his one true love.  
  
~You're absolutely perfect  
  
Don't speak now, you might spoil it  
  
Your eyes are even bluer  
  
Than the water in my toilet  
  
Say, has anyone ever told you  
  
You've got Yugoslavian hands?  
  
No, of course not, that would be stupid  
  
Just forget I ever brought it up  
  
The point I'm trying to make is...~  
  
Hermione was everything. He just wanted to hold her. He remembered he had once been hers, long ago, during their chaotic fifth-year fanfiction spoof. Since then, he had been left to read endless bad fanfiction, the only literature left about their romance.  
  
~I wanna be your lover, baby  
  
I need somebody to love  
  
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby  
  
Now I need somebody to love~  
  
~I wanna be your Krakatoa  
  
Let my lava flow all over you  
  
I wanna be your anaconda  
  
And your heat-seeking missile too  
  
I wanna be your beef burrito  
  
Am I making this perfectly clear?  
  
I wanna be your love torpedo  
  
Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here?  
  
Uh huh~  
  
"Hermione," he said. "I love you" She was still not acknowledging him. He wondered what was wrong with her. He then resumed just staring at her. She was incredibly perfect.  
  
~I hope I'm not being forward  
  
But do you mind if I chew on your butt?  
  
You can tell me truthfully  
  
Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what?  
  
There just aren't enough o's in "smooth"  
  
To describe how smooth I am  
  
Maybe you've seen my picture  
  
It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!"  
  
My lips are registered weapons  
  
Can I invade your personal space?  
  
You must have fallen from heaven  
  
That would explain how you messed up your face  
  
Well, how'd you get through security?  
  
'Cause baby, you're the bomb  
  
I'd like to take you home right now  
  
So you can meet my mom  
  
Because I...~  
  
"HERMIONE!" he bellowed. "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, EVEN IF YOU REFUSE TO SHOW THAT YOU KNOW I EXIST! YOU ARE THE ONE FOR ME!!!!!!"  
  
~I wanna be your lover, baby  
  
I need somebody to love  
  
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby  
  
Now I need somebody to love~  
  
~Girl, you must be Jamaican  
  
Because Jamaican me crazy  
  
Girl, you must be Jamaican  
  
Because Jamaican me crazy~  
  
He stared at Hermione again. He loved her. Never before had he felt the way he did at that moment. Suddenly, a wretched scent waved its way through the air. It was the smell of rotting flesh. Hermione was dead.  
  
~I wanna be your lover, baby  
  
I need somebody to love  
  
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby  
  
Now I need somebody to love~  
  
"I am the Great Entity of All Pink, Fluffy Moldiness," Roared a disembodied voice with long, sexy black hair.  
  
"Wait! You can't have hair-you're supposed to be an eerie disembodied voice," protested Hermione.  
  
"Yeah, like, and you're supposed to be dead," scoffed the long-invisible Japanese exchange student.  
  
"Excuse ME! It is against fanfiction code 34.23.1a section IV for a love interest to remain dead, except in angst/tragedy fanfiction."  
  
"Shut up, you $lut!" And Kirei and Hermione became engaged in a nasty catfight, strangling each other with their designer scarves.  
  
"Um, Hello? Anyone? Aren't I supposed to be the big scary evil omnipotent entity here?" Asked the G.E.O.A.P.F.M. timidly. But no one really cared, because everyone was suddenly reminded that they had torrid affairs and angsty haiku to get back to. The GEOAPFM sulked in a corner, which is a difficult thing for a disembodied voice to do, and began sobbing that no one took him seriously anymore.  
  
The only reasonable explanation for all of this was of course, Hermione was now a zombie and the secret love child of John Lennon to boot.  
  
Ron looked at Hermione because, if anyone actually remembers (which ff authors rarely do), they were writing the fic back in the beginning of this round. Well, Hermione was writing it and the guys were looking on. "You call that a reasonable explanation?" he asked.  
  
She shrugged. "Deal with it."  
  
Harry sighed. "Moving on . . ."  
  
All of a sudden, the Leaning Tower of Pisa fell.  
  
And then Kelpy was feeling sadistic, so she decided to have Hermione insert the HP characters into a disgustingly ordinary American high school. Of course, this high school bore NO resemblance to Kelpy's HS, and was COMPLETELY invented. *cough cough.*  
  
In true fanfiction form, I will attempt to give a reason for this, and utterly fail.  
  
"Harry," said Dumbledore, "You must go...on a QUEST."  
  
Harry sighed apathetically. "ANOTHER one? C'mon..."  
  
"Work with me here, okay? We need you to go undercover as exchange students in an American high school and convince a certain member of the student body who happens to have spectacular magical powers to come to Hogwarts and help us."  
  
"But Voldemort, Moldyshorts, The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM, and the evil mustard-colored sock have been vanquished."  
  
"Look, we need the girl, okay? Just go along with this. Besides, everyone knows you'll end up having a torrid love affair."  
  
Harry brightened slightly. "Oooh! Oooh! May I write her highly inappropriate poetry full of failed attempts at flowery language and thinly veiled sexual innuendo?"  
  
"Yeah, Whatever."  
  
Since No one has ever heard of two English-speaking countries exchanging students (pointless) Harry and Co. had to go undercover as teenagers from Elbonia, which was achieved by, or course, drinking Polyjuice potion.  
  
However, they did not have enough money to buy airplane tickets, so they had to bribe Captain Jack Sparrow to sail them across the Atlantic.  
  
However they never did get to America as there boat somehow ended up crashing in to an uncharted Island that happened to be Middle Earth. (There seams to be a growing number of Fan fics were the Lord of the Rings gets involved do it's time for it to occur here.)  
  
At least they thought it was Middle Earth, they had actually landed on the shores of Newfoundland at Lance au Medows, An ancient Viking settlement in Canada. The muggle tourists there were shocked not only to see a pirate ship sail into the harbor there but also to see 4 wizards and Captain Jack Sparrow there.  
  
At this point, Captain Sparrow remembered that they were supposed to be in the settlement when the VIKINGS were there, so he popped out his time- turner (hey, everybody's got one now!) and zipped them back to 1200 B.C.  
  
As the ship landed, they were approached, of course, by an extremely buff Viking, whose protective furs, for some unknown reason, were torn down the middle to expose his chest. Kelpy thought he must be very cold, but Captain Sparrow immediately greeted him as his brother in the fraternity of men-who- dress-impractically-because-their-screaming-fangirls-like-it. A.K.A. talentless male models. It turned out that there was a portal to Middle Earth there, too. Once Aragorn showed up, they decided to all go off and have a party. Legolas reverently denied any claims that he was a slave to fashion, stating "I am an elf. I dress for archery, not for the sake of 'bling bling,' ignorant mortal. Desist this nonsense, or shall I make irritatingly sarcastic remarks about your stature until your eyebrows begin to twitch from irritation?"  
  
Harry, however, decided that this was the time for a time travel/crossover plot twist, and convinced Hermione to insert the Four Founders into the fic. She actually resisted, at first, but gave in when he pointed out that it would give her et another opportunity to write a torrid love affair, besides which, she would have lots of fun writing the angsting bit where Harry has to decide between his ancestress Helga and actually existing in the time/space continuum.  
  
"Oh, that'll be quite entertaining," she said with a sadistic grin, being temporarily possessed by the spirit of a bad angst writer.  
  
While Hermione was in bad angst writer mode, she took the liberty to have every single character, including herself, kidnapped and reinserted into bad add-a-line stories on other websites. Harry found himself amongst blatant self-insertions and torrid love affairs to numerous to count over on the Any-Generic-Pop-Artist-They're-All-The-Same-Anyway message boards, while Hermione, saving herself the most angsty misfortune (who said she couldn't have masochistic tendencies) inserted herself into the "Pirates- are-all-sexy-despite-the-fact-that-they-all-probably-have-veneral-diseases" board (aka, the Pirates of the Caribbean fangirls' realm of power).  
  
Ron, however, was inserted into a random angsty fanfiction, which happened to be one where children were enslaved and forced to write fifty page essays four times a week or else be chained to a moldy dungeon wall with no food until someone remembered to feed them, which was not often.  
  
Meanwhile, Savage was on vacation on a remote tropical island in the middle of nowhere eating Spaghetti without the meatballs. 


	19. Chapter Nineteen

Sorry for not posting in so long, but I've been busy with schoolwork.

-----------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Kelpy began to analyze this entire situation in Freud's usual style, and then stopped because it is the products of minds that are beyond help anyway.

_MEANWHILE,_ Kelpy, deep in serious pondering of her deep existential angst, came to the conclusion that happy, floofy scenes are the worst thing in the world, and the color pink is also highly ungood, unless it's a subtle mauve or a serious dark shade of purpley-marooney. The happiest, floofiest, pinkest thing in the world, however, was a seemingly innocent stuffed rabbit. But LO! at night Floof the evil bunny came alive and whispered happy, giggly floofy ideas into small children's brains, making them writhe with joy, when they, like all small children, aught to be hung by their toenails above bubbling vats of sulpheric acid and told how much their mommies and daddies hate their guts.

For the sake of angst, the people revolted and massacred everybody in sight. Among the deceased were Ron, Viktor Krum, Steven Spielberg's evil twin, some random Chinese dude named Bob, and Ronald McDonald. They were henceforth not be mentioned again in this story ever again. They were mudered in a vicious and brutal way which I will not describe so as not to attain an 'R' rating, but I believe I should mention it involved thirty-nine bloodthirsty wooly mammoths, a nuclear missile, and the Lavender Swedish-smelling Homework Assignment of Destruction.

Because he was immensely bored, _Savage_ decided to go on a quest to find the Holy Grail*, (which was actually a plastic cup with a piece of paper taped to it inscribed "Holy") so he took a band of five followers, a boat, three jumbo bags of chocolate frogs (just to make it seem as though the story had ANYTHING to do with Harry Potter anymore, and besides, what else was everybody going to eat?) a rusty tin can, his Game Boy Advance, and sailed off towards the horizon.   
  


Suddenly, in a desperate attempt to get this story moving again, Savage called off the quest for the Holy Grail and instead decided to stalk Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who, in case you don't remember, are supposedly the topic of this fanfic, as they went off to find the true meaning of life, which, as everyone knows, can be found at The Happy Happy Sushi Restaurant.

The sushi restaurant, however, was closed. People were picketing around it, wearing shirts with a strange yellow M symbol.   
  
"What the -?" _Savage_ asked, looking bewildered.   
  
Harry shrugged, unwrapping a burger with the same symbol plastered all over it. "The Happy Happy Sushi Bar is being sued for selling Happy Happy Meals."   
  
_Savage_ blinked. "Well, then how am I supposed to get the story moving again?"   
  
Harry pondered this. "Have Hermione turn gay?"   
  
"No, that might ruin the story rating."   
  
"But we've paired her angst-ily with everyone but Cho!"   
  
_Savage_ pondered this new dilemma, wondering exactly what he should do . . .   
  
*Cheesy music fades: commercial break . . . back in thirty . . .*

  
After the commercials, _Savage_ decided to go eat Spaghetti because he was hungry, leaving Ron and Harry to figure out the problem for themselves.

Therefore, Harry and Ron had a major problem on their hands. Harry had some ketchup and Special Sauce on his hands, too, making Ron feel slightly jealous.

Also, some of the people were still confused about whether they were Questing, so while Harry and Ron attempted to solve a problem (any one of the 2647 problems with the story would do) several of the random people who show up from nowhere every once in a while stood around yelling about coconuts, in accents quite different from those they normally used.

One such person was the Chinese Football-Playing Phantom Ninja from Outer Space. He was waving around a lightsaber, which he used to slice the pink, fluffy ketchup and sauce packets of doom to pieces, Thusly ending the conflict. 

Because of the resolution of the previous conflict, a new, random conflict must be introduced. This conflict took the form of a tourist named The Evil Fiery Demonic Ghoul...known as Bob. However, the Evil-Demonic-something-something-something wasn't really all that bad as his name made him out to be; he was really just lonely. But being lonely and misunderstood, and emotional depression caused him to become and evil, twisted, insane, power-hungry, vicious, megalomaniac bent on enslaving all of humankind and **RULING THE WORLD!!**

Except that, his entire life, Bob was shunted to the status of 'high-class minion,' always so close to power but never really having any.   
But then, his therapist suggested that Bob take up a relaxing hobby. That was how he became involved in spam sculpture, when he was already 3,141.59 years old. Now, at age 4,000, Bob is the world's premiere spamist, famous for such works as _Spamina_ and the highly praised _'penguin in scarves with a crystal ball'_ used on a Fleetwood Mac tour until a rabid sushi chef turned it into 500 pounds of pineapple and spam sushi rolls.

The sushi chef was none other than the infamous Sushi Chef Pi, of Happy Happy Sushi fame. She stabbed the _Penguin in Scarves with Crystal Ball_ sculpture with her gold-plated spork 42 times before it finally was broken into small enough pieces to be used in the building of her army of pineapple sushi ninjas. Pi actually liked the sculpture, but it had exempted a tambourine in its array of symbols, and in accordance with the tambourine-ist prophecy, had to be destroyed. As a result, tambourine-ists flocked to join the sushi army, and not long after, Sushi Chef Pi ruled the world.

He ruled the Harry Potter World, that is.   
  


One day, her minion Hermione came in, carrying a giant platter of inu sushi.   
"BWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Pi, causing Ms. Granger to give her a really funny look.   
"Errrrr..."

Suddenly there was a great flash of light and everyone was transported to Hogwarts. The voice of the almighty creator of all things Harry Potter was heard booming throughout the land. "What have you done with my precious characters I demand that something proper happen now," and with that everything seemed to become normal again.

Of course, after a few weeks of normalness, Harry decided it was getting a bit too boring. How could somebody possibly prefer NORMAL over evil-pink-demonic-fiery-ghoulish-Japanese-chefs-spawned from the Pit of Doom? It was unthinkable. So Harry went about the task of setting things abnormal again. First, he needed supporters. Hermione, being Hermione, preferred to be in the library READING instead of having crazy mishap adventures filled with Pink Fluffy Camels. Ron- well, Ron was dead remember? Or was he revived? It no longer mattered. Harry had the supporters he needed. Seamus' stuffed bear, Terry Boot from House Ravenclaw, and Professor Mcgonagall. The last was rather surprising, because Professor Mcgonagall was the sort no-nonsense person, but she had confided in the bear, ("If everything stays _NORMAL_, I won't be able to continue flirting with Snape as I had been doing before, of course, if everything's NOT normal, I run the risk of being turned into a pink fluffy hedgehog and becoming Sega's new mascot, since Dumbledore ate their last mascot for Thanksgiving dinner...") Ahem.   
  
And so, after a long search, (which ended in the nearby Wal-mart) Harry found what he was looking for. _Callandor._ The Pitchforks that Is Not a Pitchfork. The Pitchfork that Cannot Be Touched. The Very Bad and Not Very Funny Spoof off of the Wheel of Time Series, by Robert Jordan, Which I Recommend You Read.   
  
Harry, wrapped in the Void, raised the powerful _sa'angreal_ toward the sky, and...   
  
Nothing happened.   
  
"Stupid plastic merchandising."

Then, Harry found himself stuck on Wheel of Time Survivor, watching as Rand, Elayne, Egwene, and Nynaeve struggled to set up a VCR so that they could watch the video tape in it and complete their immunity challenge. Rand ran over to where Harry was standing, confused, and yanked the plastic Callandor from his hand, and began to bludgeon the VCR with it obnoxiously while muttering to himself. Elayne managed to channel across time through the aid of a _ter'angreal_ that she invented, and stole a random VCR from Stevie Nicks's living room and proceeded to watch the video tape. The video was of people in neon purple jumpsuits and afro wigs doing the Macarena to Free Fallin' (because this story hasn't had a random Tom Petty reference in a while.) The group opened their crate of jumpsuits and afro wigs, but then discovered that Gollum was crouching inside the box, chanting, no, not my precious, but, "And I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Freeee Fallin!!!!!!!"

Hermione stared at Gollum for a moment, not aware that fire-engine red tinted drool was dripping from her slack jaw.   
"Oh my gawd, Harry, he's..." she whispered breathlessly.   
"I know," he agreed in tones of revulsion, "that is the most foul thing I have ever-"   
  
Harry's comment was bluntly interrupted by a stinging slap to the face. Hermione was livid.   
  
"How dare you talk about my Smeagel-poo like that?"   
"_Smeagel-poo__?_"   
  
Hermione snapped her pointy manicured nails, and the contestants of WoT survivor were suddenly trampled by three hundred of Gollum's screaming fangirls, fanboys, fancentuars, fanelves, fanwraiths, and other miscellaneous fan-entities.   
  
Hermione gave a smile of satisfaction at the look of total shock on Harry's face:   
"Meet my fellow gollum-lovers. We are officially called The Great and Honorable League of the Stinky Ones." (TGaHLotSO)   
  
Suddenly, Eowyn stepped forth from the crowd and started conducting an orchestra that had appeared out of nowhere that started playing music from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack. I might also add that Aran'gar and Osan'gar were playing the clarinet and the violins were all played by owls. In honor of Gollom's role in The Return of the King, Hermione proceeded to eat a live fish. Ron was doing a Chinese folk dance, and Artemis Fowl had begun randomly channeling _saidin_, was calling himself Napoleon and had begun conquest of Australia.


End file.
